• FBI Makes a Video on How You Can Be a Chinese Spy

    May 23, 2014

    Tags: , ,
    Posted in: Embassy/State

    Are you a bonehead? Or do you have a college-age son or daughter who is a bonehead interested in study abroad? Have we got a video for you.

    Your FBI is concerned that bonehead Americans will travel overseas to enemy-controlled territory such as China and be recruited as spies. Since this apparently happened once to one total dumbass kid, the FBI turned right around and spent a boatload of your taxpayer dollars to make a cheesy video, albeit one with professional actors and Hollywood-level technical production qualities. This video explains how to become a Chinese spy.

    The whole silly thing is a long half hour to wade through, so for those already at the airport waiting to board a flight to Asia, we’ll summarize the steps to becoming a Red spy:

    – Go to China. Make out a bit with Chinese girls. These are not spies, it’s just that Chinese girls are easy. Be seduced by the ancient culture and sleazy Asian tail. You know they like big, tall Americans, just like in those old Vietnam movies, Charlie.

    — Answer an ad on Craigslist in China. This is really what happened LOL. It seems the Chinese government will pay you, a dumbass abroad who speaks just tragically awful Mandarin, a lot of money to write “papers” on whatever, politics and stuff, with no strings attached. They will not, however, send one of those beautiful hot Chinese women as your “handler.” They will send someone who looks like your mom if she was Chinese and used to be sort of hot but really, not any more, even if you’d been drinking a little first. Very clever.

    — Your Chinese mom will soon introduce you to Mr. X. He will look and act like a Chinese Bond villain, but kinda sleazier. He will ply you with booze and hand you lots of money, because, that’s what happens in China. He will make a chess analogy. You won’t get it, but you… are… the… pawn!!!!!

    — Mr. X will encourage you to take the State Department Foreign Service Exam. In the video, the kid fails it, because of course he is a bonehead. Next, Mr. X will introduce you to Mr. Y, who somehow is even sleazier. He’ll say hello, then demand you apply for a job with the CIA, perhaps via Craigslist.

    — The stern CIA will catch you with their super-polygraph trade-craftery and you’ll go to jail. No more Chinese love affairs buddy.


    An Idiot Abroad

    The real life dumbass this instructional hygiene film is based on did indeed do all these things. He ended up charged with conspiracy to commit espionage, even though he never had a chance to enter the federal government (he couldn’t even pass the State Department test!) and was in no position to give away any secrets because he knew none.

    One assumes it was either a slow week at the FBI, or the kid was popped as a warning to other stupid Americans to just stay on campus smoking dope in L.A. and not mess around with foreign languages and their vile women. Indeed, the collegiate perp had this insider’s advice from another dumb video for his peeps studying abroad: “If someone is offering you money and it feels like you don’t have to do anything for that money, then there’s probably a hook in there that you’re not seeing.”

    Americans: That advice, about not accepting free money because there is always a hook, also applies when “Coach” invites you over to his bachelor pad to do some yardwork. On Saturday night. At midnight. In your tight jeans, specifically.

    Important Video Points

    Before you consume the video, a couple of things to watch for.

    – Note how all the Chinese in the video are nice, polite, well-spoken. Note how every American in the video is shrill and unpleasant. The FBI video crew may want to send the script back with notes for a rewrite.

    — Note how much technology and how many people the CIA and the FBI devote to luring in and arresting this kid. They even surveilled him in China! They were on to the scheme all along, just like Jack Bauer and Tom Clancy!

    — Hey Chinese spies, a tip! You want to recruit Americans who actually have access to secrets, not the nerds we send abroad during college, ‘kay?

    — But if the Chinese really want to waste their time, money and assets on recruiting idiot American college students, we should let them. Just like when the Republicans won the Cold War by tricking the Russkies into spending too much on outer space rocket defenses against the Spiders from Mars, we’ll sit back and watch China fritter away their moola, then hope they still have some left to loan us.


    One also hopes that this helpful video from the FBI is never translated into Mandarin. It is highly likely our own secret agent men are using these same tactics to lure in Chinese students in America. Wouldn’t want to tip them off…

    Anyway, here’s the FBI’s anti-spy video, along with one of its peers:




    Or maybe this???????????????????????????





