• Satire: Interview with Obama’s Nobel Prize Statue

    August 25, 2014

    Tags: ,
    Posted in: Afghanistan, Iran, Iraq, Libya, Military, Syria, Yemen

    Famously, the Nobel Committee in 2009 awarded its prestigious Peace Prize to President Barack Obama.

    The 2009 Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to Obama for his “extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples.” The Norwegian Nobel Committee, in announcing the award, cited Obama’s promotion of nuclear nonproliferation and a “new climate” in international relations, especially in reaching out to the Muslim world.

    In an exclusive interview, for the first time ever the actual Peace Prize, a large, coin-like object, speaks out.

    “At first, it was an amazing time. Like the Committee, I too was all caught up in hope and change. Sure, some cynics said from the beginning that Obama just got awarded me because he wasn’t George Bush, but that just wasn’t what it felt like, honestly. We all believed. The man took me into his home and at first displayed me on his mantel in his private office. It was the same office Clinton got busy with Monica in, so I was on hallowed ground. Really, it was hashtag Proud. At the same time, Obama had his kids’ pictures on the same mantel, which felt cool at first then became kinda creepy. I should have taken the hint. I guess I was in love, and love can make you naive.”

    “Looking back, I can almost pinpoint the moment things started to fall apart. At first Barack would come in to the office, alone, and just look at me. One night, very late and after a well-deserved Scotch or two, he said to me ‘I don’t have a birth certificate, but I’ve got you my Peace Prize.’ I never felt closer to him. Then after he dropped his college transcripts behind the file cabinet and was trying to fish them out to shred, he came upon a Post-It note George Bush left behind. It read ‘They’ll believe anything, just do whatever the hell you want.’ The next day he turned me toward the wall, and a few days after that he shoved me into the junk drawer of his desk.”

    “Bang, on December 1, less than two months after getting me, Barack announces he is surging 30,000 troops into Afghanistan. He even used that filthy word, surge, whereas a real man would just call it an escalation and take the heat. I still wanted to believe, so I rationalized it as something he had to hold his nose and do to clean up that mess Bush started, but looking back I now wonder how I could have been that stupid. I guess I wasn’t alone in that, but shut away in the dark drawer, I felt I could only blame myself. Sure I was being mistreated, but I somehow felt it must have been something I had done, you know, somehow my fault. If only I had been more supportive, maybe a little warmer to him after those hard days he had. I knew about Michelle, and of course knew he’d never leave her, but still.”

    “Once Barack had taken that first step, the rest just tumbled out. Drone strikes everywhere, then Libya, denying the Arab Spring, Special Ops all over Africa, whatever happened between him and Putin that one crazy weekend to ruin things, Syria, Ukraine, it just went on and on. Sometimes he’d open the drawer for a stapler or something and I’d swear his eyes were glowing bright red in the dark.”

    “But the real end for us was Iraq. Barack got elected on the fact that he was one of a very few Senators who voted against that awful war, and beat Hillary using that against her own yes vote for Iraq. He took some heat in 2011 for the pull out of the last troops from Iraq but stuck it out. So you can imagine how I felt when he announced 300 advisors being sent in, then unlimited months of air strikes, then more advisors, then whatever that Yazidi thing was, and on and on. Now the U.S. is back in Iraq on another open-ended campaign that seems to have no goal, no endpoint, no definition of ‘victory.’ Meanwhile, we are still in Afghanistan and Gitmo is still an open sore. So where have we seen this movie before, right? I keep asking myself, is this 2014, or 2006?”

    “Anyway, I begged him to just let me go. I said he should give me away to Bono or Sean Penn, or just send me off to the Carter Foundation, but he said no, I was his and always would be. I even snuck out and called the Nobel Committee, but man, if you could hear a shrug over the phone that described it.”



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  • Recent Comments

    • Rich Bauer said...

      1

      “A Post-It note George Bush left behind. It read ‘They’ll believe anything, just do whatever the hell you want.”

      My God, Bush, you ARE a freaking genius.

      http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2014/08/25/iraq-needs-neighbors-to-help-defeat-isis-militants/14557355/

      08/25/14 3:11 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      2

      Who would have guessed the ONION writers are writing headlines for USA Today.

      08/25/14 3:14 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      3

      This gave it away – “ABOARD A MILITARY AIRCRAFT.”

      08/25/14 3:19 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      4

      Most “reporters” today just assume this dateline when taking dick-tation from high officials: “On my knees in a public toilet.”

      08/25/14 3:21 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      5

      Twelve years without a strategy has worked out just fine for our military. Speaking of military strategy:

      “According to multiple military sources, a notice has been circulated to units within the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marine Corps warning staff that they are prohibited from reading stories published by The Intercept on the grounds that they may contain classified information. The ban appears to apply to all employees — including those with top-secret security clearance — and is aimed at preventing classified information from being viewed on unclassified computer networks, even if it is freely available on the internet. Similar military-wide bans have been directed against news outlets in the past after leaks of classified information.”

