• Hillary’s Server Arrested (Satire)

    September 4, 2015

    Tags: , ,
    Posted in: Post-Constitution America

    Drive-Post-Gateway

    In shocking news, Hillary Clinton’s server was arrested and is now in an FBI detention facility in an undisclosed location.

    After initial confusion that the “server” was the State Department political appointee moonlighting as Clinton’s sysadm, and later false reports that the “server” was actually a Mexican “intern” named Raoul hired by the former Secretary of State to paint her toenails and fetch her cool drinks at the tinkle of a small sterling silver bell, sources at the Justice Department clarified that the arrest was for the actual hardware itself.

    “I can confirm,” said a Department of Justice spokesperson, “that today at 4 am agents of the Federal Bureau of Investigation slapped the cuffs on a beige 1998 Gateway 486 computer box, running a Chinese bootleg copy of Windows 95. The hardware was arrested alongside a 2400 baud modem. The modem and 512k of the computer’s 640k worth of memory are fully cooperating with law enforcement to help us prosecute the PC itself. We are charging the PC with numerous violations of national security laws focused on wanton disregard for the protection of classified information and making repeated false statements to the public in an attempt to cover up those violations.”

    The very unusual development — arresting and charging an inanimate object instead of a person — came about only after Justice officials realized Hillary Clinton could never be arrested or prosecuted for any crime whatsoever due to her status as the Chosen One.

    “Look,” said one source now in the Witness Protection Program, “Hillary could murder another person on live TV, claim she was the victim of partisan politics and a smear campaign, and walk away. Look at the trail of bodies already behind her if you don’t believe me. Under those circumstances, you think we’re gonna get away popping her for some boring old emails about drone strikes? Jeez, the American people have been ignoring drone strikes and foreign affairs for a decade anyway.”

    “At the same time,” the official continued, “what was done here was so egregious, illegal and detrimental to the security of the United States that we felt we sorta had to do something. Especially after we hung Petraeus out to dry over much less. We first considered a really snarky Facebook post, and then The House of Clinton offered us up our choice of several staffers to arrest, but even we felt that was unfair. So, we arrested the computer itself.”

    Clinton herself had no comment other than to tell the inquiring reporter to “your family will be dead by nightfall.”




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  • Recent Comments

    • John Poole said...

      1

      I had a ’95 Hewlett Packard with a 50MHz clock. So I’m connected not only to Hillary but to Carli?
      The MSM is now Big Brother with the message- “Nobody but Hillary”. It might work since most citizens are running on about 2 mgs of RAM and have no intention of upgrading by becoming truly informed about Hillary’s corupt ethos.

      09/4/15 8:49 AM | Comment Link

    • John Poole said...

      2

      Biden says he’ll run if he has the emotional energy. That’s a great way to get people excited about your enthusiasm to serve. Say, you are just emotionally spent now but might feel “better” eventually. “Hey Beau, I’m plain puckered out so I’ll pass for now on your suggestion I give a final shot at POTUS. So it looks like it is Hillary all the way.

      09/4/15 10:01 AM | Comment Link

    • bloodypitchfork said...

      3

      quote”We first considered a really snarky Facebook post, and then The House of Clinton offered us up our choice of several staffers to arrest, but even we felt that was unfair”unquote

      Ha! Greatest satire EVAH!! Although, given the laughable Patraeus sentence, I’d say it isn’t satire. Meanwhile, given her IT guy’s attorney just gave notice to Congress of his clients intent to plead the 5th, this tells me something. NO ONE pleads the 5th without serious shit behind it. But, just like Learner..and Holder..nothin’s gonna happen. Just another day in land of the absurd.

      09/4/15 11:05 AM | Comment Link

    • John Poole said...

      4

      Pitch- how about a good Manhattan to toast the demise of an experiment in so called democracy? If Hillary becomes POTUS I don’t see how this nation can move forward.
      Actually my premise now is that tequilla is the way to go. The grain route seems more health threatening. Lee Marvin would agree.

      09/4/15 2:13 PM | Comment Link

    • StarkNakedTruth said...

      5

      “Just another day in land of the absurd”

      Sounds like an interesting book title!

      09/4/15 4:07 PM | Comment Link

    • RICH BAUER said...

      6

      The US government -a criminal organization – will not punish a career criminal like Hillary. Unlike Peter, she did not leak the info to make the crime family look bad. In the eyes of the crooks, breaking the vow of silence is the only crime.

      09/5/15 10:16 AM | Comment Link

    • RICH BAUER said...

      7

      If Pags seeks immunity for testifying against Hillary, he should stay away from the GW Parkway.

      09/5/15 10:23 AM | Comment Link

    • StarkNakedTruth said...

      8

      “Pags” might as well have painted a target on his back.

      I will be none to surprised to read in the not too distant future, he is found shot in the back of the head, charred to a crisp, and lying on train tracks. And no doubt, the attending coroner will announce that he committed suicide.