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    Copyright © 2014. All rights reserved. The views expressed here are solely those of the author(s) in their private capacity. Follow me on Twitter!

  • Recent Comments

    • Rich Bauer said...

      1

      Ah, “The Americans.” So the FBI thinks it’s sex, sex, sex. Baloney.

      “Follow the money.” – Robert Hannsen

      http://content.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,2047748,00.html

      05/23/14 2:01 PM | Comment Link

    • meloveconsullongtime said...

      2

      College students in unfriendly countries are the least likely to be compromised by sex. The ones who usually fall into the honeypot are Consular officers, including Consul Generals.

      05/23/14 3:08 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...

      3

      quote”The ones who usually fall into the honeypot are Consular officers, including Consul Generals.”unquote

      Add military officers and generals too.

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Petraeus_scandal

      http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2527002/Air-Force-general-Michael-Carey-fired-drunk-behavior-trip-Moscow.html

      05/24/14 11:22 AM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...

      4

      quote”Your FBI is concerned that bonehead Americans will travel overseas to enemy-controlled territory such as China and be recruited as spies.”unquote

      Vs recruiting American BONEHEADS as spies for the NSA to spy on their fellow citizens.

      http://www.nsa.gov/applications/careers/recruit_events/

      Although, I see a couple of California legislators have introduced a bill that makes it illegal for Universities to “support” ANY efforts of the NSA in their state. Go California!

      http://www.reuters.com/article/2014/05/20/us-usa-california-spying-idUSBREA4J02I20140520

      Now if only a Utah legislators bill introduced to cut off water to the NSA’s Bluffdale facility would become law, I might have some faith in the system. I bet Clapper’s head is exploding. Make my day you asshole.

      http://tenthamendmentcenter.com/2014/02/12/utah-legislator-introduces-bill-to-cut-of-nsa-data-centers-water-supply/

      05/24/14 11:42 AM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...

      5

      ps..speaking of spying on US citizens, if this isn’t the most Gestapo like program in Amerika I don’t know what is. Add the word “Homeland” and it makes perfect sense…

      http://www.dhs.gov/if-you-see-something-say-something%E2%84%A2-campaign

      Yes indeed..the Department of “Homeland” Security. The only thing missing is a Swastika in their logo.

      I submit, if the USA “FREEDUMBER” act becomes law, it won’t be long before we see DHS jackbooted thugs kicking in doors around Amerika.

      Living proof the authors of this bill, while mocking the Constitution, redefine the word hubris, notwithstanding traitor. Senator Church must be crying while King George lll must be rolling on the floor in hysterics. Abyss indeed. Freefalling to the bottom. Won’t be long now.

      Meanwhile, that scumbag who wrote the memo authorizing the murder of American citizens, David Barron, get’s rewarded as a nominee to a life term on the bench.

      http://www.emptywheel.net/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/CryingJustice.jpeg

      Right. You couldn’t make this stuff up. IF Congress let’s this criminal become a Judge, notwithstanding that other scumbag, Jay Bybee, and the Freedumb act becomes law, I submit, Jennifer Granick’s assessment of Congress is dead on.. this isn’t rule of law..this is
      is a coup d’etat. Even the DOJ’s Deputy Attorney General, James Cole, testified earlier this week before the Senate Judiciary Committee that the NSA might continue its bulk collection of nearly all domestic phone call records, even if Congress does enacts the Freedom Act into law.

      http://cyberlaw.stanford.edu/blog/2013/12/common-law-coup-detat-how-nsas-creative-interpretations-law-subvert-congress-and-rule

      They’ve redefined the term..rule of law. It’s now..”We’re gonna do what the fuck ever we want”.

      Meanwhile, the senator’s on the Senate Foreign Relations committee pry the living proof out of executive branch officials..notwithstanding their stonewalling to the point even McCain get’s up and walks out of the hearing in total contempt of these arrogant fucks. Watch this and you won’t believe what the executive is claiming. But just in case you don’t, I’ll give you a clue..it’s a word in Senator Church’s dire warning…and it begins with a “D”.

      http://www.foreign.senate.gov/hearings/authorization-for-use-of-military-force-after-iraq-and-afghanistan-05-21-14

      Give up? Ok..it’s.. DICTATOR.

      05/24/14 12:26 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...

