-
April 1: U.S. Declares Sharia Law
Claiming the change is a “one and done” strategy, everybody in the Government of the United States today declared that sharia law would now control most of Americans’ lives.
“When you think about it, we were basically already there,” said former State Department spokesdrone Jen Psaki, wearing a hijab as she briefed reporters in her new role as Iman of Total Bullsh*t. “This is really just a minor administrative change.”
Effective immediately, pretty much the laws of Indiana will now govern the other 49 states. Under a new interpretation of “religious freedom” as well as a novel application of the Second Amendment, white, straight, Christian Americans may stone to death anyone they do not like (aka, “infidels.”) “That’s right Believers,” continued Psaki, “you can legally now march down to the local gay bar, synagogue or that place the black guys hang out in the parking lot, and throw rocks at them until they are dead. In fact, it is kind of a new obligation of citizenship!”
“You may also smite them, or cause their garments to rend,” added Psaki.
States with the death penalty breathed a sigh of relief. “We were down to our last fifth of lethal drug cocktail here in Texas, and frankly, weren’t sure how we were gonna be able to execute the 10 or 12 completely innocent people of color we have now on death row. So this sharia law thing is a real life saver for us!” claimed one Texan prison warden whilst pleasuring himself at the thought.
The phrase “right to life” has also been reconfigured to mean “right to be a white person of the ‘right’ religion.” Initially many Republican lawmakers wanted to limit this to males, and in some cases, young, hairless males who are into “exploring,” but after the basic facts of life were explained to them, the Republicans reluctantly expanded partial rights to white women, as well as “a few hot Asian babes” at the insistence of Vice President Joe Biden.
In a last minute amendment to the “It’s Not Sharia Law, So You Don’t Need to Read This Whole Thing Before You Vote on It” bill that created sharia law in the U.S., Once-and-Future Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton was declared an honorary male for statistical purposes.
One part of sharia that will not be implemented in the United States is fasting. “Traditional sharia includes a lot of fasting,” said spokes-iman Psaki. “Obviously this will not work in America. Yes, we were lobbied hard by the fast food industry; and hey, if the Dunkin’ Donuts guys are listening, thanks for the Lard Lad cream-filled! But at the end of the day, America was not going to give up the obesity crown to the Russians. Some things are sacred.”
Reached while praying to the God of the Underworld and All Things UnHoly, Satan, President Barack Obama chuckled. “For years those boneheads have been calling me a Muslim when I actually worship the Dark Lord. And still none of them saw this sharia law sh*t coming! LMAO! I’m so outta here in about a year and a half, bitches.”
The new $20 bills, with Bill O’Reilly’s face on the front, should be entering circulation as you read this. Inshallah!
Copyright © 2020. All rights reserved. The views expressed here are solely those of the author(s) in their private capacity.
Recent Comments
Leave A Comment
Buy Peter’s Books on Amazon!
Rich Bauer said...
1Fool me once, shame…
Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s margins are down in matchups with possible 2016 Republican presidential candidates in three critical swing states, Florida, Ohio and Pennsylvania, and in no state do voters say she’s honest and trustworthy,
04/1/15 12:39 PM | Comment Link
bloodypitchfork said...
2Holy Shit.(pun intended)
ummm… this an April Fools day joke, right?
Hmmmm, well, if not, we can always let Texas secede, right?
I’ve got $25 that says there’s about a gazillion pissed off Texas bubba’s gearing up for some serious murican redblooded … well, you know.
To the schmuck in the video. ummm..WHICH SECT OF CHRISTIANITY WOULD YOU SUGGEST, eh halfwit?.
sheeezusHchrist DOH!(no pun intended).. Apparently this halfwit never heard of the a millennium of Roman Catholic persecution…or the Inquisition..
Or 1000 yrs of British Christianity sectarian flips by virtue of which Monarch was alive..
Or the last 100 years of fighting in Ireland..
The day our government usurps separation of Church and State is the day “I” start BEARING ARMS.
Now, about those $20 bills…
Bill O’Reilly. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
That’s funny.
04/1/15 2:12 PM | Comment Link
John Poole said...
3Bauer- are those statistics an April Fool’s prank?
04/1/15 2:25 PM | Comment Link
bloodypitchfork said...
4quote”Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s margins are down in matchups with possible 2016 Republican presidential candidates in three critical swing states, Florida, Ohio and
yeah, well get a load of this:
BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!
DIVORCE PAPERS WERE FILED IN NEW YORK TODAY ON BEHALF OF ONE H. CLINTON vs ONE WILLIAM CLINTON!!
Political pundits already claiming this the biggest political shakeup news since King Henry the 8th, and will ignite Clintons campaign possibility.
ut oh. crap.
04/1/15 6:14 PM | Comment Link
Rich Bauer said...
5http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/right-turn/wp/2015/03/31/hillary-clintons-poll-numbers-crumble/
04/1/15 8:39 PM | Comment Link
wemeantwell said...
6But see, here’s the hidden money shot:
“in no state do voters say she’s honest and trustworthy, but she still runs best overall of any candidate”
04/1/15 8:42 PM | Comment Link
starknakedtruth said...
7PVB…un-effing believable. Honestly, I’m convinced we are now trapped in a terrifying re-run of the Twilight Zone. Cue Rod Serling.
04/1/15 10:23 PM | Comment Link
bloodypitchfork said...
8starknakedtruth said…
“Honestly, I’m convinced we are now trapped in a terrifying re-run of the Twilight Zone.”
If CISA passes.. the Twilight Zone will look like a children’s cartoon. Cue Jim Garrison…
quote”Huey Long once said, “Fascism will come to America in the name of anti-fascism.” I’m afraid, based on my own experience, that fascism will come to America in the name of national security.”unquote
In the name of national security.
CISA is the living definition of FASCISM. Period.
https://firstlook.org/theintercept/2015/04/01/nsa-corporate-america-push-broad-cyber-surveillance-legislation/
Any questions?
04/2/15 10:21 AM | Comment Link
Bruce said...
9GRATE Reframe: ‘SpokesDrone’! But it’s IMAM … on second thought, in Gen PNACi’s (and Billary’s) case “She’s A MAN, Baby!”! In any case, it’ll save on sex-change operations, when they’re sent off to Loretto; like Chelsea … Manning, that is!!! April … well, You KNOW.
04/3/15 12:58 PM | Comment Link