• Onward, Christian Soldiers!

    November 25, 2013

    Tags: , ,
    Posted in: Afghanistan, Democracy, Iraq

    You people all hate them Muslims and want to see them go to hell, amiright? Well, maybe some do, and American can-do companies are filling that market niche. May God, Allah, Buddha and whoever else is out there have mercy on our blackened souls.

    Pork-Coated Bullets

    First up, you need some Muslim-hating ammo. Sure, a regular round can kill your average Terrorist, no problem, but then he is off to those virgins awaiting him in Paradise. Can’t have that, so you need to use Jihawg Ammo, made by South Fork Industries in Idaho. This speciality ammunition is actually coated with pork in the idiotic belief that if it penetrates a Muslim body said Muslim will die and go to hell as he is impure. This is based on the only-in-Idaho interpretation of the Koran that the dead guy is now spiritually unclean and thus unworthy. Guys, really, I remember my first beer, too, but just shut up.

    Here is what the company actually says about itself:

    In the fall of 2010, patriots from Idaho County, Idaho sat around a campfire enjoying an adult beverage. The discussion turned to concern and disgust that a mosque was being built at ground zero. Everyone in attendance agreed that freedom of religion is paramount for all peoples of Earth but this showed poor taste and had a sense of “rubbing our noses” into 9/11 tragedy. The discussion turned toward possible solutions to stop such a great insult.

    With Jihawg Ammo, you don’t just kill an Islamist terrorist, you also send him to hell. That should give would-be martyrs something to think about before they launch an attack. If it ever becomes necessary to defend yourself and those around you our ammo works on two levels.

    These bullets are “Peace Through Pork” and a “peaceful and natural deterrent to radical Islam” so a Christian shooter “Put Some Ham in MoHAMed.” “The nullifying principle of our product is only effective if you are attacked by an Islamist in Jihad.”

    Yes, they have a Facebook page. Good news: since the pork ammo is still ammo, you can also use it to kill your Christian girlfriend after you get drunk and start yelling at her for wearin’ those cheap outfits like some Jezebel.

    Bible Verse Military Rifle Sites

    Bringing the wrath of the Christian God against Muslims cannot be done solely with the eyes God gave to the shooter. No, righteous killing requires a good scope to put steel on flesh properly.

    Luckily, the Trijicon company has a $660 million multi-year contract to provide up to 800,000 sights to the Marine Corps, and additional contracts to provide sights to the U.S. Army, all inscribed with references to New Testament Bible passages about Jesus Christ. The sights were used by our brave crusaders in Iraq and continue to bring Jesus’ message of love thy neighbor to Afghanistan.

    Trijicon confirmed to ABCNews.com that it adds the biblical codes to the sights sold to the U.S. military. Tom Munson, director of sales and marketing for Trijicon said the inscriptions “have always been there” and said there was nothing wrong or illegal with adding them. Munson said the issue was being raised by a group that is “not Christian.” The company has said the practice began under its founder, Glyn Bindon, a devout Christian from South Africa, where in the past Jesus’ message of love was enshrined in the Apartheid system.

    Good news: the same sights with the same Bible references are exported for use by the Israeli military to also slap down Muslims in their way toward God’s vision of heaven on earth.

    But it doesn’t really matter all that much, because as one Christian commentator remarked, it is unlikely any actual Muslim cares, because to do so they’d have to:

    – have access to an expensive US military rifle sight by this specific manufacturer
    – can read (Afghanistan’s literacy rate is 28%, according to the CIA)
    – can read English
    – know enough about the English-language Bible to recognize an abbreviated reference at the end of a string of letters and numbers
    – either have the reference memorized or have access to a Bible or Torah; and
    – are offended by the presence of that reference.

    Luckily for us, there are no Muslims in the U.S. military, no one on the bad guys’ side can use Google Translate and our literacy programs in Afghanistan have been a failure. God is truly on our side!

