• Thomas Jefferson’s Ghost Visits the White House

    July 5, 2016

    Tags: ,
    Posted in: Post-Constitution America

    jefferson.resized

    “Who the hell are you?” said a startled Barack Obama, clad only in his Kenyan flag boxers.

    “Easy Barack, chill. Wait, sleeping alone? Awkward. Anyway, I’m Thomas Jefferson, or at least his ghost. Every once in awhile I get bored haunting the attic at the White House and come down to visit, see how the wonderful democracy we created is doing. Add any new rights to our Bill of Rights recently?”

    “Um, it sort of hasn’t gone that way. Except maybe for the Second Amendment, lots of solid growth there,” said Obama.

    “Yes, yes, even upstairs we’ve heard the gunshots. You realize we intended that so Americans would be ready to serve as citizen-soldiers when called up to form militias, right? We never wanted a large standing army, and figured if every stout yeoman farmer retained a musket that would pretty much cover it. I’ll check my notes, but I am pretty sure we never intended the Second to end up arming unhindered homophobic maniacs, or angry white guys who hate abortion in the name of a Christian God, with bazookas.”

    “Sure, Tom, we may have made a misstep or two, but we had a couple of Democrats stage a sit in on the House floor to demand gun control,” said Obama.

    “Hmmm. Sitting down when they should be standing up for something? And why weren’t you with them, Barack?”

    “Um, I had Hamilton tickets, couldn’t make it.”

    “Oh, jeez, Hamilton, again. Where the hell’s my musical? Anyway, how are the rest of the Amendments doing?” Jefferson said.

    “Well, Tom, we had to make a few… adjustments. Time of war and all.”

    “Good God, did a foreign army invade Boston? Damned Canadian troops cross the border? British Men o’ War in New York harbor? What is this war?”

    “Well, 15 years ago some guys killed about half as many Americans who have died in the wars we started since then. That’s kinda it, really,” said Obama. “Been basically riffing off that ever since.”


    “And?”

    “And so we pretty much trashed the Fourth Amendment and now spy on all Americans 24/7. The First Amendment, especially the right to free speech part, that hasn’t held up well, either,” said Obama. “And you have to take your shoes off at the airport but none of us remember why that is anymore.”

    “But Barack, a well-informed citizenry, secure in their persons and papers, who can assemble to speak truth to their government is essential,” Jefferson said. “Actually, that’s kinda the whole thing.”

    “Sure, we have free speech zones at all the big events now, and CNN holds TV townhalls with pre-selected questions. Got that covered. But don’t ask me about due process. I kinda kill American citizens abroad with drones now. Yeah, so there’s that. You know what a mic drop is, Thomas?”

    “OK, OK, I glanced at a newspaper on my way down here, and at least there is some good news. I see that you finally corrected the biggest mistake we made with the Constitution, and got rid of slavery. Indeed, I see now that most Americans are even saying how much Black Lives Matter. That is a very nice sentiment,” Jefferson said.

    “Thomas, maybe you better sit down and I’ll explain…”




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  • Recent Comments

    • teri said...

      1

      Riff on a joke I heard a month or so back:

      Hillary is sound asleep in the White House on the first night of her presidency when she is suddenly awoken by the ghost of George Washington.

      “Why, Mr. President!” she exclaims, “What are you doing here?”

      “I came to see if you needed any advice,” he answers in a ghostly voice.

      “That’s so nice, ” she says and thinks for a moment. “Tell me, how can I best serve the people of the United States?”

      “Never lie to them,” comes the answer.

      “Oh, no, I NEVER lie. That’s Trump’s problem, not mine. Not very useful advice.” And she goes back to sleep.

      The second night, she is awoken by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.

      “My goodness, another Mr. President!” Hillary says, startled. “What advice do you have for me, sir? How can I best serve the people?”

      “Never bully them,” he answers in a ghostly whisper. “Respect their rights.”

      “Oh, I NEVER push people around and rights is my middle name. Hmmph, I’d think you’d have something more helpful, ” she declares, and nods off again.

      The third night, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.

