• Your One-Size-Fits-All American Mass Slaughter Article

    June 15, 2016

    Posted in: Other Ideas


    We American value efficiency. We like to “get to it.” So why do we have to write and read pretty much the same articles, and do the same stuff, every time another mass slaughter occurs?

    So to help out, here’s your one-size-fits-all article. I hope you bookmark it, and refer back to it when the next act takes place. And a request– for those commenting, please try and keep your remarks as generic as possible as well in the spirit of things.

    President, Governor, Mayor, Church Leaders, et al:

    What happened today in __________, the slaughter of ___________ innocent Americans, is a great national tragedy. Our thoughts and prayers are with the victims and their families. (Optional) We will take absolutely no real action to stop this from occurring again.

    All Media:

    We don’t yet know what caused the shooter(s) to act as they did, but it is believed they were (pick one or more) radicalized by Twitter, white Christians opposed to abortions, Muslim jihadis long planning this type of thing, mentally ill. Their neighbors said (pick one) they were nice people who kept to themselves or odd folks everyone kinda stayed away from.

    Try and keep the story alive for a few news cycles through (pick one) fear mongering, analysis, or a “local angle” (a Podunk man recalls visiting the sight of the massacre only last year, saying he felt security was too light even then.)

    If you are in the “serious” media, please dig out your commentary from last time, where you either plead passionately to remember the victims or try to unemotionally “look at the facts” without “politicizing this.”

    For late night hosts, start with an impassioned five-minute cold open where you address the camera directly and then do your regular show.


    — Everyone must fill up the Internet with poorly-reasoned arguments about gun control, citing ridiculous statistics, posting inflammatory graphics and blaming one or more political candidate. A handful of people will pretend to try to reconcile the two groups and end up unfriended by everyone. Be sure to get into side arguments on what is an automatic weapon and what is an assault rifle.

    — Many people will seek pseudo-victim status, either by finding some connection with those killed (“You know, I lived in _______ for like six months. It could’ve been me, man”) or simply by changing their Facebook and Twitter avatars to the appropriate flag or ribbon graphic.

    — Do stuff to “raise awareness,” whatever the f*ck that even means. Maybe a vigil, a GoFundMe, mail out some cookies, write things online like “Today we are all (add in the kind of victim)” If the massacre is abroad, say that in your best Google Translate foreign language version.

    — Christian nut jobs, please blame whatever happened on God’s wrath because of gay stuff, abortions or something about the Blacks.

    Most Important:

    Get through the checklists above in about three days, and then forget this all until the next one. Catch up on Game of Thrones, or hit that Mindy Project binge watch hard.

    Related Articles:

    Copyright © 2020. All rights reserved. The views expressed here are solely those of the author(s) in their private capacity.

  • Recent Comments

    • John Poole said...


      The Orlando police and the club security will want you to move on quickly (the lawsuits will take awhile). Comey is also hoping we’ll move on quickly. The shooter’s employer will hope we all move on. The shooter’s current “wife” hopes we’ll move on quickly. The reporters who botched the early accounts will hope we move on. What did happen? Move along Poole, you are just a trouble maker.

      06/15/16 9:03 AM | Comment Link

    • jo6pac said...


      JP, the fbi would like everyone to move on with nothing to see here.


      06/15/16 9:58 AM | Comment Link

    • rich bauer said...



      You can add this to-do-list for Congress: “Now is not the time to assess blame for the murder of ________ at ________. ”

      Since the media, the gun industry and lots of other motherfuckers are getting rich off these mass murders, why not the rest of US? I have the “OVER” at the next mass murder at ’63’. Vegas will be making a killing too.

      06/15/16 9:59 AM | Comment Link

    • rich bauer said...


      Everybody has blood on their hands so they are so desperate to blame someone else:

      “The wife of the gunman who killed 49 people at an Orlando gay nightclub could face criminal charges as early as Wednesday after a federal grand jury was convened to study possible wrongdoing by her, a law enforcement …”

      What a fucking country this is.

      06/15/16 10:05 AM | Comment Link

    • John Poole said...


      Movie of the Week scriptwriters are salivating!

      06/15/16 11:37 AM | Comment Link

    • bloodypitchfork said...


      Meanwhile, just as I said in 5 …4…. 3….