      08/25/14 3:42 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...

      6

      quote:”I even snuck out and called the Nobel Committee, but man, if you could hear a shrug over the phone that described it.”unquote

      “That’s when I said fuckit. I’m done with him. I’m going to start cheating. I know there’s someone who deserves me. Someone who really cares. Someone who really wants Peace. Someone who..wait..wait..I hear him coming. Arrrrrggggggggrrrrrrr! If there’s anything I hate is him coming home and caressing me while saying..’If they only fucking knew…hahahaha!’. God, I think I’m gonna puke every time he touches me.”

      08/25/14 4:05 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...

      7

      Meanwhile, I’ve finally re-calibrated the CONTEMPT-O-METER.

      Obama reading..

      http://httpics.com/Ricks%20Pictures/Civil/CONTEMPT_O_METER.jpg

      08/25/14 9:19 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...

      8

      Just when I thought NSA couldn’t go beyond their previous reading, again, they force me to recalibrate my contempt for THEM..

      https://firstlook.org/theintercept/

      http://httpics.com/Ricks%20Pictures/Civil/CONTEMPT_O_METER.jpg

      08/26/14 1:02 AM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...

      9

      ps, I lost Obama’s reading due to NSA recalibration

      08/26/14 1:03 AM | Comment Link

    • John Poole said...

      10

      Pitch- despise not dispise.

      08/26/14 10:31 PM | Comment Link

    • Jhoover said...

      11

      So you can imagine how I felt when he announced 300 advisors being sent in, then unlimited months of air strikes, then more advisors, then whatever that Yazidi thing was, and on and on. Now the U.S. is back in Iraq

      Ok, what the secret behind the “Israeli “drone downed near Baghdad International airport, which US embassy staff rush to the place of the wreckage and band nay Iraqi military/security forces to enter the area, then the wreckage of Israeli Drone taken by US advisors?

      نخيل-مفاجأة من العيار الثقيل، فجّرتها مجموعة خاصة استطاعت اسقاط طائرة اسرائيلية من دون طيار في محيط مطار بغداد الدولي, فقد استطاعت صحيفة “المراقب العراقي” الحصول على معلومات حصرية حول هذه العملية وصورة للطائرة تثبت مشاركة مخابرات الكيان الإسرائيلي بالاشراف على عصابات داعش وتزويدها بالمعلومات الدقيقة من خلال عمليات التجسس اليومية التي تقوم بها وحدات خاصة تعمل داخل الأراضي العراقية بالتنسيق مع جهات وشخصيات عراقية وعربية وامريكية.
      هذا وقد أفاد المصدر الذي زوّد الصحيفة بهذه المعلومات بان السفارة الامريكية عملت بشتى الوسائل على استعادة هذه الطائرة حتى لا تفتضح أسرارها وبالفعل ونتيجة تواطؤ بعض الجهات العاملة في الأجهزة الأمنية تم تسليم الطائرة الى السفارة الأمريكية بشكل غامض.
      وأضاف المصدر ان المجموعة الخاصة استطاعت الوصول الى معلومات الطائرة والجهات التي تشرف عليها والجهات التي تستفيد من معلوماتها, ولخطورة هذه المعلومات وارتباطها بمخطط مهاجمة مدينة بغداد وتهديد حركة الطيران من خلال السيطرة على مطار بغداد, وكشف الخلايا المرتبطة بالكيان الاسرائيلي أصرّت السفارة الامريكية على الحصول على هذه الطائرة.
      وحول هذا الموضوع كان للمراقب العراقي اتصال مع الخبير الأمني (محمد شهاب) قال فيه: لم يعد التنسيق العسكري والمعلوماتي خافياً بين أجهزة المخابرات الأمريكية والإسرائيلية وبين المجاميع المسلحة التي تتخذ مسميات مختلفة منها ما يعرف بـ (داعش) والتي تعمل على تهديد الأمن في العراق وسوريا وعموم المنطقة خدمة لمخطط تفكيك وتقسيم دول الشرق الأوسط الى دويلات طائفية وعرقية.

      http://www.nakhelnews.com/news/32892/%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%B1%20%D8%AA%D8%AD%D9%84%D9%8A%D9%82%20%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%B7%D8%A7%D8%A6%D8%B1%D8%A9%20%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%A6%D9%8A%D9%84%D9%8A%D8%A9%20%D8%AF%D9%88%D9%86%20%D8%B7%D9%8A%D8%A7%D8%B1

      08/30/14 8:49 AM | Comment Link

    • Jhoover said...

      12

      08/30/14 8:50 AM | Comment Link

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