• Happy Valentine’s Day: U.S. (Hearts) Karzai

    February 14, 2014

    Tags: , ,
    Posted in: Afghanistan, Embassy/State, Iraq

    In an article headlined The U.S. Has Finally Outfoxed Hamid Karzai, the occasionally-respected Fiscal Times explains how for months Afghan President Hamid Karzai has refused to sign a long-term security agreement with the United States, causing mounting frustration within the White House and the Pentagon. Now, according to the Times, “it appears as if President Obama and his advisers have finally outfoxed Karzai, marking the end of a long and tumultuous relationship.” The Times:

    The White House and DOD have decided not to make any agreement until after April’s presidential elections in which Karzai is not expected to be a candidate. They’ll only make a deal with Karzai’s successor.

    “If he’s not going to be part of the solution, we have to have a way to get past him,” a senior U.S. official said of the elected leader. “It’s a pragmatic recognition that clearly Karzai may not sign the (deal) and that he doesn’t represent the voice of the Afghan people.”

    By way of perspective, the U.S. has previously outfoxed Karzai by handing him fantastic amounts of unmarked cash and creating a massive, corrupt system in Afghanistan that bleeds the U.S. taxpayer while feeding even more money to Karzai and his family.

    (None of the above is satire. It is true. Here’s the satire part.)

    Karzai, however, is a sly old fox himself and is thus not easily outfoxed. Unbeknownst to U.S. authorities as the NSA was preoccupied with Beyonce’s selfies folder, Karzai has moved to Washington DC. While the Old Grey Fox first was just using the money he stole from the U.S. to buy up real estate (“giving back”), these days Karzai is shipping hundreds of his relatives, friends and his favorite hired gunmen into the DC suburbs.

    “It’s freaking dangerous in Afghanistan, and you crazy Americans want to keep the war going forever,” Karzai exclusively told this blog, “I’ve got ‘graveyard of empires’ printed right on my wallet so its not like the Ambassador doesn’t see it every time we meet, but that dude is crazy. ‘We don’t want another Vietnam, er, Iraq,’ he says. I guess his solution is that as long as the U.S. keeps killing Afghans they can say it’s not over and they haven’t lost. So anyway, who wants to be a part of all that? I’ll just pack up in April and let the next jerk to do this job sort it out. I still can’t figure out why the Taliban want this dump anyway.”

    “Despite all that, I still like the Ambassador personally. Funny guy. He once gave me a stack of Benjamins just to “like” the embassy Facebook page. Sometimes when the Ambo and I are just kicking back with a few 40’s he talks about the U.S. not wanting to lose the gains they’ve made over the last decade in this rat hole. I always end up with beer spraying out my nose when he says that. I mean, look out the window– that goat cost you Americans 75 billion dollars.”

    Karzai did get reflective at the end of the interview, remembering his first cash bribe from a then-junior CIA officer. “That guy is now running their whole op here,” said the president. “Twelve years goes by. They just grow up so fast.”

    “Anyway, I’m out of here. Somebody tell the U.S. Army ‘last man to die for a bad idea, turn off the light when you leave.’ That’s the expression you guys use in English, yes?” By the way, what do you think about BitCoin as an investment? I’m fat with cash right now and how many Rolexes do you really need?”

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  • Recent Comments

    • Rich Bauer said...


      This Valentine’s Day let US celebrate our parting of the ways. Such an ingrate, acting like a lover pissed just because we gave them herpes. After all we did for him. Yeah, we killed lots of innocent Afghans but it was for the greater good….exactly what escapes me at the moment. Here’s something worth celebrating:


      02/14/14 2:07 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...


      Rich Rich Rich!! THANKS!(scrolling down to..OMG.)

      quote”It’s not the first time a blimp went down in Jersey.”


      blimp. New Jersey….

      BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! priceless. That’s the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time.


      quote:”(None of the above is satire. It is true. Here’s the satire part.)”unquote

      Speaking of Karzai satire..scroll down to KarzaiTalk….Harry Shearer is unbelievably funny.


      The whole show is funny though.

      02/14/14 2:27 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...


      ps..goddammit Rich..that first page was AWESOME!!

      02/14/14 2:29 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...



      This stuff writes itself. I’m just a witness to the insanity.

      02/14/14 3:00 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...


      “This stuff writes itself”

      wait…wait a minute Rich. ..umm..are you the author of that piece on Gov. Blimp? wait…Lord Humongous..in the article. Let’s see..where have I read that before?

      well I’ll be damned. You gotta be the author. Right?

      02/14/14 6:06 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...



      Hell, yeah. Peter talked me into writing a blog. Looked what it did for his career. You should give it a try. Call it “The Pitch Bitch”

      02/14/14 7:28 PM | Comment Link

    • jo6pac said...


      Great Title RB, run with it Pitch;)

      02/14/14 10:44 PM | Comment Link

    • Kyzl Orda said...


      “It’s a pragmatic recognition that clearly Karzai may not sign the (deal) and that he doesn’t represent the voice of the Afghan people.”

      So our officials are publicly voicing they do not think Karzai represents the Afghanis?? Way back when there were other candidates they could have supported lol but that was kind of a messy process too

      Such comments come right after approving a generous aid package for Afghanistan. Did our official give any hints, pardon – not an appropriate word — insights, oh wrong word too, ‘thoughts’ who he thinks might win the elections in April?

      02/14/14 10:47 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...


