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Did You Know We Won the Afghan War This Weekend?
Winning wars used to be much cooler.But hey, did you know we won the war in Afghanistan this past weekend? Or, at least we ended the war in Afghanistan this weekend? It is true. America’s longest war, clocking in at more than 13 years, (fun fact: the U.S. involvement in WWII, when we defeated the Nazis and the Japanese, only lasted three and a half years), is over.
Live from HawaiiSeriously. While you were eating your Christmas roast beast, Your President was in Hawaii. From that forward deployment, Obama announced that “thanks to the extraordinary sacrifices of our men and women in uniform, our combat mission in Afghanistan is ending, and the longest war in American history is coming to a responsible conclusion… We are safer, and our nation is more secure, because of their service. [We] have helped the Afghan people reclaim their communities, take the lead for their own security, hold historic elections and complete the first democratic transfer of power in their country’s history.”
USA! USA! USA!Now, there is no journalism without fact-checking, so let’s dig in on the president’s statement. Afghanistan no longer is under threat from the Taliban, and all terrorism has been taken care of. Instead of an economy based on corruption, smuggling and opium production, Afghanistan is a thriving consumer society. Women walk the streets in mini-skirts, and elections happen without incident. An American can stroll among Kabul’s cafes and quaint bazaars with his head held high and his safety guaranteed by grateful Afghans. America and its allies’ investment of over 3,400 lives and four trillion dollars has paid off. Also, all the dead Afghans, whatever.
Oh, wait, none of that is true.
It Ain’t Over Until It’s OverAnd for a war that is over, the U.S. has over 10,000 troops stationed and still fighting in Afghanistan under a legacy defined as a “transition from a combat mission to a ‘noncombat mission in a combat environment’ with a definition that “remains as unclear as Afghanistan’s future.”
The Taliban have obviously not heard all the good news out of Hawaii. Taliban spokesman Zabihullah Mujahid characterized a hand-over event in Kabul as a “defeat ceremony” and added “We will fight until there is not one foreign soldier on Afghan soil and we have established an Islamic state.”
Despite such gloom, it is obvious that America’s accomplishments in Afghanistan rank alongside its accomplishments in Iraq.
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Rich Bauer said...
1“Thanks to the extraordinary sacrifices of our men and women in uniform, our combat mission in Afghanistan is ending, and the longest war in American history is coming to a responsible conclusion… We are safer, and our nation is more secure, because of their service. [We] have helped the Afghan people reclaim their communities, take the lead for their own security, hold historic elections and complete the first democratic transfer of power in their country’s history.”
Obama out-Nixoned Nixon:
“No event in American history is more misunderstood than the Vietnam War. It was misreported then, and it is misremembered now.” –
Richard M. Nixon
01/2/15 3:01 PM | Comment Link
bloodypitchfork said...
2quote”But hey, did you know we won the war in Afghanistan this past weekend?”unquote
War? What war? Where? WTFistan? Never heard of it. Now excuse me. I’ve got an appointment with a pizza and Netflix. Btw..don’t bother me anymore about some damn war. You must think I have all the time in the world. War. Sheeezus..who gives a fuck? Now..where was I?
01/2/15 3:07 PM | Comment Link
bloodypitchfork said...
3Speaking of parallel universes..I’ve got $5 that says the Tickertape parade in Times Square will be huge. After all..it’s not often Justin Berber visits NY.
01/2/15 3:20 PM | Comment Link
Rich Bauer said...
4It’s New Years resolution time, guys. Last year’s resolution worked out great for me — I’m in good shape…as long as I don’t exercise. Harry Reid should take my advice:
http://www.nbcnews.com/politics/first-read/harry-reid-suffers-broken-ribs-facial-bones-after-accident-while-n278441
My new New Year’s resolution: I cut the cable cord and don’t watch the crap that passes for news.
I’m also moving to South America. Relax, they got internet down there so the DS Flying Monkeys can’t get rid of me that easily.
01/2/15 3:54 PM | Comment Link
bloodypitchfork said...
5quote:It’s New Years resolution time, guys. Last year’s resolution worked out great for me —”unquote
Me too. I didn’t make any. But this year, I’m resolving to row row my boat.
quote”My new New Year’s resolution: I cut the cable cord and don’t watch the crap that passes for news.”unquote
I gave up watching so called “news” on the Teh Veh a long time ago. The day Chronkite retired.
quote”I’m also moving to South America.”unquote
Wow. You’re brave. Good luck Rich.
Although, I’m moving too… back to Oregon. Michigan sucks. Had my LAST run-in with Michigan redneck mofo’s day before yesterday. After humiliating a scumbag prick in front of me while in a grocery store check out line, -who was verbally assaulting the female clerk, he walked out of the store not saying a word to me. However, I could see him through the window, opening his trunk and grabbed a lug wrench and headed towards the front door. I walked out the door and told him if he even so much as raised it in a threatening manner..he’d be history. No sooner than the words came out, two Sherriff’s cars came screaming to a halt behind him, where they jumped out and pulled their weapons out and pointed them at the guy and ordered him to hit the ground. They arrested him and left. Apparently, he had a history of doing this around town, and was already on probation for assault. The clerk had immediately called the police when she saw he had a tire iron. The Sherriffs office was a block away. That was it for me here. Adios Michigan. That was the third time in a year I’ve had run-ins with these pricks. No more.