    Hate-Based Coloring Books for Kids

    But guns don’t shoot themselves. All that cool bullet and sight tech means nothing if you don’t have a righteous human Christian killer behind it, and what better way to achieve that than to indoctrinate them young.

    Into the breach is coloringbook.com, a frightful pus-filled sore of a web site that sells coloring books to kids with titles such as The Tea Party Coloring Book Why America Loves You, Global Terrorism True Faces of Evil Never Forget and We Shall Never Forget 9/11, The Kids Book of Freedom.

    The Tea Party book promises “many activities including how to start a tea party in your town, a tea party debate club at school and learn about freedom of speech, freedom of the press and freedom to be who you are! The genius of America is how The Tea Party truly reflects, represents and respects its homeland.”

    The 9/11 books are super-keen. They are about:

    Good vs. Evil. To a terrorist, this is a way of life and they do not consider themselves to be radicals, they consider themselves as soldiers. Current examples of modern evil are the Radical Islamic Muslim Tsarnaev brothers,Tamerlan and Dzhokhar one of which became a US Citizen on 9/11/2012. Designed as a consumer friendly, family publication for use with children and adults, this excellent graphic coloring novel helps expand understanding of the factual details and meanings in the War on Terror. Included are detachable printed show case cards with “Faces of Global Terrorism” very similar to the FBI’s ads featuring photos of murderous terrorists and suspects.

    Also included are “terrorist trading cards, inspired by real people, real life and reflecting the truth. Vol. II also includes a government labeled cyber terrorist named Assange and modern day weather underground founder/leader Bill Ayers, a current educator in Chicago Illinois.”

    And here’s some inspiring text from the coloring book, designed of course for children:

    Terrorist Trading Cards clearly identifies the evil that may sit next to you on an airplane, or it could be an avowed Atheist in the lot of your local grocer on a sunny morning.The world should look at them, make fun of them, name them – shame them, recognize who the terrorists are and rid the earth of them.

    Onward Christian soldiers!

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    Copyright © 2014. All rights reserved. The views expressed here are solely those of the author(s) in their private capacity. Follow me on Twitter!

  • Recent Comments

    • pitchfork said...


      sheezus..it’s only 7:30am now…

      This is a joke, right Peter?

      like this?


      ummmm…ok…so it’s not a joke.

      fuck. I was hoping. It’s only Monday morning and you just had to make my day. Bullets dipped in pork crap. Tea party coloring books of “terrahists”. That’s it. I’m going back to bed before I explode. Either that or it’s already time for a drink.

      sheeezus. Is there any transportation to a parallel universe. You know..one where human beings live in peace. For ONE GODDAMNED SECOND.

      11/25/13 1:35 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...


      okkee dokee… I just had to confirm this wasn’t an Onion piece. Coloringbook.com

      right. They gotta be fucking kidding. Really. Who in their right mind would exploit children to promote hate? Frankly, I think this is a hate crime, pure and simple. Patriotism gone stark raving mad. Ideology propaganda to promote racist and religious “tea party” views. Unbelievable.

      Well folks. America has finally arrived. Coming up…the newest hate coloring book..”If you’re not white, you’re dead”. On sale today.

      Christian soldiers indeed.

      11/25/13 2:02 PM | Comment Link

    • wemeantwell said...


      To make clear, as Pitch says, none of this is made up and all of it is too real. While I indulge in satire on occasion, this story is not funny.

      11/25/13 2:11 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...


      A Christain nation? You don’t know the half of it:


      11/25/13 2:41 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...


      That’s a bloody Christ-stain. America, you are so fucked.

      11/25/13 2:41 PM | Comment Link

    • teri said...


      Ah, Sharia Christianity.