      “Why it’s old Honest Abe!” she says. “Surely you have some very good advice that will apply to me personally. Tell me, sir, how can I best serve the people?”

      Lincoln’s ghost leans close and responds, “Go to the theater.”

      07/5/16 10:21 AM | Comment Link

    • jim hruska said...

      2

      wmw,
      i can’t remember any abortion rights opponents who have been armed with “machine guns”.
      a bit of hyperbole.
      jim hruska

      07/5/16 10:25 AM | Comment Link

    • wemeantwell said...

      3

      Hyperbole and satire fully intended…

      07/5/16 10:26 AM | Comment Link

    • rich bauer said...

      4

      Tom is our American idol; he went broke living beyond his means.

      07/5/16 10:48 AM | Comment Link

    • Helen Marshall said...

      5

      07/5/16 11:17 AM | Comment Link

    • rich bauer said...

      6

      Yeah, Tom didn’t intend to violate his slaves. Just like Hillary didn’t intend to violate national security. It was just bad judgment.

      http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/06/us/politics/hillary-clinton-fbi-email-comey.html

      07/5/16 11:34 AM | Comment Link

    • rich bauer said...

      7

      Tom and Hillary also have something else in common: SOCIOPATHS.

      07/5/16 11:38 AM | Comment Link

    • rich bauer said...

      8

      When the War Witch is elected, Edward Snowden should be invited to attend the inauguration.

      07/5/16 11:40 AM | Comment Link

    • rich bauer said...

      9

      Comey-POTUS: For example, seven e-mail chains concern matters that were classified at the Top Secret/Special Access Program level when they were sent and received. These chains involved Secretary Clinton both sending e-mails about those matters and receiving e-mails from others about the same matters. There is evidence to support a conclusion that any reasonable person in Secretary Clinton’s position, or in the position of those government employees with whom she was corresponding about these matters, should have known that an unclassified system was no place for that conversation.

      Can’t wait for the DOJ to TRY to prosecute any other government employee for a similar offense as long as the WAR WITCH is their boss. File under: S-E-L-E-C-T-I-V-E PROSECUTION

      07/5/16 11:45 AM | Comment Link

    • rich bauer said...

      10

      “The spine of the FBI is the rule of law. The spine of the FBI is a commitment to doing the right thing, in the right way, while protecting civil liberties.” – James Comey

      “Is the sound off? Good, that will keep the bastards.” – James Comey

      07/5/16 11:58 AM | Comment Link

    • bloodypitchfork said...

      11

      rich bauer said:
      “File under: S-E-L-E-C-T-I-V-E PROSECUTION”

      No..file under ..the rule of law is a fucking myth, unless you are one of the 99%.9

      Well folks. There you have it. Comey sold out the rule of law. I just wonder what Clinton had in her little black book about Comey. Doesn’t matter anymore. The Dumbest Fucking Country on the Planet is about to prove it.

      07/5/16 12:02 PM | Comment Link

    • rich bauer said...

      12

      Pitch,

      The FBI lost any credibility it had when it tried to railroad Hatfill and then smeared Ivins on the Anthrax (USG) terrorist attack. The FBI is not a tool for justice. It’s just a tool. Oh, FBI, you should be so proud.

      07/5/16 12:50 PM | Comment Link

    • rich bauer said...

      13

      “I love my country,” Dr. Steven Hatfill, 56, told NBC Matt Lauer. But, he added, “I learned a couple things. The government can do to you whatever they want. They can break the laws, federal laws, as they see fit … You can’t turn laws on and off as you deem fit. And the Privacy Act laws were put in place specifically to stop what happened to me. Whether we’re at war or have been attacked, the foundation of society is that you hold to the laws in place. I used to be somebody that trusted the government. Now I really don’t trust anything.”

      FYI: Back in the day when I was working for State aka the Dumbest Organization of the Dumbest Country on the Planet, and at the time the FBI was trying to destroy Dr. Hatfill, I filed a report through Diplomatic Security to the FBI providing an investigative lead on the Anthrax terrorist case. DS and the FBI reacted predictably: they initiated an investigation of me for violation of having classified material on my workplace computer and then tried to damage my professional reputation. Of course I was guilty of INTENT — to dare challenge the competence of the FBI.