      09/5/15 11:25 AM | Comment Link

    • john Poole said...

      9

      Or someone in the party will decide it might be better to remove Hillary from contention to save the party.. Her inevitability might eventually be seen as a lethal liability. Just hoping of course.

      09/5/15 1:34 PM | Comment Link

    • person unknown said...

      10

      Peter, your satire is being upstaged by reality. Hillary now says she opted for the homebrew server because it would have taken too long to set up a State account (surely no one will believe this?) and she had to start solving the world’s many problems . . . and she paid Pagliano off the books “obviously” because “we needed his technical assistance”.

      And the lies just keep on coming . . .

      09/5/15 4:57 PM | Comment Link

    • john Poole said...

      11

      Pagliano is now discussing the down side of incarceration with McDougal. We’ll see. A judge could jail him if his claim of self incrimination isn’t valid but instead invoked to protect Hillary.

      09/6/15 8:11 AM | Comment Link

    • bloodypitchfork said...

      12

      Ok Peter. Enough of Hillary…I DON”T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT HILLARY.

      Let’s talk about the abject revulsion of the worlds arms producers, the 1% of the planet who are creating an unprecedented swath of human beings trying to find a haven for life somewhere on this planet, where they don’t have to endure continuous war, death and destruction. Let’s talk about that. Because..if we don’t..we are lost.

      09/6/15 5:59 PM | Comment Link

    • bloodypitchfork said...

      13

      http://www.reuters.com/article/2015/09/06/us-europe-migrants-hungary-idUSKCN0R40FO20150906

      This isn’t just sad. This is an epiphany. This is a human specie failure. This is.. the state of human caring at zero. zilch…

      09/6/15 6:06 PM | Comment Link

    • bloodypitchfork said...

      14

      hahahahaha…vs…

      http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3217998/Bikes-Viking-ships-floating-castles-Burning-Man-attendees-arrive-style-official-opening-bizarre-rumors-swirl-Elon-Musk-going-fund-permanent-festival-commune.html

      If ever there was living proof that American “exceptionalism” is a clueless, narcissistic, dead, self indulgent, sickening piece of shit.. this is it.

      $1/4 of a million dollars..to build a monolithic tribute to some kind of artistic vision that certain citizens of this fucking piece of shit country, can indulge in 8 days of stupid fucking worship of a concept that is a FUCKING LIE. IF ANYTHING..THIS BIZARRE FUCKING CONCEPT SHOULD BE MOBILIZING TO SAVE A HALF OF A BILLION HUMAN LIVES. but nooooooooooooo…

      these fucking morons are gonna parade around in costumes in the middle of a fucking desert to prove to themselves..once and for all.. they CAN MAKE IT THROUGH 8 DAYS OF PARTYING HELL.

      right. If only they could be sent in one second to the front line of the largest mass of human exodus in history. Maybe..after a few of them die on a beach after suffering months and years of death, misery, and pain.. they might get a fucking clue.

      However… I don’t think so. After all..Murikan exceptunalism..

      goddamnit… I need to vomit…

      09/6/15 6:28 PM | Comment Link

    • bloodypitchfork said...

      15

      Meanwhile..speaking of the DUMBEST FUCKING CUNTRY ON THE GODDAMN PLANET…

      http://gawker.com/kim-davis-for-president-scenes-from-a-pro-kim-davis-1729059086

      I’m swearing of saying geezus.

      09/6/15 6:58 PM | Comment Link

    • bloodypitchfork said...

      16

      correction…

      I’m swearing OFF saying geezus.

      09/6/15 7:05 PM | Comment Link

    • bloodypitchfork said...

      17

      ps 2.. I can’t wait to see what happens if a MUSLIM get’s elected to a COURT RECORDER.

      09/6/15 7:06 PM | Comment Link

    • bloodypitchfork said...

      18

      Meanwhile, the most stupid female on the planet decides to prove it…

      http://www.reuters.com/article/2015/09/06/us-usa-election-palin-idUSKCN0R60WV20150906

      09/6/15 7:10 PM | Comment Link

    • bloodypitchfork said...

      19

      wait…wait… speaking of epiphanies.

      http://timesofoman.com/article/67086/World/America/30-US-military-cadets-injured-as-West-Point-academy-annual-pillow-fight-turns-bloody

      And THESE fucking dolts are gonna run the military?

      BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO…HEEHAHAHEEEHAHAHA..HAHAHAHAHA…please… hahahahahaha…hohohohohohoho hahah ahahahaha..

      god. The entire Chinese/Russian military establishment are probably rolling on the floor in gut splitting laughter.

      bartender..give me a bottle of PureStupidity.

      09/6/15 7:16 PM | Comment Link

    • Consul-At-Arms said...

      20

      It’s funny because it’s true.

      09/8/15 5:02 AM | Comment Link

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