• Satire: U.S. Plan in Place to Defeat ISIS

    August 16, 2014

    Tags: , , ,
    Posted in: Afghanistan, Iraq, Military




    Special Forces Sergeant Bill “Buck” Turgidson took a knee behind a sand berm, at an undisclosed location in the scrappy northern Iraqi desert.

    “Old Mr. ISIS is a clever fighter,” said the hardened veteran, “but even though Uncle Sam has been fighting him for the last 11 years continuously, long past my failed first and second marriages but I ain’t bitter, we still have a couple of tricks up our sleeve. Yes, sir, this time around we’re getting on the inside to unleash hell.”

    The Sergeant shuffled nervously from foot to foot as he spoke, reminding this reporter that he was told to avoid placing both feet on the ground at the same time in front of anyone so that the president could honestly claim there were no American “boots on the ground.”

    “Yeah, it gets tiring, but we’re trained for it,” said the Sergeant.

    “Last round of fighting in Iraq, we tried bombing and artillery, some rockets, even knives and rocks, but nothing really stuck. Even whatever the Surge was didn’t seem to do the trick, and I’d heard from some buddies of mine up the chain that most people liked that back home. Oh well, this time is the charm. Hey, back in the U.S. do people still do that yellow ribbon thing? Kinda liked that. I once was thanked for my service losing these three fingers here near Mosul with a two-for-one coupon at Taco Bell.”

    The secret weapon to defeat ISIS?

    “Actually it is a three-part strategy to take down ISIS. And no, it’s not involving Chuck Norris! A little inside joke among us Green Beanie types. Anyway, the first part of the plan is already in play. We have secretly wanted all along for ISIS to capture some of our old military equipment. American stuff needs regular and careful maintenance. When we gave it to the Iraqis on our way out of the country, I guess that was ‘temporarily’ now, we knew the Iraqis would never take care of it. I mean, have you seen this country? People say they’re poor and all, and then everywhere you look there are mountains of trash. How can people who say they don’t have anything create that much garbage every day?”

    “Hey, you see that little hill over there? I took a round in my left thigh over there in 1991 during Operation Provide Comfort when we saved the Kurds. And that way? By that well, near the sheep pen, that’s where I got hit in 2003 saving the Kurds again. Lotta stuff up here needs saving it seems, so after this intervention I’m gonna leave behind some shirts and socks so I don’t have to pack so much stuff in next time.”

    “So anyway, we knew the Iraqi so-called Army would gank up everything we left behind that they didn’t sell off for scrap metal first. No oil changes, no swapped out parts, hell, they’d sooner leave a truck on the side of the road then tighten a few bolts to keep it running. So the ole’ US of A laid that trap out in 2011 nice and quiet like, just waiting for ISIS to bite. Now, ISIS is stuck with all that junk. They might get a few miles out of some of those HUMVEES, but not much more. Our old rifles are clogging with sand as we speak, and nothing meant to fly is ever gonna again. When they call in for tech support, as some of the stuff is so new it is still under warranty, they’ll be on hold and pushing button one for hours, destroying their forward momentum. Sure hope they speak Spanish, too, because the call center is in Costa Rica. Done and done. We’re only in trouble if they stumble on to some old Russian gear from Saddam’s time.”

    “The second part of the plan is Powerpoint. Anybody who has served in the U.S. military knows we plan trips to the porta-potty with a dozen Powerpoint slides, all with animated GIFs. In fact, the Army is the world’s number one consumer of animated GIFs, along with really awful fonts. Another little known fact: 67% of the military is engaged, on average, with creating a Powerpoint presentation somewhere in the world right now. Of course I can’t tell you their exact location, but I know for a fact that SEAL Team Six is on a far-away beach at this moment building a slide deck using only a portable laptop and their night vision gear. The point is simple: we have a couple of guys on the inside of ISIS explaining that all the smart jihadis use Powerpoint. This will slow their planning cycle down by 100 percent. The two hundred Microsoft Office licenses we bought yesterday off New Egg will save American blood today, absolutely. We even had the NSA gin up some fake academic email addresses for us, so we got the four year license cheap so we’re ready for the next intervention, too.”

    “Funny thing is when I went into this in 2003 to get rid of Saddam, I told myself that I was doing it so my son would never have to. Thing is that he’s now 23, and deployed to Afghanistan. Now I’m probably shooting at the older brothers of the people I shot at last war. Small world, huh? By the way, speaking of kids, because of all this intervention I’ve been deployed almost continuously for nine years. Your kids forgive you for missing nine birthdays, right? Hey, freedom ain’t free.”