      Brought to us by the same people who bring us this (this is only a six-minute trailer; you’ll have to find the full movie version on your own): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SH8LkIqu1c8

      The US is full of commie fags, the SDS (Students for a Democratic Society) runs the White House, and public schools are indoctrinating our children to be welfare recipients. You can tell about the public schools because in kindergarten, the kids are all taught to sit in a circle, which teaches them to conform, which leads to socialism, which leads to communism, which leads to Satan hisownself; and his rule over our country is evidenced by the number of people on the welfare programs in the US, thus bringing us full circle on the truth about government-run entitlement programs. (This is from the full-length movie, which also features pictures of an atomic explosion each time the word “socialism” is mentioned. Because those socialists have nuked so many countries. Or secrete nuclear weapons in their sock drawers. Or something.)

      Here, Pitchfork – have a little Phyllis Schafly with your coffee this morning.

      11/25/13 3:16 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...


      teri said:”
      Here, Pitchfork – have a little Phyllis Schafly with your coffee this morning.”unquote

      I’m glad I didn’t assume that was a liqueur.:)
      I might have made a total fool of myself. Which wouldn’t have been the first time. But I wanna keep the count down below at least 50..this month.

      Ok, tell me. Exactly what does she have to do with the subject at hand..in 20 words or less, although her endorsement of Michele Bachmann says volumes in general.(see teri..I’m kinda dumb and don’t understand her importance here)

      11/25/13 5:58 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...


      ok teri..nevermind..I watched the video. gottcha.

      11/25/13 6:07 PM | Comment Link

    • blue falcon poacher said...


      In my eternal quest to poach blue falcons, i went down the rabbit hole (against my therapist’s advice):
      “So, the State Department cannot fire or suspend the employee, the employee (who may well be innocent of any wrongdoing) cannot reasonably be expected to leave the State Department voluntarily, and the employee is prevented from bidding on any advertised job, taking any long term training, or working in any State-Department-sponsored detail to an outside body. The American taxpayer pays the salary of a person who is being prevented from earning that salary; the State Department sidelines employees who have skills and expertise, usually learned at State Department expense, which the Department urgently needs; and the employee faces the imminent destruction of what might already have been a twenty-year career.”


      The above suggests that sitting around at home or in a nasty dimly lit office without knowing the charges against you is par for the course. And no, the dept will NOT/NOT help you find something meaningful for you to do even if you speak 5 languages and have an MBA. Burn the Constitution and flush those taxpayer $$$.

      I found two more blue falcons:

      “HR has chosen instead to seek ways to force these employees out of the service, either by low-ranking their performances based on the fact that their assigned jobs do not allow them to compete fairly with others of their ranks, or by assigning these employees duties so onerous that they quit. Recently, HR has also begun a campaign to label all such employees as “problem” employees. In one case Deputy Assistant Secretary Linda Taglialatela endorsed two evidently false negative job references for an employee who had received numerous awards for performance and for heroism. DAS Taglialatela and HR attorney Melinda Chandler have also, in violation of Agency regulations, written letters gratuitously referencing clearance suspensions in relation to matters having nothing whatsoever to do with those suspensions.”

      If you search the grievance board cases you’ll find the above blue falcons weigh in often and rarely do the employees win. But if they do, that clearance is still gone gone gone.

      So I have found a number of blue falcons:
      #Two in HR – but more to be identified.

      #Two or more in what is now called ‘special’ investigations (used to be called professional responsibility until the OIG called them out on not being professional and sure as shite not responsible). Just check those news articles about supervisory agents turning off investigations or cranking them up if they don’t like you or you look or act or believe kinda funny. How are they still in those investigative oversight positions after allegations in the news?? Obviously, those newspaper articles are just rumors. You know, like the rumors and allegations that trigger career ending investigations for good people I knew loved their jobs and country

      #Two or more in the office that does security clearances.
      In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I would like to thank you blue falcons for conspiring to ruin people’s lives and livelihoods. May the odds always be against you in your tiny glass houses.

      I polite GFY to all the Christian soldier types who can’t smell their own b.s.

      11/26/13 10:11 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...


      ummm..you’re assuming everyone who reads the comments knows what the fuck a blue falcon is.

      11/26/13 11:17 PM | Comment Link

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