      07/5/16 1:06 PM | Comment Link

    • rich bauer said...

      14

      TJ revised: We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men (except slaves) are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness (such as raping your slaves.)

      Even the FBI would say that’s HILLARIOUS.

      07/5/16 1:24 PM | Comment Link

    • FMJohnson said...

      15

      “Well, 16 years ago some guys killed about half as many Americans who have died in the wars we started since then.”

      Shouldn’t that be “15 years ago”?

      07/5/16 2:35 PM | Comment Link

    • wemeantwell said...

      16

      Yes, fixing…

      07/5/16 2:47 PM | Comment Link

    • rich bauer said...

      17

      Fix THIS first:

      A federal attorney announced Wednesday that Bryan Nishimura of Folsom, California, pleaded guilty to the unauthorized removal and retention of classified materials.An FBI search of Nishimura’s home turned up classified materials, but did not reveal evidence he intended to distribute them.

      He was sentenced to two years of probation and a $7,500 fine, and was ordered to surrender his security clearance. He is barred from seeking a future security clearance.

      http://www.navytimes.com/story/military/crime/2015/07/29/navy-engineer-sentenced-for-mishandling-classified-material/30862027/

      07/5/16 2:59 PM | Comment Link

    • bloodypitchfork said...

      18

      Meanwhile, I’m sure Comey knows he has now broke the law as well.

      https://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/text/18/4

      07/5/16 7:22 PM | Comment Link

    • rich bauer said...

      19

      I’m sure the Wall Street War Party has big plans for Comey when he retires. Just like all the others:

      ttps://theintercept.com/2014/12/31/winner-war-terror-financed-dream-home-2014-giveaway/

      07/5/16 9:24 PM | Comment Link

    • rich bauer said...

      20

      07/6/16 7:59 AM | Comment Link

    • rich bauer said...

      21

      Are you sure Tom wasn’t visiting the Obama White House to score some black ass?

      Speaking of assholes, the FBI never changes. The FBI intentionally used pretzel-logic to twist justice to give its new boss a get-out-of-jail card, just like the FBI intentionally used pretzel-logic to smear Bruce Ivins in the court of public opinion. The intent is clear: the FBI today is as corrupt as it was under Ms. J.Edgar. It’s all about power, and justice has nothing to do with it.

      07/6/16 9:12 AM | Comment Link

    • Bruce said...

      22

      ‘ “Well, 15 years ago some guys killed about half as many Americans who have died in the wars we started since then.” Some guys Named BUSH !

      07/6/16 9:23 AM | Comment Link

    • John Poole said...

      23

      Obama is now on the stump with Hillary via Air Force One and claiming he can pass the baton to one of the most qualified candidates ever. Comey said her email account was possibly hacked by hostile “foreign actors”. You mean like Helen Mirren? So what’s the harm in that?

      07/6/16 9:53 AM | Comment Link

    • Kyzl Orda said...

      24

      Washington and London must have the cleanest hands — so much hand-washing in the past couple of days, and now with a scathing report on Tony Blair and the Iraq war. Who wants to bet he is let off the hook, too?

      As for Candidate Clinton, there will be more scandals, just a matter of time. It figures the neo-cons will support her and very ironic, in light of the BI report, the UK Iraq War report comes out too

      Some ghosts never rest. Kind of allegorical irony to go with the Thomas Jefferson feature

      07/6/16 10:27 AM | Comment Link

    • rich bauer said...

      25

      Tom will be a regular visitor to the Clinton Whore House. He and Slick Willie will be screwing the help while the War Witch is fucking the country.

      07/6/16 10:52 AM | Comment Link

    • rich bauer said...

      26

      Tom won’t be the only ghost in Washington if Hillary is elected presidense. DOJ-decider Comey suggested administrative remedies for the LIAR-IN CHIEF may include a loss of a security clearance. Imagine the dilemma of the Joint Chiefs not able to advise Hillarious TOP SECRET information that the Russians were about to launch nukes on DC. Bombs away.

      07/6/16 11:17 AM | Comment Link

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