• To Hell with It, South to Double-Down on Slavery (Satire)

    June 27, 2015

    Tags: , ,
    Posted in: Democracy

    redneck-car


    Noting that it has been a really bad week for bigots, the South decided the only answer is to double-down.

    “In one lousy week, everyone is taking down the Confederate flag, gays can now get married and people — even the blacks — can buy that Obamacare. It has just not been a good one for us. I even heard Cracker Barrel and Waffle House are switching away from trans-fats,” said spokesbigot ‘Clem’ (who isn’t sure that’s his real name.)

    “So what do you do? You fight back! The South will rise again!” shouted a second spokesredneck, letting out both a loud fart and a rebel yell from the broken down barco-lounger on his dilapidated front porch he could not rise from due to weighing 300 pounds and thus having to dress in a large Hefty bag.

    “Fighting back” in this instance is taking the form of actual slavery.

    “While it didn’t work out in the long game with Africans, oh, excuse me, ‘African-Americans,’ we want to try it again with other white people. We intend to enslave each other, kind of top and bottom, or least that’s what I heard. Or maybe it was on the online; Jeb just bought him a new modem for the AOL. Anyway, we’ll preserve the great Southern heritage and culture of dehumanization, narrow-mindedness and hate the only way we can at the present time, with white slaves.”

    “There are some details. First, we’ll need to come up with some good racial slurs to refer to each other as. The lame Supreme Court took away our good ones, so that’s a big issue right up front. Next, there is finding enough whites to be the slaves. We have a bunch of the good old boys down here wanting to volunteer, but we are also looking overseas, maybe to one of those European countries with a debt problem, to see if we can harvest some there. We’d kind of like to stick to the traditional way of bringing the slaves in by old-timey ships. Might attract some tourists, too.”

    “As for our manly essences, we will still spill them in service to the Lord’s decree that we reproduce. But if the Supreme Court wants us to be ‘fair,’ well, nobody is gonna be allowed to get married. We’ll do it in line with our culture, the way it has always been done: with our animals, our cousins, and our slaves.”

    “The government thinks it can take away our freedom to take away other people’s freedom, but we intend to show them.”




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  • Recent Comments

    • John Poole said...

      1

      Is that a tattoo of Jesus and a cross on a neck chain of one fellow? If so, old time religion will be safely ensconced in the South perhaps forever.

      06/27/15 9:57 AM | Comment Link

    • bloodypitchfork said...

      2

      quote”To Hell with It, South to Double-Down on Slavery (Satire)”unquote

      Satire my ass.

      06/27/15 7:22 PM | Comment Link

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