• NSA Hacks, Moves Snowden “Naughty” List; Tells Kids Santa Isn’t Real

    December 25, 2013

    Tags: , ,
    Posted in: Democracy

    (This post is not suitable for children)

    The NSA announced it successfully broke into the encrypted fiber optic cables connecting the North Pole to the Internet backbone. A spokesperson announced this was necessary to protect America against terrorism, or the Bolsheviks, or whatever it is you are irrationally afraid of, just make up something, we don’t care what you proles think anyway.

    Whilst inside Santa’s extensive database, NSA “hackers” accessed the critical Naughty and Nice lists. Referring to the Naughty information internally at NSA as “Santa’s No-Fly List,” the NSA operatives began a detailed data manipulation attack, shifting prominent whistleblowers and journalists such as Edward Snowden, Chelsea Manning, Daniel Ellsberg, Jess Radack, John Kiriakou, Tom Drake, Jim Risen, Glenn Greenwald, Janet Reitman, Laura Poitras, all of the Guardian and Channel 4 in the UK, and others, over to Naughty. Santa had classified these and other supporters of democracy as MOST NICE, under an eyes-only program codenamed SPLENDID.

    The NSA said they originally planned to have armed drones deliver the traditional coal into each of the SPLENDID stockings, until analysts discovered that even coal has some market value. “They get nothing, even those who don’t celebrate Christmas and might have been offended deeply by the coal,” exclaimed the NSA spokesperson on the condition of anonymity as he flew out of sight on leathery wings.

    Following these revelations, more information emerged about the extent of the NSA’s actions. Over the years, many children’s letters to Santa have switched over to email format. The NSA collected the millions of email addresses, many with monikers such as ilovepuppiesandkittiesandcandycanes(at)gmail.com, and sent each one a personalized reply:

    Dear Little Cindy-Lou Who: Santa is dead. He wasn’t even real to begin with but we tortured and killed him anyway. As we waterboarded him the last time, he moaned like a whore for mercy. Also, your parents lied to you about the flying reindeer and your mom ate the cookies herself Christmas Eve while you slept. So watch your parents more closely, and when you see them do more un-American things, tell your Uncle NSA. Also, be sure to leave your webcam on when you’re in the bath.

    The Grinch himself was quoted as saying “I give up. Every year I try and up my game, but I can’t compete with the NSA in pure evil, or technical skills. In fact, I’m in line at the freakin’ Apple store right now trying to get my jingtinglers, blumbloopas and floofloovers to boot.”

    At his North Pole home, Santa wept quietly for our nation’s loss.



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  • Recent Comments

    • NSA Intercepted Children’s Letters To Santa–Duffel Blog | Maiden on the Midway said...

      1

      [...] NSA Hacks, Moves Snowden “Naughty” List; Tells Kids Santa Isn’t Real (wemeantwell.com) Rate this:Share:GooglePinterestTwitterEmailLike this:Like Loading… [...]

      12/25/13 2:35 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...

      2

      quote:”Top NSA officials were skeptical. “What else would you expect from someone who asked Santa for a Barbie doll when he was nine?” Gen. Alexander was overheard remarking.”unquote

      BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…HOHOHOHOHOHOH…HEHEHEHEHE!

      Barbie doll. perfect. rumor has it he’s being blackmailed by the Postmaster General. And Rudolf too.

      12/25/13 6:46 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      3

      “The NSA announced it successfully broke into the encrypted fiber optic cables connecting the North Pole to the Internet backbone. A spokesperson announced this was necessary to protect America against terrorism, or the Bolsheviks, or whatever it is you are irrationally afraid of, just make up something, we don’t care what you proles think anyway.”

      It’s all a Snow-dense Blow Job, as I believe in Santa Claus more than I believe democracy still exists in America.

      From an ex-CIA “good guy” http://original.antiwar.com/giraldi/2013/12/25/were-the-good-guys/

      “My former colleagues are politically a mixed bag, mostly Republicans but with a considerable number of Democrats, some of whom are fairly progressive regarding domestic politics and social programs. They are also fairly monolithic in their views of “traitors” like Bradley Manning and Edward Snowden, not because they support NSA spying (they do not) but because in their reckoning both would-be whistleblowers far exceeded any reasonable limits in their exposures of classified information.

