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Satire: Everyone Hates America’s New Album
Sales figures prove what many already feared: worldwide acceptance of the United States’ new album, “We Will Bomb You, Because” has fallen through the floor.
“Dude, I grew up on the classic U.S. sound, you remember, democracy, equality, promotion of freedom. My favorite was ‘The Peace Corps,’ but ‘We Won’t Invade You This Month’ got me through some rough times in college. But this new stuff, meh,” said one long-time fan, sweeping aside his gray ponytail.
“We Will Bomb You, Because” opened big inside the United States, where the United States still enjoys a steady following. A recent track, “Who Cares What You Think, Featuring al Qaeda,” saw over one million downloads its first week alone. “The addition of al Qaeda to the tune pumped new life into an old franchise,” stated Rolling Stone in its review, “but subsequent attempts to roll in ISIS and Khorasan just did not work when al Qaeda balked at joining the U.S. in touring the new material. “Just isn’t the same,” said Stone. “America has gone to the well too many times with the same material. They’re just phoning this new wave of terror stuff in.”
When reached for comment, lead singer of the United States Barack Yeezus Obama remained hopeful. “Any time the group moves in a new direction, you risk losing some old time fans. We saw that just after we dropped the “NSA” album. But many times the old timers just give up and come to reluctantly accept what you are shoveling out, and of course new material also brings in new fans.”
“For example,” chimed in backup singer George The W Bush, “look at what happened with our seminal ‘It’s 9/11, Bitch’ multi-platinum work. Not only did we rope in millions and millions of fans worldwide, but after sales tapered off following the disastrous Iraq tour, our old fans sucked it up and started taking their shoes off at the airport without a complaint. We even spun off the mega-platinum group DHS from all that. And when a small group of former fans started making too many negative comments online, we just had them tortured and imprisoned indefinitely. Let’s see Beyonce do that.”
“And,” said Obama hopefully, “the recent tours in Yemen and Somalia have been huge successes. We have high hopes for Syria and the new material as well. We da’ bomb ya’all!”
The band also acknowledged the growing popularity of long-time rival group Iran, but shrugged off any notion that the United States would not continue to dominate the market in the long-run.
A spokesperson for the United States did quietly add that the group is not totally unaware of its falling image abroad. She hinted that the current tour will work in additional classic material, and a greatest hits collection will be out in time for Christmas. The United States plans also to donate a percentage of sales to the Wounded Warrior charity.
“You gotta give back,” said the spokesperson.
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Kyzl Orda said...
1“A spokesperson for the United States did quietly add that the group is not totally unaware of its falling image abroad. She hinted that the current tour will work in additional classic material, and a greatest hits collection will be out in time for Christmas…”
Wow, the rumor mill works fast. Fox and friends, who had a hard time turning their attention from the breasts of the UAE female fighter pilot, mentioned a list of Christmas classics that may be included in this upcoming album:
– I’ll NOT be Coming Home for Christmas
– Rudolph (Giuliani), the Red-Nosed Lobbyist for Security Industry
– I’M Dreaming of a White Christmas (Once Embassy Baghdad Trucks in Snow from the ‘Stans)
– I Saw Mommy and Santa Claus on the Roof of Embassy Baghdad …
– Happy Xmas, War is Just Getting Warmed Up
– Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas (and Stop Asking Questions)
– Baby, It’s Cold Outside (You Weren’t Really Expecting AID to Develop the Infrastructure, Were You…)
– Oh Little Town of Bethlehem, It’s Curfew Time
– Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow (Heroin TranZit Edition)
10/4/14 7:21 PM | Comment Link
Rich Bauer said...
2The song remains the same:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ntLsElbW9Xo
10/5/14 10:53 AM | Comment Link
bloodypitchfork said...
3Meanwhile, flack from their roadie team, the CIA, continues to headline stories of America’s Empire tour debauchery, while their security, the Secret Service, demonstrates why protecting out of control Empirical rock stars from overzealous fans is difficult, especially when intra-service jealousy squabbles between home and tour team turf privileges cause laughable security breaches to the dismay of America’s managers and the delight of the industry tabloids.
Although, industry insiders are praising the scale and depth of imagination of America’s concert stage designers, the DOD, as their latest tour includes a technological tour de’force encompassing vast scenes of quasi SHOCK & AWE destruction sets, quasi armed drones, helicopters and a host of thousands of extras, including heavily armed and costumed armies of insurgent terrorists, and the worlds largest projection screens depicting city sized backdrops of exploding buildings and carnage.
While the scale of the concert is beyond anything seen in the history of entertainment, the opening scene onstage of an empty desert sets the mood and emotional exploitation of the audience, as a real ISIS terrorist beheads a previously chosen audience member, to the opening chorus of America’s #1 hit, the stunning rendition of Bob Dylans Masters of War!
For 3 more hours, while broadcast live across the entire planet, a virtual war is staged across 5 square miles of concert venue, whereby the audience participates in bloody hand to hand combat with real insurgents, who have been personally selected by America’s promotional team, the State Department, who even established a new office of select Foreign Service veterans to secure the cooperation of insurgent candidates, travel and logistics coordination teams, and special Visa package creation.
All leading to the spectacular finale of America’s stage departure via a staged Special Forces rescue mission including 5 special Covert Opps helicoptors, while performing their latest soon to be released and predicted hit… MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!
Barnum and Baily’s Greatest Show on Earth has finally seen it’s match. Get your tickets now for a tour date near you. You won’t be disappointed, ..although, you might just get killed.
10/5/14 3:58 PM | Comment Link
Rich Bauer said...
4I know it’s almost Halloween but that Stone-cold killer photoshop was scarier than the one of Hillary’s “ALIEN” private parts.
Peter,
Check if DS has created a fake FACEBOOK account for you:
http://www.emptywheel.net/2014/10/07/a-good-reason-to-encrypt-your-iphone-to-prevent-dea-from-creating-a-fake-facebook-account/
10/7/14 3:00 PM | Comment Link
Rich Bauer said...
5If it’s perfectly legal for the Gov to fake it, then I guess it’s okay for everyone.
10/7/14 3:03 PM | Comment Link
Rich Bauer said...
6“A spokesperson for the United States did quietly add that the group is not totally unaware of its falling image abroad.”
The US album should be titled, “Babylon, Crashed and Burned.”
10/7/14 4:29 PM | Comment Link