• For Christmas, Help Your Kids Learn the Tools of Fascism

    December 24, 2012

    Tags: , ,
    Posted in: Democracy

    Still not sure what to buy for Christmas? Well, why not kill two birds with one stone and close out your Christmas list while helping your children get better acquainted with the tools of a fascist society. I am not making this up, though I wish to God I was.




    To begin, why not dive deep into the bowels of our control society with an actual airport security checkpoint toy, the Playmobil Security Check Point. Look at that hippie in the magnometer! He looks suspicious, maybe an actual terrorist. Better conduct a mini-body cavity search on him to ensure a peaceful and free Yuletide for proper citizens. (Be sure to read the readers’ reviews on Amazon for each item, proof that not everyone is a robot just yet).






    Next, why not a Playmobil Police Checkpoint? You can have drunk Barbie stripped and searched. As a bonus, kids can practice ratting out their parents to the law enforcement officials. Look in the ash tray Officer Good, mommy sometimes smokes extra-smelly cigarettes in the car when Daddy is out at his NRA meetings!







    Finally, no law enforcement official wants to go into a “situation” without backup, so be sure to also purchase Playmobil Police Officers, including the smiling Aryan guy with the assault rifle.



    But why screw around with toys and games when you can take a real step towards a happy Christmas with body armor sized for children. The body armor comes in eight colors and, for $200 extra, you can upgrade the protection to Level IIIA just in case that assault rifle ban doesn’t catch on in Congress. While the vest is thin enough to wear under clothing, all the cool kids this year are wearing theirs on the outside. The same online store sells the vests fitted for men and women, so the whole family can have coordinated body armor under the tree. I hereby offer a bounty of $1 cash for the first person to send in a family photo showing Mom, Dad and the kiddies in coordinated armor around the fireplace.






    But armored vests are not for everyone, which is why parents should consider a ballistic backpack for their kids this holiday shooting season. As the ad copy for this product says, “You can always be confident that the armor hasn’t been accidentally left at home. The backpack can be quickly brought to the front as a shield while fleeing the scene of the shooting.”









    It’s a Christmas miracle! Merry Christmas to all, and of course, stay low and watch your backs this festive season!



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  • Recent Comments

    • Rich Bauer said...

      1

      Buckle up your overcoat,
      Hide behind a tree,
      There’s another massacre
      Down at PS 3

      Keep away from plastic Glocks,
      They may break your knee;
      Life at school nowadays
      Is like World War III

      12/24/12 4:13 PM | Comment Link

    • Eric Hodgdon said...

      2

      Reminds me of the ‘Starship Troopers’ movie, but this stuff IS real.

      Great sense of the new and all important tools for our ‘young people.’

      Practical, no nonsense solutions for today’s concerned parent!

      Is there a torture kit yet?

      12/24/12 7:17 PM | Comment Link

    • Eric Hodgdon said...

      3

      @Rich Bauer
      Sorry, I’m missed your rhyme / poetry ensemble.

      BTW, I’ve written some Power Poetry, that is poetry for weight-lifters.

      There’s:
      ‘Ode to a Bench Press’
      ‘Reflections on a Squat’
      ‘The Clean and I’
      ‘Life and the Dead Lift’

      Maybe I can introduce them some how?

      12/24/12 7:23 PM | Comment Link

    • Jim said...

      4

      Brilliant madness, Peter — thanks for sharing. The “Duck and Cover” for our generation.

      Rich —

      I like your couplet. Plastic Glocks are definitely not good.

      12/25/12 1:32 AM | Comment Link

    • Expat said...

      5

      Wow, I was definitely born in the wrong generation (not). Growing up in the 1960s, all I got were boring old toys like a telescope, a basketball, a globe, books, clothes, a darkroom set, etc.

      Keep the “hillaryous,” insightful and profound comments coming! I sometimes imagine what it would be like to bring everyone together for a “We Meant Well” convention. :-)

      God bless Amerika!

      12/25/12 1:13 PM | Comment Link

    • Andrey said...

      6

      We used to have a little private joke about modern day USA being a grotesque parody of USSR (you know, the “Red Dawn” style). We even used to laugh about it. Not anymore.

      12/25/12 3:11 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      7

      “I sometimes imagine what it would be like to bring everyone together for a “We Meant Well” convention.”

      Imagine something like Yemen. Watch the skies.

      12/25/12 5:36 PM | Comment Link

    • Expat said...

      8

      Yes, that thought occurred to me. During a recent visit to ze homeland, I saw this screaming headline on CNN while flying (after enjoying the “TSA experience”): “Drones Could Fill U.S. Skies – FAA tasked with expanding airspace for drones.” “1984” is NOW, boys and girls.

      Re a WMW convention – there were also visions of code names, dead drops and trench coats dancing in my head.

      12/26/12 5:20 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      9

      More people believe in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy than the State Dept:

      New York Post: The four officials supposedly out of jobs because of their blunders in the run-up to the deadly Benghazi terror attack remain on the State Department payroll — and will all be back to work soon, The Post has learned.

      The highest-ranking official caught up in the scandal, Assistant Secretary of State Eric Boswell, has not “resigned” from government service, as officials said last week. He is just switching desks. And the other three are simply on administrative leave and are expected back.

      The four were made out to be sacrificial lambs in the wake of a scathing report issued last week that found that the US compound in Benghazi, Libya, was left vulnerable to attack because of “grossly inadequate” security.

      12/26/12 5:11 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      10

      12/26/12 5:26 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...

      11

      Damn, file this one under..”if I didn’t see it with my own eyes…..” this is really a sad commentary on the state of the US mindset.