      6

      ps..here’s a picture of Barron and Bybee together. Perfect team.

      http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lEkJZaCNE6M/U4Bb-9JyI6I/AAAAAAAAbYs/X5n6V2afNWA/s320/witch_doctors.jpg

      05/24/14 12:39 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...

      7

      ps2..and I promise to quit..at least for today. :)

      How many times have I associated the word “steroids” with Orwell, the Surveillance state..AND the Stazi…?

      Well sooprise sooprise sooprise! Take a gander at this..especially the scumbag in the picture.

      http://www.nj.com/news/index.ssf/2010/12/hundreds_of_nj_police_firefigh.html

      Imagine a whole SWAT team..and DHS stasi..or any other psychopathic agency “enforcement” team.

      Any questions? I think not.

      05/24/14 12:48 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...

      8

      ps3…I lied. I just can’t help it.

      Did I mention..”rule of law” has been redefined as “”We’re gonna do what the fuck ever we want”.?

      Living proof…

      http://www.nationalreview.com/corner/378721/judge-rules-conyers-can-be-primary-ballot-despite-not-meeting-signature-requirements

      Like I said..you can’t make this shit up.

      05/24/14 12:54 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...

      9

      ps4..I can’t..I can’t stop..this is it..this is the moment I’ve been talking about for years…

      How many times have I mentioned jackbooted thugs..kicking down doors..and CONFISCATING WEAPONS???????

      http://www.policestateusa.com/2014/sutterfield-vs-milwaukee/

      This is the beginning. An unconstitutional judicial PRECEDENT. It’s no longer..a matter of time. The Stazi are real now. And they WILL kill you.

      And here you thought they’d NEVER make use of a GUN OWNER DATABASE.

      Welcome to the “homeland”. Now excuse me while I puke.

      05/24/14 1:14 PM | Comment Link

    • wemeantwell said...

      10

      When I save up enough for a vacation, or take the plea deal for 3-to-5, this blog is yours Pitch. It’s going down and the rich don’t even care enough to lube us up anymore.

      05/24/14 2:21 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...

      11

      ps..just when you think these cockroaches couldn’t get any more criminal..a judge comes along and turns the 4th Amendment on it’s head..

      http://www.policestateusa.com/2014/sutterfield-vs-milwaukee/

      QUALIFIED IMMUNITY. right. Now that KICKING IN A DOOR AND CONFISCATING WEAPONS is LEGAL PRECEDENT..these fucks will do anything they want now knowing a Judge has said they can.

      And now you know why gun owners refuse to kneel to a Federal gun-owner database. It’s no longer a “matter of time”..it’s here. The only limit now is how many Stasi they can assemble at one time.
      I smell a civil war coming..closer and closer.

      05/24/14 3:38 PM | Comment Link

    • meloveconsullongtime said...

      12

      Peter wrote:

      “the rich don’t even care enough to lube us up anymore”…

      …and THAT, reminds me of THIS! Appropriately set in an American prison…

      …because prisons always reflect their national characters. The sociology of a prison is always the same as the sociology of a nation:

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5cTgyLZdJk

      05/24/14 4:11 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...

      13

      I give up. The hits just keep on coming.
      Back in January I posted a comment on an EFF suit in regards to the legality of National Security Letters, and the legality of the GAG orders that come with them.
      http://wemeantwell.com/blog/2014/01/18/obama-nsa-speech-pretty-words-no-real-change/

      The Judge ruled the NSL’s completely illegal, but stayed the ruling and gave the government 90 days to appeal, which has been at the 9th circut since. From the time the case was docketed, it was sealed.

      During this time, Reporters Committee for Freedom of the Press filed an amicus breif, along with 15 major news companys. This brief contained only public information but guess what?

      Sooprise sooprise sooprise… the government had it SEALED too. Not only that, the RCFP file a breif to UNSEAL the prior breif..and they SEALED it too!!! Finally, after a week the government allowed the second breif to be unsealed, only to have the Judge KEEP it sealed for 8 more days. Well, he finally unsealed it today. Unfuckingbelievable.

      http://rcfp.org/browse-media-law-resources/news/ninth-circuit-keeps-reporters-committee-amicus-brief-nsl-case-sealed

      This is looking like Nazi Germany more and more every day.