      “So our officials are publicly voicing they do not think Karzai represents the Afghanis??”

      Our officials don’t represent our interests… unless you make over a million a year and can bribe them.

      02/14/14 11:37 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...


      holy mother of connections. Did I wake up in a parallel universe this morning?

      “The Pitch Bitch”..really? C’maaan ..really? Bitch?? I kinda was leaning towards Wallace. I mean, in the last three days I was even considering joinin the twitter crowd, facebooks etc and even trying a few of the darkinterwebs outbacks of connectedness to correct my current vector.

      Hahahahahahaha! And then I had to make it to the bathroom.

      02/15/14 12:07 AM | Comment Link

    • Michael Murry said...


      “in an interview with Pham Van Dong, one American asked the North Vietnamese foreign minister how he could call the Saigon government an ‘American puppet’ when it acted with such consistency against American interests. ‘Ah,’ replied the minister, ‘it’s a puppet all right. It’s just a bad puppet.'” — Frances Fitzgerald, Fire in the Lake: the Vietnamese and the Americans in Vietnam (1972).

      So the American government has “outfoxed” another of its bad puppets, has it? OK. Sure.

      02/15/14 5:05 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...



      You may have to write your blog with a crayon if you want Americans – The Dumbest Country on the Planet – to read it:


      02/15/14 4:28 PM | Comment Link

    • Stephen said...


      Dear Mr. Van Buren,

      I only rarely comment here but please do one thing.
      Please keep it up. Laughing at the end of empire is truly what keeps me going.
      All the best,

      02/15/14 5:18 PM | Comment Link

    • wemeantwell said...


      Thanks Stephen. I provide my end of empire commentary as a public service.

      02/15/14 5:24 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...


      “You may have to write your blog with a crayon if you want Americans – The Dumbest Country on the Planet – to read it:”

      Alright, I researched blogging for dummies..


      I thought it was to teach you how to blog for the DCOTPtm. Dumb indeed. Me.

      I think I’ll pass. My wife thinks that’s a good choice too.

      02/15/14 7:00 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...


      Peter said:
      “I provide my end of empire commentary as a public service.”

      In some future time zone, an alien will land on this planet only to find a planet sized landfill with a sign that says… We Meant Well.

      02/15/14 7:21 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...


      now that I think about it..WE MEANT WELL. What a prophetic summary of everything the USS We Meant Well leaves in it’s wake. Meanwhile, the survivors of it’s wake gather the remains of their loved ones who are strewn about their landscape in bloody burnt carnage. Over and over and over. What the hell has the “United States” become? I’ll tell you in one easy lesson. A Death State.

      The United States is the last refuge of CORPORATE LEGAL IMPERIALISM that can control the power of a Supranational Sovereign plutacracy to assert their political rights to rape the planet.

      There you have it. Now..

      bartender..a double vodka and a cold beer.

      02/15/14 11:17 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...


      02/16/14 12:35 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...


      Trust US. Would we lie?

      American intelligence officials do not deny that they collect economic information from overseas, but argue that they do not engage in industrial espionage by sharing that information with American businesses.

      02/16/14 1:11 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...


      The State Department insists that political campaign donations have nothing to do with diplomatic nominations.


      02/16/14 1:48 PM | Comment Link

    • wemeantwell said...


      I’ll have a post on the Tao of Ambassadors up Monday, exploring this cesspool of patronage.

      02/16/14 2:25 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...


      “The State Department insists that political campaign donations have nothing to do with diplomatic nominations.”

      BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! stop…stop..yer killen me.

      Of course not. They’re based on their incredibly highly qualified stupidity index…


      ya know, you’d think these schmucks would at least read a one page Wikipedia summary of the nation they’re being nominated for instead of playing Dolts for $.

      I’d love to see the looks on the face of those nations diplomats when they see these nominees…talk about facepalms and rolling eyes.

      02/16/14 4:34 PM | Comment Link

    • Kyzl Orda said...


      In addition to the spoils process for ambassadorships, how about the broken USA Jobs process where certain postings for mere civil service jobs at State already have a candidate in mind in spite of the legal obligation to provide a ‘competitive’ process? That’s definitely a no-no.

      Watch the job opennings where the position is suddenly closed, a couple of weeks pass, then a new announcement is issued with more ‘specific’ qualifications — ECA HR will do that if a veteran candidate applies, jeopardizing the ‘preferred’ candidate who is supposed to be the one to get the position.

      These are problems that pre-date this administration but were supposed to be ‘changed’.

      02/16/14 9:29 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...


      Kyzl Orda said…

      “These are problems that pre-date this administration but were supposed to be ‘changed’.”

      Changed. right. Predate to Benjamin Franklin, the first ambassador of America. Look, this shit has been going on since Franklin. The State Department is a 200 yr work in progress and as State, it has as it’s mandated purpose to push, support and MILK the vested “interests” of…guess who? Along the way, guess what happens over 200 yrs. Hahaha. I pity the young fools who still believe in the purpose of State as a source of naive diplomatic “ideals”. For those who do I suggest they investigate the source of the word …STATE.

      On the other hand, I hope they succeed in their endeavor to understand the planet. However, it would behoove them to talk to Peter first.

      02/16/14 10:40 PM | Comment Link

    • Andrei said...


      Okay, call me a gloating Russian commie, but it feels like the USG is afraid, shall we say, doing worse than the Soviets in Afghanistan.

      02/17/14 9:58 AM | Comment Link

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