      This all sometimes translates into fairly hardline views regarding what is going on in the world. This Christmas I was informed that drones are the only good mechanism for offing those terrorists hiding in the mountains of Pakistan and I heard no less than three times that “We are the good guys,” which must be the latest last line of defense when all other arguments have failed. When I commented that it is hard to be a good guy when you are killing American citizens without any trial and wiping out wedding parties the response was vague, as if I were suggesting something that has not really been established or for which there is some other back story that might explain the activity. When I asked the Sarah Palinesque wife of a former case officer how a guy in a beard and turban hiding in a cave along the Pakistan frontier could conceivably threaten the United States the response was something like a shrug.”

      12/26/13 1:05 PM | Comment Link

    • meloveconsullongtime said...

      4

      “At his North Pole home, Santa wept quietly for our nation’s loss.”…

      …and then, deus ex machina (or rather – since Saint Thomas Aquinas is not a god – “santo ex machina”…

      …Doctor (and Saint) Thomas Aquinas descended from Heaven, into Santa Claus’ man-cave at the North Pole where Santa was (justifiably, I think) getting very drunk over all this. And Thomas Aquinas said to Santa:

      “What’s all this about naughty and nice? Do you acknowledge any objective standards for good and evil?”

      Santa said, “Of course not! I’m American! We Americans do NOT believe in ANY absolute moral standards! Moral bsolutism is evil!”

      Thomas Aquinas said, “Do you really believe that?”

      Santa said, “Absolutely!”

      Aquinas said: “Then your list of naughty and nice makes no sense. Therefore you have nothing to complain about.”

      Santa said: “But SOME things ARE objectively right or wrong! Like…”

      Aquinas: “Yes, go on?”

      Santa: “Like, it’s wrong to persecute people who say what we don’t like!”

      Aquinas: What WHO doesn’t like?

      Santa: What people in POWER don’t like!

      Aquinas: Why? Why does the burden of tolerance only fall upon those who have power over others?

      Santa: Because, you know, reason and the enlightenment and all that! Thomas Jefferson said, “We hold these truths to be self-evident..!”

      Aquinas: But not everyone does, so they’re not self-evident, they’re taken on faith.

      Santa: You can’t say that!

      Aquinas: I just did. What are you going to do about it?

      Santa: Put you on my naughty list!

      Aquinas: Like all tyrants do whenever they have no realistic answer.

      12/26/13 4:19 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...

      5

      quote”Aquinas: Like all tyrants do whenever they have no realistic answer.”unquote

      Indeed. And this is why the tyrants will ultimately fail.

      http://sipseystreetirregulars.blogspot.com/2013/12/why-barack-obama-and-his-collectivist.html

      12/26/13 6:20 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      6

      Santa and the NSA both deal in fantasies:

      “U.S. District Court Judge Pauley noted the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks and how the phone data-collection system could have helped investigators connect the dots before the attacks occurred.

      The NSA, FBI and CIA incompetents all proved they couldn’t stop the 9-11 plot even if they knew the flights and their seat numbers.

      12/27/13 6:49 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...

      7

      Rich said:”The NSA, FBI and CIA incompetents all proved they couldn’t stop the 9-11 plot even if they knew the flights and their seat numbers.”unquote

      They knew the “plot”. They wrote it.

      As to pond scum Pauly, I’ve got $1k that says he’s the next SC judge to be nominated. Any takers?

      12/28/13 11:51 AM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...

      8

      Speaking of pond scum traitors, in my view the Founders would have already hung this piece of shit.

      12/28/13 11:56 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      9

      12/31/13 2:08 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      10

      If you got Smartphone for Christmas, don’t be surprised the NSA was the secret Santa:

      ahttp://arstechnica.com/information-technology/2013/12/inside-the-nsas-leaked-catalog-of-surveillance-magic/

      12/31/13 2:23 PM | Comment Link

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