• ISIS Terror Alert: ‘We Will Crush Christmas with Star Wars Spoilers’

    December 24, 2015

    Tags: , ,
    Posted in: Other Ideas

    jarjar


    Declaring a literal “War on Christmas,” the Holy Trump Fighters Righteous Hand of God Brigade of the Islamic State issued a chilling threat for this Christmas: they plan to ruin the season for holiday moviegoers everywhere by posting detailed lists of spoilers online for the new Star Wars movie.


    In a rambling statement delivered in front of a cheesy animated flying stars background made from an old Windows 95 screensaver, holding a numbered replica of the bloody, severed head of Jar Jar Binks complete with a certificate of authenticity from LucasFilm, a Brigade spokesjihadi issued the following:

    “We will bring down the infidel’s entertainment, the puerile space drama many of you pigs will seek to watch on your so-called holy day.”

    “Even as I speak, our most holy hackers are breaking through the firewalls of the infidel websites of CNN, Facebook, Twitter, MySpace and HillaryClinton.com. Come Christmas morning, the western whore Cindy Lou and others will awake to read each and every spoiler in 36 point type, set amongst animated GIFs. You will feel as if Allah is melting away the flesh of a virgin Leia and allowing it to drip upon you.”

    “Oh, you say, I have a fancy plug-in that will not allow me to see anything spoiler-esque about the Star Wars! Hah hah hah, Allah has blessed us, because that plug-in was created by us! It will push our spoilers into the very heart of your Internet experience, as well as any new PS4’s you unwarp. XBox, that’s still cool, we love Halo out here to relax after a beheading, or when the goats grow weary.”

    “So suck on this infidels and blasphemers — this year, the Force is with us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

    “Also, Darth Vader is Luke’s father.”



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  • Recent Comments

    • Bruce said...

      1

      Can US haz “Peace Stars” (e.g., Cindy Sheehan; David Swanson; Missy Beatty; Medea Benjamin, CodePink; et al), INSTEAD?

      12/24/15 10:52 AM | Comment Link

    • chuck said...

      2

      Will the U.S. Torture Report be released in full detail this eve.?

      12/24/15 11:32 AM | Comment Link

    • chuck said...

      3

      Need at last minute, end of the year gift idea? Donate to Veterans for Peace.

      12/24/15 11:36 AM | Comment Link

    • RICH BAUER said...

      4

      Good one. Actually, the new Star Wars movie was a joke on us.

      12/24/15 5:33 PM | Comment Link

    • bloodypitchfork said...

      5

      Star Wars? You mean to tell me people still pay big money to watch that schlock? Barnum was right. And Disney just proved it in living color. I on the other hand, haven’t gone to a theater since the last Star Wars film came out. Popcorn was $5 at the time. Barnum indeed. i simply laughed at the poor girl behind the counter. Meanwhile.. I bet popcorn is up to ..what is it now..$20? Sucker is a massive understatement.

      12/25/15 8:29 PM | Comment Link

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