      05/24/14 4:19 PM | Comment Link

    • meloveconsullongtime said...

      14

      (Seriously, Peter):

      PS to my above comment:

      A poem by the late Amiri Baracka, aka LeRoy Jones (1932-2014), the late Poet Laureate of New Jersey, who I think ought to have been America’s Poet Laureate:

      “A Poem Some People Will Have to Understand

      Dull unwashed windows of eyes
      and buildings of industry. What
      industry do I practice? A slick
      colored boy, 12 miles from his
      home. I practice no industry.
      I am no longer a credit
      to my race. I read a little,
      scratch against silence slow spring
      afternoons.
      I thought, before, some years ago
      that I’d come to the end of my life.
      Watercolor ego. Without the preciseness
      a violent man could propose.
      But the wheel, and the wheels,
      won’t let us alone. All the fantasy
      and justice, and dry charcoal winters
      All the pitifully intelligent citizens
      I’ve forced myself to love.

      We have awaited the coming of a natural
      phenomenon. Mystics and romantics, knowledgeable
      workers of the land.

      But none has come.
      (Repeat)
      but none has come.

      Will the machinegunners please step forward?”
      (1969)

      And here’s a recent poetry recital by the late Amiri Baracka, a true American patriot:

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUEu-pG1HWw

      05/24/14 4:19 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...

      15

      quote“the rich don’t even care enough to lube us up anymore”…”unquote

      Yeah, but they’re sure getting scared of getting buttfucked them self now that Piketty’s book is becoming the talk of the planet. Every day, a new set of 1% talking heads are trying with everything they got to discredit him and the book. Like one commenter said..”I haven’t seen this much blowback and lies coming from the 1% in 60 years.” That tells me something. Well I got news for them. IF, the 99% ever get to the point that Piketty warned the 1% about..lubing their asshole is the LAST thing they have to worry about.

      05/24/14 4:31 PM | Comment Link

    • meloveconsullongtime said...

      16

      …and ONE answer to Amiri Baracka’s question, “WHO?”…

      …is “WHO” are, the High Priests, in ALL nations! Always.

      In today’s American Empire, the High Priests are in Washington DC, and the lesser Priests and Scribes and Pharisees are NY Times and Washington Post and CBS/ABC/NBC “journalists”.

      And being “Jewish” has nothing to do with it, because the King of the Jews was crucified by Jews AND Romans AND Greeks, and that’s why the sign over His cross was written in THREE languages! Hebrew AND Greek AND Latin! And that sign in three languages, was just to make it clear, that ALL of the nations of the known world, were all equally responsible for torturing and murdering an innocent man.

      In light of which, THIS is “WHO”!:

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vMDpP9LsJG0

      05/24/14 4:38 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...

      17

      quote”And here’s a recent poetry recital by the late Amiri Baracka, a true American patriot:”unquote

      holy shit. melov… that was AWESOME.

      (shaking head slowly)
      Thanks.

      05/24/14 4:46 PM | Comment Link

    • meloveconsullongtime said...

      18

      Hey Pitch, thanks and good on ya, mate!

      Oh and by the way, just a bit more re my above clip about the trial of Our Lord Jesus Christ (Yeshua Bar Yusef, of Nazareth)…

      …My maternal Grandfather was part Jewish. Or rather, HIS Grandfather was a Jew who converted to Christianity, but anyway I’m part Jewish and proudly so.

      In light of the above, I say, THIS! HAHA! ;-) :-):

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rd1Pyu9_rxo

      05/24/14 4:56 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...

      19

      quote”In today’s American Empire, the High Priests are in Washington DC, and the lesser Priests and Scribes and Pharisees are NY Times and Washington Post and CBS/ABC/NBC “journalists”.”unquote

      I wouldn’t call them HIGH priests. Unless you refer to their intoxication with power. To them, money means nothing. Power is everything. Power over humanity. Which in essence..is Satan.

      05/24/14 5:01 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...

      20

      quote”…My maternal Grandfather was part Jewish. Or rather, HIS Grandfather was a Jew who converted to Christianity, but anyway I’m part Jewish and proudly so.”unquote

      My grandfather on my mothers side was part American Indian. My other grandfather was Irish. I guess that makes me a pissed off alcoholic. :)

      05/24/14 5:11 PM | Comment Link

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