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Obama Orders Airstrikes on Ebola (Satire)
“The time has come to act,” said President Obama today after previously asserting robustly that it was previously not the time to act. “And so, I have ordered airstrikes commencing immediately on ebola. We won’t stop until we have degraded, some other d-word I forgot and ultimately destroyed ebola.”A White House source named Susan Rice, who asked not to be named because everytime she speaks on the record bad things happen to her, told members of the press Obama made the decision after conferring long into the night with his closest advisor, himself. “Barack told me that when times are tough you go with what you know, and for every crisis since near day one of this presidency, when something went wrong overseas our go-to response has been airstrikes. Libya, Iraq, Syria, wherever. OK, maybe not Benghazi. So, once we saw this piece last night on Colbert saying ebola was sort of a problem, the president ordered the attacks.”
“Not a big deal anymore really, we have an online form for it now he just fills out. Hit submit and boom, death from above b*itches! God I love it so!” said Ambassador Rice, drooling, as she was led from the room to be put down.
When asked how airstrikes would be able to defeat a virus, a White House spokesperson was quick to respond “Why’d you even ask that question– don’t you support the troops? We have been using airstrikes to defeat an idea, terrorism, and that’s worked out. I am told by experts– top men– that a virus is actually physically larger than an idea, so this should be a walk in the park for our brave military personnel.”
Other measures the president has undertaken include carpet bombing the city of Dallas, where America’s two indigenous ebola cases began. “At first I was kinda worried about dropping napalm on American folks,” said the president in an exclusive interview with New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman, who repeatedly licked the soles of the chief executive’s feet during the session. “But you know, pretty much no other folks outside Texas give a crap what happens to Texas folks, so it seems to have worked out. And it’s not like the state was going to vote Democrat anyway.” Obama pointed to his own eyes, then out the window, saying aloud “I’m watching you Missouri. Clean up that Ferguson thing or we just might find us some ebola in the ash tray of your car and have to clean it up with a couple of smart bombs, ya’ hear?”
Several doctors contacted for comment expressed skepticism about the president’s plan to bomb ebola, but admitted if they could not get their own professional health staff to wash their hands and stop getting on airplanes after caring for infected patients, well, why not try it his way.
Military leaders, reached in bunkers just outside Baghdad where they were placing bets on whether they would die next week at the hands of an ISIS assault or the Iraqi Army mishandling its own weapons, simply sighed and reminded this reporter that “when that ebola thing goes south like this stupid motherf*cker of a war will, don’t you blame us.”
The ebola virus was last seen dancing a merry jig, laughing to itself about how easy it was to draw the U.S. deeper into its quagmire. “Excellent, excellent,” it was heard to mutter.
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wemeantwell said...
1Hello to all. I have switched to a new hosting company for this web site, and so hopefully that will do away with all the “database connection errors” and other crap. I did lose a few of your comments in the process, as I had to take a snapshot at some point of the site content. I am sorry.
If you notice anything odd about the site, please let me know. It *seems* to be working fine from this side.
10/18/14 11:46 AM | Comment Link
Rich Bauer said...
2Sounds like a good idea for a movie…http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Outbreak_%28film%29
10/18/14 12:45 PM | Comment Link
Kyzl Orda said...
3This issue predates this admin, but it’s not like the current admin did anything to improve the situation — doesnt it seem odd after trillions of dollars investing in homeland security including on the health side — that all we have is 4 lousy centers to deal with such an illness??
The 4 centers are in Maryland (NIH), Nebraska, Georgia and Montana. And what’s the capacity of each bio-containment facility to treat patients? Tens of thousands? Hundreds?
Nebraska – up to 10 patients. Georgia – up to 2 patients. NIH – 4-7 patients. Montana – up to 2 patients.
While the hospitals are boasting how well-trained their staff is to deal with ebola, journalists who tried contacting the CDC to discern the number of beds available for ebola patients in the US, the CDC obfuscates:
“In a conversation with Mashable, a CDC spokesperson refused to confirm the total number of Ebola treatment beds at the specialized biocontainment units, despite much of this information being found online and from each individual hospital.
“… We have not released that information, and we can not confirm or deny that information,” the CDC spokesperson said. “Feel free to call each individual location to get that information, but the CDC has not put out that information and therefore we cannot comment on that information.”
I asked HHS once for a tally of respirators. Was told I couldn’t have because terrorists could somehow use it. #FOIA
— Josh Gerstein (@joshgerstein) October 16, 2014
From @FoxNews: “Is there any credible evidence that terrorists can use Ebola as a bio agent?” Comey: No. #ComeyCrypto #OffTopic
— Brookings Governance (@BrookingsGov) October 16, 2014..” (Quotes per the Mashable article)
The FBI has stated there is no threat of terrorists using ebola has a biological weapon. But the FBI seems to be more distracted by tech companies making it harder for the security agencies to be able to access our electronics. I hate to be a scare-mongerer, but again — all the taxpayer money we sacrificed, including to shore up our abilities to tackle biological misuse of these kind of illnesses, were for nought??
1.
http://mashable.com/2014/10/16/ebola-us-hospital-capacity/
2.
http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/10/14/us-hospitals-prepare-for-ebola/17221077/
10/18/14 1:18 PM | Comment Link
Kyzl Orda said...
4Let’s hope nothing happens to our fellow citizens who are not fortunate to live in walking, or crawling, distance of the bio-containment centers at NIH, Montana, Nebraska, or Georgia
10/18/14 1:22 PM | Comment Link
jo6pac said...
5Hello to all
Thanks
10/18/14 7:22 PM | Comment Link
wemeantwell said...
6Good evening.
10/18/14 10:50 PM | Comment Link
bloodypitchfork said...
7While satire may be warranted due to limited exposure, notwithstanding limited hospital containment and idiots running the CDC and Presidents who couldn’t find his ass with both hands and a mirror, there may be other things to consider…
http://www.weeklystandard.com/articles/six-reasons-panic_816387.html
While I’m not prone to panic, I subscribe to this..
http://www.murphys-laws.com/murphy/murphy-laws.html
Indeed, one corollary sticks out above all others..
“If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.”
Especially if the Federal Government is involved. I have $20 that says it will. Any takers?
10/19/14 5:27 PM | Comment Link
bloodypitchfork said...
8Cool. It’s working again. Seems faster too. Thanks Peter. There for a few days, things were really screwed up though. Couldn’t even open the site, let alone post a comment.
Unfortunately..now I have to install a new Harddrive. Totally crashed day before yesterday. Took 6 times this morning to boot up. Damn. I hate computers. 🙂
Fortunately, I finally got wise last year. Bought a new HD, and cloned my drive. Ready to go. Last time, took a month to get back up and running. At least I finally learned my lesson.
10/19/14 5:36 PM | Comment Link