• Listening in on Putin: Biden and the Ukraine

    April 24, 2014

    Tags: , , ,
    Posted in: Iraq

    NSA Intercept X19/Alpha Bravo, 26APR2014, 23:12ZULU
    Access Code: pa$$word

    (NSA sends excerpt intercept below, between Russian Vladimir Putin and unnamed aide)

    PUTIN: I’m devastated. What should we do?

    AIDE: Sire?

    PUTIN: Joe Biden is in the Ukraine and he said “Russia must stop talking and start acting to defuse the Ukraine crisis.” To be truthful, I’m frightened.

    AIDE: I may have the solution. We aren’t actually trying to defuse the situation, so by just talking we’re technically in compliance with Biden’s statement.

    PUTIN: It’s still scary when he talks tough like that. Who knows what will happen next? Biden also said “further provocative behavior would lead to greater isolation.”

    AIDE: Woa. I hadn’t heard that. You’re right, that is scary.

    PUTIN: Look at this transcript. Biden also stressed the need for the Ukrainian authorities to tackle corruption, simultaneously adding the U.S. would be giving those same authorities $50 million for political and economic reforms in Ukraine.

    AIDE: Talking about anti-corruption while handing over bribe money?

    PUTIN: Yes, exactly. They have figured out one of our own strategies and are now using it against us. I may have underestimated these Americans.

    AIDE: Sire, you saw that they are sending troops eastward. Media reports show that Poland, Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania will get 150 American troops each.

    PUTIN: Good Non-God! Are we prepared to handle 150 soldiers per country? Do we need to respond with a chess analogy? Have you checked that the nuclear launch codes are still valid?

    AIDE: Well, we did have that problem with the codes after we had to include a vowel, a number and a punctuation mark in each to befuddle the NSA, but I think we’ve got it worked out.

    PUTIN: Tell me some good news. My head aches.

    AIDE: The good news is that we have no immediate plans to invade Poland. The last time we tried that it did not work out well in the long run. Our new plan is to only invade places that most Americans can’t find on a map.

    PUTIN: That should be easy enough. Let’s start with one of their own states. I make joke. You understand.

    AIDE: More vodka?

    PUTIN: Yes, please, another pitcher. I want to get really drunk and then let’s prank call Obama again and pretend to make concessions. It’s after midnight there, yes?

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  • Recent Comments

    • Rich Bauer said...


      Putin’s strategy is similar to Bin Laden’s: stoke US paranoia into bankrupting itself.

      “We won’t be fooled again.”

      04/24/14 11:34 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...


      04/24/14 11:43 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...


      Anne’s father will be glad to know that State did everything right. The terrorists apparently were not impressed with State’s “brilliant” performance.

      04/24/14 12:41 PM | Comment Link

    • jr said...


      Peter, thanks for posting this, by far the funniest piece of political satire I have seen or heard for a long while.

      04/25/14 8:00 AM | Comment Link

    • meloveconsullongtime said...


      “…the need for the Ukrainian authorities to tackle corruption, simultaneously adding the U.S. would be giving those same authorities $50 million for political and economic reforms in Ukraine”

      If my prior experiences in Yeltsin’s Russia are any guide, lots of that money will go to Ukrainian academic doyens – such as Deans of “Political Science” and related subjects – who will apply for funding for academic conferences with titles like, “Which Way Forward for Ukraine?”, with lots of banquets and hotel and travel expenses for themselves and their cronies…

      …but with very foggy accounting of how the funds will actually be used. What better way to launder those Yankee dollars than to spend them on HUMAN RIGHTS EDUCATION!

      04/25/14 10:48 AM | Comment Link

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