      Congress’ most despicable, wannabe tyrant motherfucker, John Cornyn claims if the FBI had been able to use an NSL they would have been able to find communications that would have indicated the killer was a terrorist.. except.. they already did.


      If stupidity were weather this scumbag would be a fucking 5.9 hurricane….

      06/15/16 11:44 AM | Comment Link

    • rich bauer said...


      “Movie of the Week scriptwriters are salivating.”

      The NRA bought the rights – dead rights and last rights. They want to film it as “Taxi Driver 2”. – making MADMAN Mateen the hero.

      06/15/16 11:46 AM | Comment Link

    • John Poole said...


      Bauer- spousal privilege-don’t forget. She doesn’t have to testify against him. Hell she can invoke the 5th like all of Hillary’s cronies. When everyone is crooked let’s not expect someone to break from the pack.

      06/15/16 12:35 PM | Comment Link

    • rich bauer said...


      I may be too cynical- you think? – but I’ve said it before, ‘nothing succeeds like failure in DC.’

      “Senate Democrats are pushing a new FBI spending plan that would boost funding for the agency in light of the massacre in Orlando that killed 49 people — the worst terrorist attack on U.S. soil since Sept. 11, 2001.

      Read more: http://www.politico.com/story/2016/06/fbi-funding-senate-democrats-224366#ixzz4BfdQsRI5
      Follow us: @politico on Twitter | Politico on Facebook

      06/15/16 1:35 PM | Comment Link

    • John Poole said...


      The Orlando massacre is now focusing on domestic abuse as a sign of someone who leans towards terrorism. Violence towards women is a sign of worse things to come. Ooops.
      Well, Christianity has a rogue male god who feels he can have his way with a teenager just so he can create a male son in human form. Was she a consenting teenager? All religion is an act of perverse violence against women Try to get Islam to ponder my premise. Good luck

      06/15/16 2:12 PM | Comment Link

    • rich bauer said...


      “All religion is an act of perverse violence against women.”

      That’s not why the Catholic Church is facing hundreds of lawsuits.

      06/15/16 2:16 PM | Comment Link

    • John Poole said...


      Organized religion sometimes double dips. Think of it- the Israelites started a scam which has enslaved all women and clueless males. Clever guys- Then the late comers- the Muslims- try to catch up and make things even worse for women. Poor women if they woke up the game would be over for any male who isn’t fair and considerate.

      06/15/16 6:22 PM | Comment Link

    • teri said...


      Oh, you left one or two out in the “president, church leaders, etc.” column:

      Make statements of sympathy for [insert type of group targeted this time] that directly contradict your previously stated opinions on that group.

      [For example, we might note how the Republicans are suddenly real anxious to let their freak flags fly and declare solidarity with the gay community when they have done their level best to prevent gay rights, gays in the military, and gay marriage, etc. until now. We might also note the fundamentalist Christian pastors whose heads are exploding as they try to pretend they never preached that gay people will burn in hell, forever. They must be very conflicted over whom they are supposed to hate more – the queers who got shot or the “ebil gay Mooslim” who shot them.]

      Make suggestions for action that directly contradict your stated positions on related matters.

      [For example, Hillary Clinton’s impassioned cry to get “weapons of war off our streets” while at the same time working to get more military hardware into the hands of police forces nationwide. To, uh, use on the streets against civilians. Clinton suggesting that people under FBI investigation should lose their rights, but apparently people under FBI investigation should be allowed to run for president. Crickets from the media.

      Also for example, everything Trump says now as opposed to what he said at some point in the past.]

      PS: Je ne suis pas LGBT, but I know people who are. That counts, right? 😉

      06/16/16 6:06 AM | Comment Link

    • rich bauer said...


      “Clinton suggesting that people under FBI investigation should lose their rights, but apparently people under FBI investigation should be allowed to run for president.”

      Hillary has been shooting her mouth off and getting people killed in distant places. May her chickens come home to roost. Comey-POTUS.

      06/16/16 7:13 AM | Comment Link

    • teri said...


      One more thought: no-one should ever, ever, ever point out that the commonality in all these mass shootings is that the shooters are Americans shooting other Americans in America. We have a much bigger problem with a violent America and violent Americans than we do with [fill in the blank].

      Wonder how we got that way [snort].

      06/16/16 7:51 AM | Comment Link

    • Bruce said...


      Fer simp’s sake; don’t fergit LONE Wolf.

      06/16/16 12:37 PM | Comment Link

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