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Republicans Welcome Ebola (Satire)
Giggling, the Chairperson of the Republican Party could barely contain himself when he learned a major hurricane was headed for the east coast of the United States. “Can anyone tell me if it’ll hit any blue states hard? We can always use some extra help I guess, but with ISIS and ebola, maybe that would be piling on. We live in great times.”
Documents show that the entire Republican midterm strategy is based on creating a perfect storm of fear in the U.S., combining over-reaction and panic over ISIS with growing fears of an apocalyptic ebola epidemic sweeping through the nation’s gun shows. “Friends,” the chair continued, “This could be like the election after Watergate, when the Dems could have run nearly anyone, even a nut job like Jimmy ‘James’ Carter, and won. We just need to tie Obama a little bit more directly to the ebola thing and we are in, control of the Senate.” The chair actually lit a comically large Cuban cigar at that point.
According to leaked documents left at a Chili’s by Edward Snowden while changing planes in Atlanta enroute from Moscow to a vacation villa outside Vladivostok, the initial Republican plan was to convince its base that ISIS operatives were everywhere. “The party must let every voter know that ISIS is dressed as terrifying clowns out there and plans to eat their dogs and behead their fat kids. That will be a money shot for November.”
But as confident as the Republicans were after encouraging Fox, then CNN and then Cartoon Network to run ISIS beheading videos 24/7 as part of the plan, even their senior leaders admit ebola was a surprise gift. “Think about it. Unlike terrorism, which has basically killed no one in the U.S. since 9/11 but still controls our daily lives, ebola is an actual thing. We don’t even have to make this one up. And, and this is the best part of all, it comes from Africa, er, you know, um, from “not white people” which speaks to our Red State voters’ most cherished beliefs. And two boneheaded nurses in Dallas can’t remember enough high school biology to even wash their hands, followed by the CDC– Obama’s CDC– telling one of them it was OK to fly. And then– praise Saint Reagan in heaven– she flew to Cleveland, in Ohio, a major contested state. It writes itself: Obama is trying to kill Ohio. Our guys are already ordering furniture for their new Senate office spaces.”
“More? Obama appoints some guy as ‘Ebola Czar” who has no medical experience. What, was Dr. Oz not taking calls? Yeppers, nothing inspires people to have faith in their leaders like choosing a bureaucrat they never heard of to save their very lives. And that bit about Secretary of State Kerry having to get involved in trying to get Belize to allow our ‘Ebola Cruise Ship’ permission to dock, and then failing? Right again, seeing old Mr. Muppet stumble makes our lives here in the Republican party easier and easier. That stuff screams incompetence. Heck, we should have carpet bombed Belize in retaliation.”
“Travel ban from Africa?” said the chairman. “Yeah, we talk a tough game but we’d be opposed to marshmallows and hot chocolate if the Democrats came out in favor. No, no, no, we don’t want a travel plan. Bring us a bunch of infected Liberians. If say a couple of thousand American get sick with the ebola, 99 percent of healthy America votes for us, fish in a barrel. Maybe we’ll get some redneck to hold a benefit concert or whatever.”
“Am I cynical? I don’t even know the meaning of that word. Fear is our best business tool, and friends, business is good. I’m seeing us ride this wave of paranoia and hysteria all the way!”
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Rich Bauer said...
1CNN is a greater threat to US than Ebola.
10/25/14 12:10 PM | Comment Link
Rich Bauer said...
2It’s not just the GOP. It’s US.
Psychological projection is a theory in psychology in which humans defend themselves against unpleasant impulses by denying their existence in themselves, while attributing them to others. For example, a person who is a terrorist may constantly accuse other people of being terrorists.
Item: A top State Department War Party official on Thursday said that bombing oil pipelines controlled by Islamic State (or ISIS) in Syria is now a “viable option” under consideration by the U.S. military. Julieta Valls Noyes, the US deputy assistant secretary for European and Eurasian Affairs, was in London and her comments were first reported by the British press. Citing figures that estimate ISIS is generating nearly $2 million every day by selling crude oil reserves it now controls, Noyes said that the U.S. may expand targeting of oil-related infrastructure inside Syria to include “kinetic strikes against some of the pipelines” and other “physical action to stop the flow.”
“Bombing oil pipelines to get at ISIS’s financing would be foolhardy… and provide anti-American groups anywhere in the world with a rationale for bombing pipelines on which we and our allies depend. The result could be global economic havoc.” —Michael T. Klare
“Bombing oil pipelines to get at ISIS’s financing would be a very foolhardy move,” Klare stated in an email. “First of all, it would be almost impossible to determine that the pipelines were carrying oil produced by oilfields under ISIS’s control, and second, there could be a considerable risk of civilian casualties from the resulting explosions. Bombing pipelines could also lead to massive oil spills and resulting environmental damage.”
In addition, he said, attacking pipelines in any manner “would provide terrorist groups anywhere in the world with a rationale for bombing pipelines on which we and our allies depend. The result could be global economic havoc.”
10/25/14 12:35 PM | Comment Link
Kyzl Orda said...
