• Satire: Israel Destroys Lincoln Tunnel, Shells New Jersey in “Self Defense”

    August 17, 2014

    Tags: , , ,
    Posted in: Embassy/State, Military

    Citing its inherent right to self-defense, an Israeli Defense Forces (IDF) spokesperson today announced his country had destroyed the Lincoln Tunnel, one of the main arteries connecting New Jersey with the island of Manhattan. Israeli forces also shelled New Jersey, causing additional hundreds of casualties.

    “With a ceasefire in place in Gaza while we reload for humanitarian purposes, we figured it was time to close off some other Hamas infiltration tunnels around the world. Our intelligence agents had long noted that many people who were either Indian or Arab or maybe Puerto Rican have been using the Lincoln Tunnel to travel from Jersey to New York City. We decided that to preserve the security of the Jewish State, we had no choice but to destroy the tunnel. That was that.”

    “As for shelling New Jersey, hell, we just felt sorry for them and wanted to put them out of their misery.”

    While steadfastly defending Israel’s right to self-defense, Barack Obama decried the loss of innocent lives. “It is always sad to wake up from my nap to hear some folks got whacked,” said the president, apparently referring to the 782 Americans killed as the Lincoln Tunnel collapsed into the waters of the Hudson River. “But let me be clear: Israel has a right to defend itself– wait, did I say that already? Whatever.”

    Secretary of State John Kerry was equally clear on America’s position. “Israel has an absolute right to defend itself, even though crappy places like Gaza, Russia, Venezuela and Iran do not. That said, the president has asked me to begin work on an immediate ceasefire in the United States. I have called Israel about this, but it went to voicemail and apparently they are not accepting texts. I have thus instructed my staff to friend them on Facebook and open channels of communication that way.”

    Kerry later that day vetoed a motion in the United Nation condemning Israel for attacking his own country, claiming “All the facts are not yet in.”

    “We also had Vanuatu voting with us in support of Israel’s right of self-defense,” beamed Kerry, explaining the U.S. offered the tiny island $4 trillion in aid for its support, “but at the last minute they had this really important thing come up and didn’t vote.”

    On background, the IDF spokesperson explained that even though it is common knowledge that the Lincoln Tunnel was opened in 1932, well before either Israel or Hamas even existed, Israel “just does not believe that, knowing how Hamas twists the truth.” Instead, he continued, “we are certain Hamas opened the tunnel solely for the purpose of taking innocent lives, and so for the safety of so many, we regretfully were forced to intercede.”

    “These people are freaking nuts,” retorted a Hamas media flack. “We’re buried under rubble here in Gaza drinking our own urine to survive, and those madmen think we built the Lincoln Tunnel? Oh wait, and let me guess, the Americans claim it was all part of Israel’s right to self defense, right? Don’t they even have a new excuse? Try the same line on your wife when you come in late five nights in a row and let me know how that works out for you. Excuse me now, I have to bury my child.”

    The IDF plans to take most of the weekend off. “That’s not say we won’t rocket an orphanage or two, but generally speaking we’ve accomplished what we set out to do. Also, none of this is like the Holocaust in any way, so stop that stuff. Are you anti-Semitic?” said the spokesperson.

    “Look, hate us if you want to, but if we don’t fight them over there, we’ll just have to fight them here,” concluded the IDF spokesperson.



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  • Recent Comments

    • Kyzl Orda said...

      1

      ..or can scratch out the Lincoln Tunnel and substitute “USS Liberty”

      08/17/14 1:42 PM | Comment Link

    • Kyzl Orda said...

      2

      There is no better sign of policy impotency than bombing civilians.

      Of course, enabling Hamas to start up and expand because it was believed to be a counter to Yasser Arafat at the time is possibly one of the dumbest policy decisions. Yes, it worked, but how is that working out now??

      “Villager: An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth!
      Tevye: Very good. That way the whole world will be blind and toothless…” (from Sholom Aleichem’s film)

      08/17/14 2:07 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...

      3

      quote“As for shelling New Jersey, hell, we just felt sorry for them and wanted to put them out of their misery.”unquote

      Holy mother of Mercy. I guess the IDF isn’t completely insane. The big question is..did they get Christy? DOH! haha, how can you miss a target the size of New Jersey? nevermind.

      On a related note, Cheney remarked..”damn, I told that dumbass Bush we shoulda done it on 9/11. Now we’ll have to reimburse Israel for it.”

      Meanwhile, in light of her recent pro-Israel stance, Hillary cancels her book tour through New Jersey, citing schedule “conflicts”.

      ya know, satire aside, if you hadn’t used the word in your title, I’ve got $5 that says half the DCOTP would swallow it hook line and sinker. HEY…now THERE’s an idea! How to stop AIPAC in one simple headline!

      DOH! On the other hand, the entire US might send Israel a huge congratulations. ummm, ..nevermind.

      08/17/14 4:12 PM | Comment Link

    • Abdul Khan said...

      4

      We are fighting for Israel.In future Israel will destroy whole Palestanian population and built grearter Israel.

      08/18/14 12:08 AM | Comment Link

    • jim hruska said...

      5

      Israel will always “have to fight them here (in Israel)”, quite unlike the situation facing the U.S.

      I can never understand the solid and unwavering anti-Israeli sentiment of the Left. Until one has lived in Israel, one cannot understand the dynamic. It is always easy for the liberals to lampoon Israel in their united front to ally with the underdog — any underdog.

      Peter, IMHO you are so much better than to produce such rough out to feed the slavering masses; you are the guy who wields the rapier, not the sledgehammer.

      08/18/14 3:01 PM | Comment Link

    • jim hruska said...

      6

      (The previous comment was from “Lisa”, not Jim. I couldn’t see how to remove it.)

      We are using a shared computer at this moment.

      Apologies.

      08/18/14 3:03 PM | Comment Link

    • Kyzl Orda said...

      7

      Well, I lived in Israel previously. You can also google and find statements by ex Mossad agents themselves on how it was policy to allow Hamas room to challenge Arafat and the PA. It’s hard to resist miscategorizing things as a leftist or liberal issue, sure, but reality is often more complicated and utterly different. Neither is the USS Liberty incident a leftist fantasy — it occurred.

      08/19/14 1:23 AM | Comment Link

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