• Terrorist Sleeper Cell Crushed by Pay Day Loan Debt (Satire)

    May 26, 2015

    Tags: ,
    Posted in: #99Percent, Minimum Wage

    sleeper

    Islamic State (IS) announced that its primary terrorist sleeper cell in the United States has been crushed by payday loan debt. Homeland Security and the FBI, actively trying to convince several fourth graders to “make a terror club” so they could be arrested, were unavailable for comment.

    “It all began well enough,” said IS spokes-jihadi Abdullah. “We sent five brothers into the decadent hell of the United States with ten thousand dollars and some AK’s and rocket launchers.”

    “Sh*t started to go wrong from almost day one. It turns out 99 percent of Americans are much better armed, so right away they had to go to Walmart and pick up some assault rifles. Well, you know, you can’t just go into Walmart for one thing, and next you know, they laid out for Sam’s Club memberships and bought freaking patio furniture. We had them in a $20 a night motel with orders to keep a low profile and they show up with patio furniture.”

    “Next thing that happened was after I sent them out to buy some burner cellphones, you know, those cheap ones they could use once and then throw away. I don’t know what kind of salesperson they encountered at Best Buy, but next thing I know IS is on the hook for five iPhone6’s. Plus five year contracts. Plus those idiots bought the full maintenance plans. Oh, and get this — their contracts had limited data, so after a couple of 30 gig HD beheading video downloads, we were racking up overage charges.”

    “We had told the brothers to eat most meals at Chik-fil-A. We’d read online that the restaurant hated gays, independent women and most of the other tenets of Sharia, so that seemed safe. But next thing you know, two of the brothers are too fat for their suicide vests, and one now has diabetes. If he loses his foot like the doctor thinks, he can’t drive the suicide bomb van. Please.”

    “But the real killer was running out of funds. We lost thousands of dollars to ATM fees we did not anticipate, so we had some of the martyrs seek out part time work. Do you know it’s impossible to live on minimum wage in America? The best those dumbasses could do was work at the Dollar Store and Wendy’s, then their hours got cut. They had no choice but to turn to the payday loan shop in the same strip mall where they pawned the AK’s. It seemed like a good deal — money was deposited overnight to their checking account — but now we’re up to like 234 percent interest, and these two huge guys named Vito and Sal are knocking on the motel room door at 4 am demanding their money back.”

    “We just gave up. I have ordered the brothers to dismantle the sleeper cell. Now that we know what a useless, poor, rapacious society America is, thinking we can hasten its demise with a few terror acts is a joke. You people are doing it to yourselves.”




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  • Recent Comments

    • Bruce said...

      1

      But at + $200K per 卐ieg-pop, the Chitown Terrist sleeper-cell of Poppy BU卐H; the 0bama, Billary & Rahm EXPREϟϟ, ROLL$ On!

      05/26/15 9:23 AM | Comment Link

    • John Poole said...

      2

      Bruce- I suspect those $200K speaking engagements by the Clintons and their ilk are just part of the give and take within the swirling vortex of the 1%. No harm is done to regular folk who don’t attend such events. It’s not our (the proletariat) money.

      05/26/15 3:58 PM | Comment Link

    • John Poole said...

      3

      Well, we proletariats do pay taxes to fund welfare for the venal rich but those speaking engagements are purely an insider perk.

      05/26/15 4:22 PM | Comment Link

    • jo6pac said...

      4

      Thanks, I needed that LOL.

      05/26/15 6:41 PM | Comment Link

    • RICH BAUER said...

      5

      “Now that we know what a useless, poor, rapacious society America is, thinking we can hasten its demise with a few terror acts is a joke. You people are doing it to yourselves.”

      We lack the intelligence. Ex-spook spokesman Mike Morell –

      MORELL: As the briefer, my job is to carry CIA’s best information and best analysis to the president of the United States and make sure he understands it. My job is to not watch what they’re saying on TV and say —

      MATTHEWS: You think TV’s a joke?

      MORELL: What?

      MATTHEWS: You think it’s a joke that Cheney said that?

      MORELL: That’s not my job. That’s not my job.

      MATTHEWS: Did you know he did that?

      MORELL: No, I wasn’t paying attention, I was studying what was on my desk every morning.

      MATTHEWS: So you’re briefing the president on the reasons for war, they’re selling the war, using your stuff, saying you made that case when you didn’t. So they’re using your credibility to make the case for war dishonestly, as you just admitted.

      05/27/15 6:09 AM | Comment Link

    • RICH BAUER said...

      6

      You people are doing it to yourselves.

      http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/05/26/chicago-shootings-memorial-day_n_7445226.html

      Can you imagine the outrage if these people were killed by terrorists?

      05/27/15 6:14 AM | Comment Link

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