“It all started with a postcard,” said former president George W. Bush in an exclusive interview with We Meant Well.
“The card was from Lesotho, a country I learned which was one of them African nations you never hear about. The Lesothoians wrote ‘Thanks for Not Invading Us’ and claimed to be one of the last places on earth that had not been invaded by the United States, either on foot or by drone or via our sneaky Pete special forces. Got me to thinking, so I called up Barack. We talk from time to time, usually when he can’t find something around the White House and needs my help.”
“It was George’s call that made me get out the map,” said Obama. “I didn’t want to bother the Joint Chiefs, and the CIA was tied up with new prisoners, so I just used one of Sasha’s from school. Turns out George was right, there was a country called Lesotho– it was even on Wikipedia— and as best I could tell the U.S. had not ever invaded it. I made a quick call to the Pentagon and they said they weren’t sure if it was a country, but they were sure we had not invaded it. The guy over there asked me if I wanted to invade it, he’d get things started, but I said I’d want to think about it.”
“So Barack called me back, and as we were talking we realized between the two of us we had invaded, droned, sent Special Forces, set up secret prisons, had CIA sites and what have you just about everywhere else in the world. You know, there after 9/11 I kinda let Dick Cheney run things for awhile, and he may have done a lot of it but darn it, it turns out I signed off on a bunch of them myself. You don’t think of it as you do them one-by-one but over time the countries really add up.”
“Once I started making my own list,” continued Obama, “it was damn near everywhere.”
“Everywhere,” said Bush, “‘Cept maybe that Lesotho place.”
“I was faced with a real quandary,” continued Obama. “But then George and I got to talking.”
“Turns out,” said Bush, “between the two of us we had damn near bankrupted the U.S. with wars every freaking place, but Lesotho. I logged on my secret worldwide cabal account, and sure enough, almost all of the U.S. tax money had been transferred into my Rothschild MegaFund, in Chinese currency no less. Since I was online anyway– damn AOL account is so slow and I hate that modem sound– I started reading these ‘blogs’ and message boards and it turns out most people around the world hate the U.S. Nobody told me.”
“George was right. The Secret Service doesn’t let me get online much, but I kept this kinda secret account from Michele so I could, um, look at, um, nature photography sites, and people really did hate us. Pretty much everyone except Lesotho.”
“So me and Barack put two and two together. We made a list of all the places the U.S. had messed up since 9/11 and then sent a note to the Pentagon and Langley recalling every soldier, spook, analyst, torturer, diplomat and all the rest. Everybody– just brought them all back to the U.S. in one awesome Executive Order.”
“Should I tell him George?”
“Nah, it’s a surprise… oh hell, go ahead Barack.”
“We didn’t recall any Americans. I just ordered a nuke strike on Lesotho. April Fool!”
Copyright © 2020. All rights reserved. The views expressed here are solely those of the author(s) in their private capacity.
Coincidentally (using that word in its proper literal sense) – and no this isn’t a joke – the origin of April Fools Day was that back in the Middle Ages, Easter Monday was customarily a day to make fun of the Devil, because Jesus’ resurrection had made a fool of the Devil.
This year Easter Monday coincides with April Fools Day, a double dose of reasons to make fun of evil, and to remember that in the long run, even evil geniuses (let alone evil mediocrities) make fools of themselves.
Now more seriously, returning to PVB’s original point…
…I’ve previously posted some parts of this ancient transcript on Peter’s blog, but his present post warrants my doing so again. From Thucydides “History” (5th century BC), an excerpt from the negotiations between the Great Power of Athens and the people of the tiny island of Melos, an equivalent of today’s Lesotho (or Iraq, or Yemen, et al…):
Melians. Is that your subjects’ idea of equity, to put those who have nothing to do with you in the same category with peoples that are most of them your own colonists, and some conquered rebels?
Athenians. As far as right goes they think one has as much of it as the other, and that if any maintain their independence it is because they are strong, and that if we do not molest them it is because we are afraid; so that besides extending our empire we should gain in security by your subjection; the fact that you are islanders and weaker than others rendering it all the more important that you should not succeed in baffling the masters of the seas…
PS re my above comment:
To any members of the State Department’s DSS who might have tried to read my above comment citing Thucydides:
Sorry for all the big words.
And then there’s this, around year 40-something AD, when the Emperor of All of Western Civilisation returned with his spoils from a battle against the god Neptune…
…and he, the lunatic Emperor Caligula, never put the Roman Empire into debt…:
quote:”Sorry for all the big words.” unquote
yeah, BIG is a tough one. Unless of course, anatomy is being discussed.
More like April Fraud’s Day, or so it seems to me.
“yeah, BIG is a tough one. Unless of course, anatomy is being discussed”