01/2/15 5:06 PM | Comment Link
Lisa said...
6And this is what generations hence shall read in history class:
We are safer, and our nation is more secure, because of their service. [We] have helped the Afghan people reclaim their communities, take the lead for their own security, hold historic elections and complete the first democratic transfer of power in their country’s history.”
Odes will be composed and songs will be sung. In the videos, the heroes will sit to the side in their wheelchairs, someone having stuck a little flag made in China in their hand.
Many voted for Obama because he talks good. They were impressed that he was at the Harvard Law Review. But attorneys are like that, folks — slicky boys.
01/2/15 5:51 PM | Comment Link
Rich Bauer said...
7Pitch,
Oregon…Michigan. Tough choice. You’re gonna miss the winters…and the scumbags.
Where I am moving everyday is the same – high 65F and low 45F.
01/2/15 6:51 PM | Comment Link
Lisa said...
8Bon voyage, Rich — sounds like a bit of Valhalla.
01/2/15 7:44 PM | Comment Link
bloodypitchfork said...
9Pitch,
quote”Oregon…Michigan. Tough choice. You’re gonna miss the winters…and the scumbags.”unquote
Like a hole in the head. Oregon winter, at least on the southern coast stays just about the same as where you are heading most of the time. As for these scumbag rednecks..they come in two types. Fat, stupid bubba’s dressed in camoflauge..and skinny stupid bubba’s dressed in god knows how long they’ve been wearing it. Posterchild’s for Deliverance. Women are mostly nice..men are mostly dickheads. And ugly one’s at that. In fact..I’ve never seen so many ugly fucking people in my entire life. If inbred were weather..this place would be a 5.9 hurricane. Ok..nuff said.
01/3/15 12:03 AM | Comment Link
bloodypitchfork said...
10Lisa said..”Odes will be composed and songs will be sung. In the videos, the heroes will sit to the side in their wheelchairs, someone having stuck a little flag made in China in their hand.”unquote
Oh my god. Perfect.. There’s a little town up the road called Scottville. I saw it on 4th of July. Unbelievable. The epitome of the DFCOTP. Flags on every porch. Half the town must be vet’s in wheelchairs..with little flags made in China. Weirdest place I’ve ever been. Sad, clueless people.
01/3/15 12:14 AM | Comment Link
bloodypitchfork said...
11omg..
“As the 21st century began, human evolution was at a turning point. Natural selection, the process by which the strongest, the smartest, the fastest, reproduced in greater numbers than the rest, a process which had once favored the noblest traits of man, now began to favor different traits.
Most science fiction of the day predicted a future that was more civilized and more intelligent. But as time went on, things seemed to be heading in the opposite direction. A dumbing down.
How did this happen? Evolution does not necessarily reward intelligence. With no natural predators to thin the herd, it began to simply reward those who reproduced the most, and left the intelligent to become an endangered species.”unquote
There you have it.
bartender.. a bottle of EndangeredSpecies and a a double shot of 100prf Darwin’s Epitaph.
01/3/15 1:02 AM | Comment Link
John Poole said...
12Lisa- yes most forgot Obama was a “lawyer”. They voted for him two times! If Warren is being prepped as a backup you can bet she is a total flake and a fake. The big parties always have another clever ruse up their sleeve. POTUS said, “Voters want that new car smell…” So what we voters want is just a newly manufactured model of the same type of vehicle we’ve been offered for decades.
Obama reveals his shallow self and threadbare ethos each time he speaks.
01/3/15 2:16 AM | Comment Link
teri said...
13Pop quiz.
Question one: How many presidents get to declare they won the war in Afghanistan?
Answer: It isn’t, and never was, a war; it was an invasion. Dismissing that technicality, however, the correct answer is two.
[True story: Back in ’09 or thereabouts, my daughter was taking an American History class in high school. The text book had been updated to include events through 2007, and we both read with puzzlement the final chapter in the book. One of George W. Bush’ greatest achievements while in office, the book read, was that he “won the war in Afghanistan”.
“Uh, yo Mom,” she said, “aren’t we still IN Afghanistan?”
She got an A on her final, but declared it invalid, since she was aware (if the teacher and textbook editors were not) that many of the “correct” answers were simply unadulterated bullshit.]
Question two: If we are leaving Afghanistan, why do we still have a named Pentagon operation there (the new operation is called “Operation Resolute Support”)?