    “The last sneaky Pete thing we have ‘cooked up’ is, literally, the killer. We have purposefully overshot our drop zones for some of that humanitarian aid we are delivering by air. The stuff is all MREs, Meals Ready to Eat officially, but Joe Troop calls them Meals Rejected by Everyone. The stuff inside is nasty. During our Special Forces training we have to live in the wild, using only our knives and our cunning to survive. Me, I ate snakes and insects for two weeks. After finally being allowed back in camp and given some MREs, the only thing I could do with them was use the ‘food’ inside as bait for more snakes and insects. Pretty soon the snakes wouldn’t eat it either.”

    “So we ‘accidentally’ allowed a bunch of the MREs to fall into ISIS hands. Sooner or later they’ll get hungry enough to push some down their throats. That, my friend, will end this campaign. Can you imagine a fighting force of 100,000 jihadis, everyone of which has to hit the toilet at the same time? Our planes overhead will just roll them up, like fish in a barrell. Actually, come to think of it, fish in a barrel sounds pretty good compared to an MRE.”

    “And yeah, those 72 virgins supposedly waiting in heaven for Mr. ISIS? Well, rumor has it Saint Peter made a mistake and misdirected a couple of Marines into Muslim heaven. Let’s just say there are no longer any virgins available, if you get my meaning.”

    “Bottom line: if we don’t fight them over here, we’ll just have to come back in a few years and still fight them over here.”




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  • Recent Comments

    • Rich Bauer said...

      1

      08/16/14 12:15 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      2

      It has been adapted for civilian use in Ferguson.

      08/16/14 12:19 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      3

      …[So] the police then if they have probable cause to stop, and a suspect resists arrests and threatens the officer, then — and this is hard for a lot of people to follow — but legally an officer can shoot and use deadly force on a fleeing felon…

      …if there was that initial [probable cause], then the stop is good. Once the stop is good, and if they then resist arrest and even threaten serious bodily arm, then an officer, yes, he can shoot a fleeing felon in the back as he’s trying to flee.
      It’s shocking to a lot of people, but the courts have ruled on this…

      08/16/14 1:34 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      4

      In the case of State Department’s DS Flying Monkeys, a loaded clown barhopping on the town with a loaded gun can shoot someone in the face if he objects to “wanting to get shot.”

      08/16/14 1:37 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...

      5

      “Great satire. But this is better:”

      Holy shit Rich..where did you find that? OMG. Thanks

      Great satire indeed. I mean..Peters.

      Rich said:
      “..then an officer, yes, he can shoot a fleeing felon in the back as he’s trying to flee.
      It’s shocking to a lot of people, but the courts have ruled on this…”quote

      Speaking of court rulings..get a load of this one…

      https://www.techdirt.com/articles/20140731/13243828075/connecticut-supreme-court-says-state-cops-can-detain-you-simply-being-vicinity-someone-theyre-arresting.shtml

      Unbelievable what these assholes are doing.

      And btw..if you ever have an “encounter” with a Fed agent..don’t flinch a muscle. They can legally kill you for so much as batting an eye if they so desire.

      https://www.saveamericafoundation.com/2013/06/23/how-to-avoid-being-killed-by-federal-law-enforcement-agents-by-an-oath-keeper-inside-a-federal-law-enforcement-agency/

      Btw Peter…ain’t you left yet?

      08/16/14 2:32 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...

      6

      Rich Bauer said…

      “In the case of State Department’s DS Flying Monkeys…..”

      Hey Rich..any news on that fucking murderer?

      08/16/14 2:42 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...

      7

      Rich Bauer said…
      “It has been adapted for civilian use in Ferguson.”

      Yeah, and here’s the living proof. If this unprovoked attack on American civilians peacefully protesting, isn’t the living definition of “terrorism” I don’t know what is then. These motherfucking cops need prosecuted. This is unbelievable. What’s worse, is this is what the MSM called..a riot. We know now, EXACTLY what our government is…and is not.
      http://www.examiner.com/article/government-monopoly-on-force-as-demanded-by-csgv-on-display-ferguson-mo

      08/16/14 5:54 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...

      8

      bwt..there is no way to satirize this. It’s beyond satire now. This country is heading towards civil war at light speed, if this shit doesn’t stop.

      08/16/14 5:56 PM | Comment Link

    • Helen Marshall said...

      9

      You demoted ole General Turgidson! Or is this his grandson?

      08/16/14 9:41 PM | Comment Link

    • wemeantwell said...

      10

      We have a winner– you caught the reference Helen!

      08/16/14 9:49 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      11

      “Hey Rich..any news on that fucking murderer?”

      My cousin Paul says Dirty Deedy will be teaching new DS agents on the fine art of beating drunken murder charges: first, lie out your ass and refuse to take a breath-anal-lie test; second, lie that you never initiated the confrontation; third, lie that you felt your life was in danger when you were the one holding the gun. Helps that the prosecutor has little experience in trial cases, preferably limited to medical malpractice. Also, do not shoot black people , as these natives get bat-shit crazy about this type of shit.

