A Child’s Glossary for the War of Terror

May 30, 2012

Tags: Islam, MEK, terrorism
Posted in: Afghanistan, Democracy, Iran, Iraq, Military

Learning is fun! and knowing how to understand grownup language in the War of Terror is a duty for all children, just as it is important to brush your teeth each evening and report suspicious activity by your parents. Your Government wants you to do these things so it can protect you from scary terrorists.

Bad men (many are gay– ask dad to explain) and women (most have had abortions) in the “media” will try and hurt your mind with words. You have to be strong to fight back against this “word terrorism.” We’ll help!

People killed by US Drones = Militants or Terrorists (suspected terrorist is OK if liberal media, for now)

People killed by Terrorists = Innocent Victims

Innocent Victims Killed by US Drones = Accidents, Suspected Terrorist or Collateral Damage

Innocent Victims Killed by Terrorists = Innocent Victims

Bad Terrorists = Enemies, Mad Dogs

Good Terrorists = Freedom Fighters (need help determining who is who? The State Department keeps a list of terrorist organizations. Check back frequently on the status of MEK.)

Afghan Soldiers Who Kill American Soldiers = Terrorists wearing Afghan Army uniforms

Iraqi Police Who Killed American Soldiers = Terrorists wearing Iraqi Police uniforms

American Soldiers Who Sacrifice Themselves = Heroes

Terrorists Who Sacrifice Themselves = Fanatics

Powerful Belief in God = Righteous City on a Hill

Powerful Belief in Allah = Fanatic

People Who Touch Your Private Parts in the Airport = TSA Patriots

People Who Touch Your Private Parts at School = Pedophiles

Empowering Women in America = Socialism

Empowering Women in Afghanistan = Foreign Policy

Killing People in Yemen = Defending America

Killing People in US = Terrorism

Massacre in Afghanistan = Random act of deranged individual soldier

Massacre in Syria = Proof of whatever it is we think is wrong in Syria

Weapons for One Side = Dangerous Escalation

Weapons for the Other Side = Freedom

Illegal Prisons, Wiretapping, Torture = Bush

Illegal Prisons, Wiretapping, Torture = Obama

And a few bonus items kids:

Reasons Ambassadors and General Quit Early = Spend more time with family, health, give back to society

“Militant” = all military-age males we kill

America’s Most Important Foreign Policy Objective = Vietnam, Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, aw, just remember “We Have Always Been at War with Eastasia.”

If you’re caught unaware of the right answer to a hard, hard question, just remember “If we do it, it is right and if they do it, it is wrong.” You’ll be right every time, just like America!

BONUS: For those who think this is satire, much of Obama’s “success limiting civilian deaths in drone strikes is, in part, due to a disputed method for counting civilian casualties embraced by Obama. According to the New York Times, the White House considers ‘all military-age males in a strike zone as combatants … unless there is explicit intelligence posthumously proving them innocent.'” Hah, because dead men tell no tales.

We’ve come full circle now in America. The Obama policy is nearly identical to tying a suspected witch to a stone and throwing her in the river. If she drowned, then the old Salem inquisitors had their “posthumous proof” that she wasn’t a witch.

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