Answer: Because we are not really leaving Afghanistan, silly rabbit. You misunderstand the word. Did we leave the Philippines? Did we leave Haiti? Vietnam? Iraq? Japan? Korea? Fuck, did we leave Germany? Of course not. That’s why we have a thousand military bases around the planet; we are nothing if not devoted to our commitments. The US never leaves ANYone. Being a Christian nation, the US does not believe in divorce. Once we have “entered” a country, we pledge our troth. Now this “entering” may take place (and usually does) via an invasion; i.e., rape. Nonetheless, we uphold our gentlemanly standards and “make an honest woman” of even the silly ones who are screeching “rape”. We are just that good and exceptional. We do tend to beat our “wives”, demand strict obedience, and ask them to perform peculiar acts contrary to their own natures, but leave them, we do not. We hope our “wives” will be successfully “impregnated” with US ideals of capitalism, social inequality, and consumerism. We do not allow “abortions” of the “fetuses”, we being such a Christian nation, remember, and the resulting offspring, no matter how grotesque, are all named “Democracy”.
In the case of Afghanistan, to uphold our pledge of forever and ever “marriage”, there will still be over 18,000 foreign troops (backed by the US) remaining, with about 10,600 of them being Americans, to “service” this recalcitrant “wife”. The US troops will be answerable to no one but the Pentagon’s JSOC, which answers to no one but the US president. So you see how devoted a “husband” Obama is. Plus, we are keeping over 20,000 contractors (mercenaries) in country, who will help “man” our 25 bases in Afghanistan. Free-range “ejaculation” of American might and leadership, as it were.
Question three: Will this be expensive?
Answer: Yes. The taxpayers will continue to pony up pretty much the same amount they have been for the past 13 years, according to the Pentagon. Wives are expensive to keep. What’s your point?
Question four: Then why do it?
Answer: It boosts GDP.
Question five: What’s GDP?
Answer: That is the measure of how much money the US as a whole spends on things like war, weapons manufacturing, utilities, housing, groceries, healthcare, and buying stocks in the weapons manufacturing corporations. The prices of these things always goes up, which is good, because we want a continually growing GDP. This reflects well on the country.
Question six: But, wait, that doesn’t sound so great. And aren’t we in debt? And why is it good to have a continually growing GDP in light of job losses, decreasing wages, and the fact that half of all Americans now depend on governmental assistance to scrape by? We are broke-ass broke now and higher GDP sounds like it just means higher debt, doesn’t it? Why would you do this to Americans?
Answer: This is called our “economy”. Don’t worry, it’s all under control. And when it isn’t, someone makes up new numbers. Americans are our first-born children, so you get extra-special attention and treats, like “No Child Left Behind”. What the hell did you think that meant, anyway?
Question seven: Can we put ourselves up for adoption?
Answer: No. Now shut up and go play quietly in your room with your toys. We just got you a new i-shit; run and see what all it does!
01/3/15 1:26 PM | Comment Link
Rich Bauer said...
14Teri,
What? The Matrix isn’t real?
http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2008/04/real-life-matrix
01/3/15 2:52 PM | Comment Link
Rich Bauer said...
15Of course, we won the war. It was reported on CNN, a real news outlet, as opposed to the Internet, which CNN tells US frequently is not a reliable news outlet. For example, according to the hacks at CNN, a real news outlet, the SONY hack was a cyber-terrorist attack on US, and “only on the Internet would you hear differently.”
NB: SONY is Japanese international conglomerate, whose name is a derivative of “make believe.”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sony
01/3/15 3:49 PM | Comment Link
Rich Bauer said...
16Pitch: “There’s a little town up the road called Scottville. I saw it on 4th of July. Unbelievable. The epitome of the DFCOTP. Flags on every porch. Half the town must be vet’s in wheelchairs..with little flags made in China. Weirdest place I’ve ever been. Sad, clueless people.”
Pitch,
We are all Scottville – sad, clueless people who are in denial and won’t realize the truth until it blows up in their face. See Sayreville.
01/3/15 5:09 PM | Comment Link
Rich Bauer said...
17http://www.wsj.com/articles/what-sayreville-teaches-us-about-high-school-locker-rooms-1415822743
Torture, corruption, the song remains the same: everybody knew and nobody did a damn thing to stop it.
01/3/15 5:13 PM | Comment Link
Rich Bauer said...
18It’s the Silence of the Lambs: here she is, Miss America
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qh5d1WU3XO8&oref=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Dqh5d1WU3XO8&has_verified=1
01/3/15 5:20 PM | Comment Link
Rich Bauer said...
19Pitch,
Michiguns seemss like a dream to me know.
Everything is bigger in Texass….including the scumbags
http://abcnews.go.com/US/questions-surround-highway-shoot-police/story?id=27967331
01/3/15 5:35 PM | Comment Link
teri said...
20Rich,
The Matrix is real. The information we are fed through it and by it are not, but it is real, alright.
Great link; thanks. Turse is one of the best – maybe THE best of the young’uns in journalism today.
01/3/15 5:56 PM | Comment Link
Lisa said...
21John P.,
Yes, “Obama reveals his shallow self and threadbare ethos each time he speaks”, and I fail to see how anyone can be wowed by the fustian nature of it all.
01/3/15 9:12 PM | Comment Link
Rich Bauer said...
22Michiguns and Texass are bad but not as bad as Oklahoma, where wearing a hoodie will get you thrown in jail:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/01/03/hoodie-oklahoma-bill_n_6410746.html
They are all quite MAD, you know.
01/3/15 10:23 PM | Comment Link