      However, I wouldn’t doubt this “toy” manufacturer were a CIA propaganda front. Question is..what kind of sick mo’fuckers design them. Sheeezus…I can hear the focus group recommendations right now. Fuck. But think of the ones that DIDN’T make it into production. like…

      CROWD CONTROL EPIC: The Ultimate Remote Control Weaponized Drone. Shoots REAL plastic bullets from miniaturized 50 cal machine gun. Includes 100 standard citizens. Men, Women, children, each with self squirting blood orifices. Extra 100 round ammo clips available. Be the first on your block to shoot random people with impunity.

      BULLY COPS REMOTE CONTROL: 7 Fully autonomous Real Looking urban cops, each with remote control
      bloodied batons and grotesque facial looks. Includes 3 blood covered victims that wreath and scream in pain Be the first on your block to beat the living shit out of your favorite bad guy.

      TORTURE CHAMBER PLUS. Real looking miniaturized torture dungeon with 10 torture accessories, including waterboard and tank, electric shock wires, drills, knives, hanging hardware and others! Also includes simulated drowning victim, beating victims, one with pop out eyes, electro shock victim and 4 others. All have real sounding screams and auto squirm. Be the first on your block to express all those pent up aggressions with impunity.

      and finally… no toy box would be complete without TERRORIST TORTURE DOLL! Full sized plastic terrorist doll, for inflicting all your dreams of misery and pain. Includes 5 full sized plastic torture devices, all with simulated sounds and blood. Doll includes auto react screams and movements, and 7 different blood squirting orifices for direct insertion. Extra torture device accessories and blood refill kits available too at extra charge! Invite your friends over for hours and hours of torturing FUN!!(note: may require self provided puke bag for squeamish friends)

      Yesssereeebob…the all new and improved ‘murican exceptionalism!

      12/26/12 5:34 PM | Comment Link

    • Expat said...

      12

      Luv reading the comments here. The rage, the outrage, the dark humor. I wish there more truly patriotic ‘muricans like you. God bless the resisters, the outsiders and the fringe elements! :-)

      12/27/12 6:23 AM | Comment Link

    • Lafcadio said...

      13

      Rich Bauer at 6:11: yep, I’ve been harping about lack of accuntability (I was going to correct this typo, but it’s actually appropriate) at State. This bunch will be rehabilitated soon, when no one in our exalted press is looking or caring.

      Which reminds me of something I forgot to mention in my comments on Betty Tamposi. Both Mary Ryan and Maura Harty were working for Tamposi (to keep an eye on her) and both were fired by Tamposi. I’d like to say it was because they were whistleblowers complaining about Tamposi’s waste, fraud and abuse, and to a minor extent that is true, but they were mainly fired (State Department fired, which means transfered to another high level job at State)because they personally hated Tamposi (not an unusual situation).

      Another interesting case is one other individual fired by Tamposi. His name is Tom Furey and he is an incompetent, shambling fuck of a man. Naturally, instead of being fired, he was transferred to other jobs, where he went on to undistinguish himself. But because he was “in” with Mary Ryan, he was continuosly promoted.

      The intereesting part of the case comes when they tried to make Furey an Ambassador. One of Furey’s first posts was Nepal, and when his name was placed in nomination for an ambassadorship (of Nepal, no less!!!) several of his colleagues at that post recalled the Furey family’s attempted adoption of a Nepalese child. All the adoption procedures were complete, but when the in-laws got a look at the child, they complained that it was too “dark’ and the Furey’s sent the kid back.

      The whole incident made for amusing reading in one of Al Kamen’s “in the Loop” columns. Furey responded with righteous indignation to the suggestion that he or his in-laws were racist, then promptly withdrew his name from consideration for the Ambassadorship, thereby sparing the U.S. from future diplomatic calamities.

      12/27/12 11:16 AM | Comment Link

    • meloveconsullongtime said...

      14

      ““I sometimes imagine what it would be like to bring everyone together for a “We Meant Well” convention.”

      Imagine something like Yemen. Watch the skies.”

      …I’ll bet the State Department and their CIA enforcers will leave you alone if you provide them with Russian whores.

      12/27/12 11:18 AM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...

      15

      quote:” God bless the resisters, the outsiders and the fringe elements! :-)”unquote

      Hey…good thing you put a smiley at the end. As a fringe element in good standing, I might have become enraged, and resisting arrest notwithstanding, I might have made a complete fool of myself by mistaking your intent and over reacting, thereby placing myself outside the mainstream netiquette by generating flatulence simulation sounds and kneejerk finger imitations of sexual nature filigreed with vulgar expletives designed to reduce your imagined derogatory labels of the various type posters here to mere stupidity on your part.

      But given you did put the smiley there..crap..now I don’t have an excuse. sheeesus..what a spoilsport.

      :)

      12/27/12 4:38 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...

      16

      quote “I sometimes imagine what it would be like to bring everyone together for a “We Meant Well” convention.” unquote

      Well, if and when, it’ll be easy to spot me. Look for name tag that says FUCK YOU.

      :)

      12/27/12 4:47 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...

      17

      hmmm, on second thought, I probably wouldn’t fit in well, as I really don’t have any background related to State Department personnel or employment there. Which relegates me to the previously mentioned “outsider” status, which I’m sure would make for very uncomfortable small talk as I have nothing substantial to offer in the way of DS related stories, experience or matter of fact opinions. That said, I’ll send a stand in doll. Look for a male transgender doll in Clintonesque attire with big tits,a fat ass and a clueless look. Prop it up at the bar, so now you can take turns telling her off with no reprisals. She’ll be a hit. Just don’t ask her to dance. That is..unless you’ve had one too many. In that case..be my guest. At least she won’t dance like the real Clinton.

      12/27/12 5:41 PM | Comment Link

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