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Pulling Out of Afghanistan: Coitus Invadus
It is widely reported that the U.S. would like to keep additional troops in Afghanistan past the previously announced withdrawal date. Secretary of Defense Carter is now in Afghanistan negotiating.
We listened in:
Afghanistan: Hey, thanks for the invasion and for staying these 14 years. It’s been fun and I hope we can still be friends and all…
Carter: We can invade anyone we want to you know, but hey, we picked you. You’re special to us and we want everyone to know that. Here, take this permanent base full of troops as a sign of our commitment.
Afghanistan: But that’s what you said to all the other countries you invaded! And even while you’re saying these nice things to us, you still have bases in Japan, Germany and Italy, and they’re like 70-years-old.
Carter: Sure, I have other… friends… but I have to keep those bases there for family reasons. You’re my new bestest friend. How about a base? Just one, a little one?
Afghanistan: But I saw on Facebook that you are flirting with Yemen and Syria and even Somalia. And don’t think I don’t know what you did in Sudan! And please, Iraq again? You guys broke up, “for forevers” Obama said on Instagram, and now look at you, back involved again. That bitch.
Carter: Hey, that’s not fair. Iraq is a just a friend with benefits. It doesn’t mean anything. I love you. Didn’t I promise you freedom and democracy in 2001? And then in 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014 and 2015? Besides, you were asking for it.
Afghanistan: You made a lot of promises, but I think you only like me for my big bases. You say nice things to me, but you really just want your hands on a base for when you are ready for Iran.
Carter: Aw, you know Iran and I are just good friends. I might fool around a bit with Syria, and yeah, Yemen looks pretty hot some days, but you’re the real one for me.
Afghanistan: OK, maybe you can have just one. But do you promise to pull out?
Carter: Of course baby. Would I lie to you?
Copyright © 2020. All rights reserved. The views expressed here are solely those of the author(s) in their private capacity.
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Rich Bauer said...
1Supreme Dickhead: Nocturnal Emission Accomplished.
04/27/15 7:51 AM | Comment Link
John Poole said...
2Carter- “If you agree to a huge American base we’ll let you continue with your poppy crop bonanza. Is that a deal? America’s war on drugs won’t impact you whatsoever. Hand’s off our base and we’ll be hands off your cash crop. Do we have a deal?”
04/27/15 6:03 PM | Comment Link
John Poole said...
3The Afghans will allow Carter to jack in a sack as long as he
ignores the lucrative drug crop. Ain’t war great?
04/27/15 8:25 PM | Comment Link
bloodypitchfork said...
4quote”And then in 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014 and 2015?”unquote
Amazing. General’s McArthur and Eisenhower would be kicking some ass in Congress. After all..they masterminded the defeat of the three worst tyrants on the planet in 4 years. And they were fighting SERIOUS army’s.
So..what is wrong with this picture? er..wait.. I forgot. Eisenhower warned us. We didn’t listen. Just like we didn’t listen Senator Church. Ok..I’ve figured it out. The Dumbest Country on the Planet is just plain fucking deaf.
04/28/15 5:43 AM | Comment Link
bloodypitchfork said...
5Speaking of “pulling out”…
Meanwhile, back here in our universe, a more SERIOUS enemy is about to change our way of life a gazillion times worse than any terrorist could possibly imagine. The population of the Ghosts of Tom Joad are about to exponentially explode.
http://www.newrepublic.com/article/121558/what-climate-change-doing-texas-cattle-ranch
This is going to make the Dust Bowl look like hiccup.
Moreover, Cargill makes the robber barons look like benevolent grandpa’s. Only worse.
quote”In a single morning, Cargill, the largest privately held company in the United States—one spot ahead of Koch Industries—with annual profits of approximately $2 billion, had put 2,400 people, roughly one out of every six adults in the city of Plainview, out of work without so much as an explanation.”unquote
Cargill..the posterchild of Capitalism.
bartender..let’s try a bottle of Tar&Feathers with a Guillotine chaser.
04/28/15 5:57 AM | Comment Link
bloodypitchfork said...
6ps.. I’ve got $25 that says that’s what you’ll pay for a one pound steak in a year. ..notwithstanding the price of a McDonalds burger. Not that I eat them mind you. Ha. I can’t afford steak as it is. And McDonalds? Haha. I stopped eating at McDonalds 15 years ago. Seriously though.
For those who still think Climate change isn’t real, wait till your food bill triples. As for those asswipes in Congress who are still in denial by virtue of their corporate benefactors..wait till your constituency is ready to drag you out of your granite palace and hang you from a lamppost. Picketty was naive. When people in the thousands start going hungry in this country.. they’ll make the French revolution look like a birthday party.
04/28/15 6:19 AM | Comment Link
Pulling Out of Afghanistan: Coitus Invadus | The Contrary Perspective said...
7[…] start our day with a little satire, courtesy of Peter Van Buren, whose site, WeMeantWell.com, is essential reading for anyone trying to understand the convoluted designs of U.S. foreign […]
04/28/15 7:17 AM | Comment Link