• Christmas in the White House Basement

    December 24, 2014

    Tags: , ,
    Posted in: Democracy, Post-Constitution America


    Hold the fat bastard down!

    Answer me punk! Is it true that you give toys to every child in the world? Even the ones whose moms and dads are terrorists?

    Hah, that’s material support. Hit him with the electric shock.

    Do you refuse to hand over the naughty or nice list for us to use in drone targeting? Tell me, do it now!

    He won’t answer. Let’s anally feed him again.

    My turn, my turn.

    No, you did it last time.

    Alfreda! Cheney! Stop fighting. Look at his jolly, round belly like bowl full of jelly. He’ll need plenty of anal feedings. There’ll be time for everyone.

    I wanna use the candy cane on him.

    No, no, chestnuts!

    Alright, if you won’t cooperate old St. Nick, we’re going to rape a loved one in front of you. That should loosen your tongue. Bring in Rudolph.

    Cheney, get off the damn reindeer. We’re only threatening to do that this year.

    Damn reindeer was asking for it. Lookit the way she prances around with that saucy red nose.

    Now old man, we’ll shave off your beard. I think that offends his North Pole religion.

    And blast him with the music. No, no, not more Nine Inch Nails. Hit him with the ten minute Christmas song loop they play over and over while you’re in line for 40 minutes at Walmart.

    Hey, who wants egg nog?

    Feinstein, you came! We invited you again this year of course, but I never expected you to show up after everyone caught you with Brennan in the supply closet. I bet that hurt. It is good to see that whatever the CIA does to you, you are never fully humiliated.

    Well, it is the season to be jolly.

    So, everyone, gather round, Barack is about to waterboard Santa.

    Aw, he always gets to do that first.

    Now, now, boys, you all know you’re not spending this Christmas in jail because of Barack, so show some respect. Anyway, we’ll move the mistletoe over the waterboarding table and everyone will get a chance to torture Santa. Sheik Khalid Mohammed was waterboarded 183 times before he was made insane for freedom, so Santa will be screaming with us for a long time.

    After that, can we watch the tapes again? Please?

    Well, OK, Condi, one more time. Uncle Jose brought his own copies of the torture tapes again this year —

    You said the T word, you said the T word! Five dollars into the jar.

    Ugh, OK. Anyway, Uncle Jose brought the, er, enhanced interrogation tapes for us all to enjoy — really, Jose, you shouldn’t have — but after that, it is right to bed for everyone. We have to render Santa all around the world, to every country that tortures so they can all have a “crack” at the bastard, in just one night. Even with an early start, that takes some Christmas magic!

    Hey, wasn’t Jesus tortured to death in a way?

    You’re right, He was. Why, we’re putting the Christ right back into Christmas!

    God bless torturers and those who support them, everyone!

    Honey, I don’t know how you do it, but every year it just gets better.

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  • Recent Comments

    • Rich Bauer said...


      The NSA is keeping a list, gonna find out who’s naughty and nice.

      12/24/14 1:40 PM | Comment Link

    • bloodypitchfork said...


      (Eric Holder rushing into the room)

      wait! wait! Hold your horses! No stupid, not the one between your legs. Sheeezus..you fucks never change.

      Haven’t you heard the news? Man am I glad I stopped you from tor-…oops..haha..almost lost $5…where was I? Oh, yeah..glad I stopped you from EIT’ing this fat fuck. Look, we’ve got a problem. I know..I know.. you thought ya’ll were covered by the Investigation into To-…damn, almost said it again. You know, when the Investigator General declined to prosecute..right? Un unh. We got trouble abrewing. I just got a letter from those shit head Civil liberty groups calling for..gulp..ANOTHER investigation!! Fuck. Now that the tor-…shit! Now that the senate “EID” report is out..fuck.. we got trouble. Sheeezus. If that were’nt enough..just think what would happen if they found out you tort-…DAMMIT! ..you EIT’d Santa?? Crap…the entire planet would hang you fucks in a new york second!! Tell ya what. Let him up.

      Ok St. Nick..I’m gonna give you a chance to resume your fucking Christmas shit. Here’s the deal. You promise not to mention this unfortunate little insident..and I’ll promise not to vaporize your ass with a Drone…ok? Ok. Alright..grab your bag and get your ass outta here..pronto.

      As for the rest of you fucks. I suggest you start getting your affairs in order..cause it looks like things are getting hot. This thing is looking pretty bad now. After all..that stupid schmuck Brennan has really fucked up things. Sheezus..I should have prosecuted that fucking Feinsteins staff when I had the chance. Hindsight sucks. Ok..well, I gotta blast outta here before the shit starts hitting the fan. Just remember one thing… either we keep our lies together or we’ll hang together..comprende? Now get the fuck outta here before some fucking journalist discovers your goddamned attempt to torture..GAK..I said it. fuck. $5 down the drain. sheeezus. You and your fucking jar. I’m outta here.


      12/24/14 4:23 PM | Comment Link

    • bloodypitchfork said...


      ps..I got $5 that says there’s some people at CIA/DOJ who’re getting a little nervous at the moment.

      bartender..give me a bottle of Chortle and a shot of ..wait..do me a favor. Send the DOJ a fifth of 100prf SQUIRM.

      12/24/14 4:36 PM | Comment Link

    • bloodypitchfork said...


      In respect of this night…

      On this holy night, given the reality of Revelations, and the current trajectory of the United States, I can only pray that sanity will prevail for a while longer so my grandchildren will learn to understand the grace of God. I wish a Merry Christmas and a happier New Year to you all.

      12/24/14 10:32 PM | Comment Link

    • Nic108 said...


      Saint Nic (I was born in a Mormon church so I can legitimately if dubiously call myself that) disapproves!

      12/25/14 4:35 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...


      Hong Kong police believe in Santa Claus

      A van belonging to a security company dropped three boxes of banknotes totaling 3.5m Euros. Police are appealing to the dozens of bystanders who pocketed the banknotes to return them saying failure to so was a “serious crime.”


      12/25/14 12:32 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...


      All I want for Christmas is for the CIA to go away…now…forever…


      12/26/14 2:05 PM | Comment Link

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