3Rich: “Psychological projection is a theory in psychology in which humans defend themselves against unpleasant impulses by denying their existence in themselves, while attributing them to others. For example, a person who is a terrorist may constantly accuse other people of being terrorists. ”
There was an interesting article in the UK Guardian, linked below, that gives an interesting and wild perspective on rightwing GOP-driven policies in the Middle East. They apparently clung/cling to the ‘divide-and-conquer’ theory, and the article goes on to draw some interesting parallels highlighting how the neo-con policy deliberately fostered sectarianism in Iraq and elsewhere. What struck me, I had not heard this before — were neo-con plans for redrawing Iraq and what they envisioned would happen to the central and southern regions if the country broke apart:
“Simultaneously, influential neoconservative US officials saw an opportunity here to pursue hair-brained ambitions to re-engineer the region through the de facto ethno-sectarian partition of Iraq into three autonomous cantons: a vision that could not be achieved without considerable covert violence.
According to US private intelligence firm Stratfor, Cheney and deputy defense secretary Paul Wolfowitz co-authored the scheme, under which the central and largest part of Iraq populated mostly by Sunnis (including Baghdad) would join with Jordan; the Kurdish region of northern and northwestern Iraq, including Mosul and the vast Kirkuk oilfields, would become its own autonomous state; and the Shi’a region in southwestern Iraq, including Basra, would make up the third canton, or would join with Kuwait.
Stratfor warned presciently that: “The new government’s attempts to establish control over all of Iraq may well lead to a civil war between Sunni, Shia and Kurdish ethnic groups… The fiercest fighting could be expected for control over the oil facilities” – exactly the scenario unfolding now. Fracturing the country along sectarian lines, however, “may give Washington several strategic advantages”…”
That’s the first I’ve heard of the notion that central Iraq would gravitate to Jordan and the Shi’a region to Kuwait. If that’s true, it’s another case of what Rich cited and their pounding more square pegs into round holes.
http://www.theguardian.com/environment/earth-insight/2014/jun/16/blowback-isis-iraq-manufactured-oil-addiction
10/25/14 3:00 PM | Comment Link
teri said...
4Yeah, the Ebola czar apparently said in some past interview that he thinks over-population is the pressing issue of the day. Sounds like just the guy for the job. Paul Craig Roberts believes the whole Ebola thing started when the US was doing human testing on variations of the virus followed by experimental vaccines in a few countries that still allowed human trials of this sort, and the virus escaped. He has a new article up on his website on the topic. [paulcraigroberts.org]
@ Rich re: bombing pipelines. Some fool is also suggesting we bomb refineries as well. Of course, all this “ISIS controlled” stuff just happens to be in Syria, which might lead one to wonder if the purpose might be to, well, bomb Syrian infrastructure and ruin its share in the oil market. And fuck with the Russian/Syrian oil deals. Of course, ISIS does not actually run any refineries nor do they control any wells. They seem to siphon oil off some pipelines, but I sincerely doubt the $1 to $3 mm a day shit, since that would imply that they have a massive operation in situ, with lots of personnel and trucks, etc . And in that case, we’d know where they were and shut them down. We aren’t doing that. At least two European countries and Turkey are buying oil from ISIS on the black market, and if we sincerely wanted to stop ISIS from making money off oil, we’d have sanctioned these countries awhile back. I don’t believe a word of the whole thing. Someone might be making money stealing oil from Syrian pipelines, but I think it is the CIA. Hell, I think ISIS is the CIA, because that is the only way to explain this whole stupid thing. (Guess they weren’t making enough selling heroin from Afghanistan.) The ISIS crisis gives the weapons industries a new source of income, as well, and is a temporary cover for the true state of the economy.
The stories about ISIS robbing major banks and making off with millions of dollars turned out to be utter false bullshit originating from Chalabi, who is now in consult with the US again. (He was the originator of the fake “yellow cake” stories in the run-up to the Iraq war.) Our State Dept. was pushing him as a candidate to take al Maliki’s place in Iraq for awhile there, but obviously passed him over for some other toady. And now we are supposed to believe that they are selling antiquities – gosh, where have I heard of someone looting museums and and making off with the antiquities before? – and that they “found” some major stockpiles of Saddam Hussein’s old chlorine gas – that we never found after 10 years of occupying and scouring the countryside – two days after some US military dude says Hussein really DID have chemical weapons stashed somewhere. Now ISIS is making chemical bombs out of this stash they conveniently “found”. For real! Never mind that you need a major Lockheed lab to weaponize the stuff and these ISIS guys live in tents in the desert….it’s all as preposterous as Colin Powell’s pictures of hillbilly pickup trucks in Arizona somewhere, which he claimed were jouncing around the Iraq desert and being utilized as mobile “weapons labs”.
This is major “Wag the Dog” shit here. And we are falling for it. And Dick Cheney, who is inexplicably not dead yet, although if there were a God in heaven, the man would have long since been burning in the pits of hell, or in jail, where he would be if the US wasn’t run by the craven and corrupt lot we have in power, is making the talk show circuit opining on matters.
Shit is fucked up and bullshit.
10/26/14 8:42 AM | Comment Link
teri said...
5Wow, they are already changing the story on the chemical weapons; now the WaPo is claiming that ISIS got some chemical supplies from Syria and implying that Assad intentionally let ISIS get ahold of the stuff. So Assad must go. I thought it was verified that all of Assad’s chemical stockpiles were destroyed last year, but whatever.
10/26/14 10:10 AM | Comment Link
bloodypitchfork said...
6quote: “I thought it was verified that all of Assad’s chemical stockpiles were destroyed last year, but whatever.”unquote
Yeah, and I was taught we had a Constitution that was the supreme law of the land. Dumb me. But whatever.
Meanwhile, the truth comes out…
http://theheartofbigbrother.wordpress.com/2014/09/20/part-2-what-modern-threats-does-the-u-s-constitution-face/
10/27/14 12:20 PM | Comment Link