• DHS: Roundup of Norwegians to Begin

    July 25, 2011

    Tags: , ,
    Posted in: Democracy, Embassy/State, Iraq, Other Ideas

    Terrorist Following the horrific events in Oslo last week, Homeland Security officials in the US announced the pending roundup of Norwegians in the Homeland (i.e., America). “We are taking steps out of an abundance of caution to protect our Homelandians (i.e., Americans),” stated a DHS spokesperson. “Now that we know white people are as dangerous as brown people, these are steps we need to take.”

    Republican Presidential Candidate Michele Bachmann was quick to pick up on the issue, leading a group of overweight voters to protest in front of the Secaucus Ikea store, located only six miles from Ground Zero in a different state. Despite being informed that Ikea was an iconic Swedish brand, Bachmann was undeterred in shouting anti-Norwegian slogans. “If we thought sharia law was a threat, the ability of these people to blend in among us makes them an even greater threat.” Bachmann denied that she had once eaten Norwegian food in Minnesota, home to many Norwegian immigrants. “Lutefish, or as I call it, Freedom Fish, is as American as hamburger or pasta,” said the angry Bachmann as she left the scene on leathery wings that sprouted from her spine.

    An Angry Mob (c) grew frustrated as their lack of knowledge of Norway made racist statements hard to come up with. “We can’t call ’em ragheads, or make fun of ’em eatin’ watermelon or fried chicken, so it’s hard,” stated one slack-jawed yokel. “Also nothing rude rhymes with ‘Norwegian’ so our chants are pretty lame.” The Angry Mob planned to morph into a Drunken Crowd and go home.

    NPR regular voice of wry reason Garrison Keillor called for calm. “I wrote whimsically about Norwegians in my books about Lake Wobegon. Let us remember those happy tales and not jump to conclusions.” Keillor did note that he was only half Norwegian and hey, who can pick their parents?

    The issue did not escape White House comment. President Obama spoke briefly to the nation on the QVC Channel to say “Typically America responds to terror attacks that have nothing to do with us by sending armed drones into action. Right now my staff is carefully checking to see if Norway has any oil and if they do, then we will start bombing immediately. America expects nothing less, and I will do nothing less to protect this nation.”

    The President’s speech was met with bipartisan support, as Congress voted to eliminate the states of South Dakota and Missouri to free up funds for the new nordic war.

    What, not funny? Too soon for irony? Imagine what would have happened if the attacks had been carried out by Muslims.



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