      08/17/14 12:03 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      12

      From Teri’s Blog: The Enemy is is US

      “It does seem true that failure of the police to measure Deedy’s blood alcohol content (BAC), if that failure occurred, might prove problematic to this case, more particularly to the criminal case, less so to the civil case.

      Such omission would startle the Court, as all indicators pointed to the drink/drug factor as being of material interest. Refusing a breathalyzer test, as Deedy reportedly did at the scene, is not a problem so long as the BAC test is run upon arrest, which (running a BAC) is, as others have pointed out, standard procedure when any LEO is involved in a shooting. It is possible, I guess, that a test was taken and then simply buried as a favor to State Dept., CIA, FBI, or Mercenaries ’R Us, whatever. But, despite there being no admission by anyone, neither police, court, nor attorneys, to date, I still think the most likely scenario is that a BAC test actually was taken and is simply not being released nor opened for discussion prior to trial.

      If no BAC test was run, however, that could easily prove problematic for the Honolulu Police Department (HPD) as well. If a test was warranted but erroneously waived or omitted, that is, and the criminal case and/or the civil case against the defendant is harmed by its (BAC) absence, the HPD has opened itself to civil liability, and it (HPD) and specific officers may be sued directly by a “party with standing”, i.e., by the Elderts family.

      That a test was warranted is irrefutable, as is clearly indicated by the immediate testimony of various eyewitnesses and interviews by police at the scene (at least three witnesses gave some version of “[Deedy] appeared very intoxicated” or reported “seeing [Deedy] drinking at another bar earlier”). More damning, HPD officers themselves noted for the arrest report that: “Deedy had red, glassy eyes and slurred speech” and “was involved in an earlier altercation at another bar”, etc.

      So the HPD knew, irrefutably, that drinking by Deedy was a clearly indicated factor, making the running of a BAC on Deedy both warranted and maybe mandatory by HPD policy once an arrest was made. Any defense that Deedy was just doing his job will hinge probably to a large degree on the presumption of sobriety, a more than dubious presumption given the facts. We are quite sure that the Elderts family attorney is aware of this, and of HPD’s potential culpability.

      Do you know, Teri, what really bothers me most about this whole case, though? It’s not just that the calling out and killing of an unarmed man is at best loathsome and craven and was no doubt avoidable, nor the needless ambiguity over whether the defendant was drunk or sober, nor the unconscionable delay in bringing it to trial while the defendant roams free.

      It’s the larger picture that that this is not about Hawaii, or Deedy, or even this specific incident at all. It is about the mindset of an entire subspecies of the human race, the military, security forces, government agency personnel, contract mercenaries, and other thugs who carry guns for money and pride themselves on the use of deadly force. They truly feel they are above the rest and above the law, and that whatever they do must be interpreted from that perspective. They embrace the idea of pre-emptive war, first strike, occupation, and conducting murderous activities in countries with whom we are not at war. It is a fully non-empathetic and uncompromising sense of entitlement to voluntarily escalate any argument, take any position, make and enforce any order, and use firearms or other weapons to kill any person, armed or unarmed, man, woman, or child, militant or civilian whom they have decided, arbitrarily or not, to label “terrorist”, “unruly”, “disrespectful”, “suspicious”, “obstructive to our desires”, or “insurrectionist”. They do this everywhere in the world, in this country, that country, it doesn’t seem to matter.

      Of course, that they themselves are the global destroyers of peace, the terrorists, the producers of counter-terrorists, the security disrupters, the ones harming America, is completely lost on them. Denied without consideration of its obvious truth.

      The world we live in today has many armed, ignorant thugs willing to excuse each other for any crime, anytime, operating in a global stew of American imperialism supported by financial, political, industrial, and military oligarchs.

      So be careful of the flying monkeys. They are known to be neither reasonable nor cognitive, and can be especially dangerous when they are fearful or confused.”

      08/17/14 12:43 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      13

      All State DS Flying Monkeys should get ALLSTATE insurance:

      It turns out the insurance company who carries Deedy’s renter’s insurance on the Virginia house he and his wife live in, Allstate, has to cover the cost of his legal fees in the civil case being brought against him by the Elderts family.

      A federal judge in Virginia ruled that Deedy’s legal expenses in a wrongful death lawsuit pending against him here are covered by a renter’s insurance policy issued to Deedy and his wife in Arlington, VA in late 2010 by Allstate Insurance Co. Deedy made a claim against his Virginia renter’s insurance policy for coverage of his legal expenses in the lawsuit. In Virginia federal court, Allstate said it was not obligated to pay Deedy’s legal expenses. Virginia U.S. District Court Judge Anthony Trenga ruled for Deedy, holding that Allstate has “a duty to defend” him in the suit.

      08/17/14 12:56 PM | Comment Link

    • Jhoover said...

      14

      08/20/14 8:59 AM | Comment Link

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