• Iraq Offers Advice to Libya on Democracy

    October 7, 2011

    Tags: , ,
    Posted in: Democracy, Iraq, Other Ideas

    (This is true)

    Iraq’s prime minister offered to help Libya, a country with a shared history of dictatorship, build its fledgling democracy during a meeting Thursday with Libya’s visiting prime minister. Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki told his Libyan counterpart, Mahmoud Jibril, who was on a one-day visit to Iraq, that Baghdad is will to ready to lend support on writing a constitution and holding elections.

    (This was intercepted by accident via a misrouted Wikileaks submission)

    Maliki (Iraq): So how much you get from the Americans?

    Jibril (Libya): Freaking billions, dude. Bundles of cash. I got no place to store it.

    Maliki (Iraq): Yeah, that’s not my missing oil money bro, right?

    Jibril (Libya): (laughter)

    Maliki (Iraq): I heard kids in America have to pay for their own democracy. Not like us, eh? Here, watch this. (sound of phone) Hey, Barack. Paypal me $100 million or I’ll appoint al-Sadr governor of Anbar, bitch.

    Jibril (Libya): Ok, I’ll try (sound of phone). Barack, how’s it hanging? Hey, I need $200 million or I can’t promise where that Qaddafi yellowcake is gonna end up. (pause) It’s all about the Benjamins.

    Maliki (Iraq): So about these elections my friend. The Americans will want lots of TV coverage of the purple fingers of “voters.” I don’t know what it is, some kind of fetish thing for them. Nobody cares who wins, as long as it looks fair at the one polling site Jimmy Carter and Sean Penn show up to watch. If those two get out of control, just fire off a few shots and have one of your goons throw a rock at Anderson Cooper and they’ll all run home.

    Jibril (Libya): Got it. By the way, I downloaded the US Constitution off Wikipedia last night like you said, and did search and replace on “America” for “Libya.” Is that enough for the Americans?

    Maliki (Iraq): Close my friend. Stick in some b.s. about giving rights to women, and some bullshit about freedom of religion. They LOVE that stuff. Here’s a number for my man at FOX– email him a copy, plus extras for McCain and Lieberman, they share the same email addy anyway. That’ll be worth a couple of billion in aid next year. If they complain about anything, call Hilary and say they’re messin’ with your Islam. She’ll fix it.

    Jibril (Libya): Hey man, thanks for all this. I thought democracy was gonna be a lot harder.

    Maliki (Iraq): No worries brother. Just one more thing. Watch this (phone sounds). Barack– I just found some al Qaeda guys in my pool house. Get your lazy ass over here and clean my freaking swimming pool.

    Jibril (Libya): Sweet. I love freedom.


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