• Give the People What They Want (Satire)

    June 29, 2017

    Tags: ,
    Posted in: Other Ideas

    brian-griffin-novel


    Casting around for a new book idea, I got some good advice. Don’t fight that feeling anymore, the would-be mentor I found on Craigslist (under “Missed Connections,” but that’s another story) told me.

    Stop writing things nobody really wants to read about, like about sad poor people and bad cops and the stupid Middle East. Yeah, yeah, Walmart is evil, we got it. Boring.

    Instead, give people what they want. Do tequila shots and search Amazon after a couple of late night drunk dials, and just write another one of the things that seem to be doing well.

    I want to get this done fast so I can sell it here. So here are a couple of ideas I came up with, along with the titles I’d use. Which is best do you think?


    Military Leadership: From Battleground to Boardroom
    There are already a million of these out there, but there always seems to be room for one more. Every retired service member from 30-years-in generals to privates kicked out on bad conduct violations, writes one. The fun thing is that they are all the same, as if every book is created by a computer that just randomly shuffles chapter headings like “Lead from the Front,” “People are Your Best Resource,” “No Surrender,” “Details Count,” “Be the Leader You Always Wanted,” “Combat Hardens Men (and Women Now Too!),” and more about leading from the front. Even the titles are similar, always with a colon: Leading from the Front: A General’s Story or What I Learned in Combat: A Major’s Lessons from Afghanistan or Trident Glory Honor Stuff: SEAL Lessons for Managers Who Don’t Have to Kill People. Slam dunk idea I feel.


    North Korea is a Yucky Place
    North Korea could secretly actually be like Disneyland with free medical marijuana handouts inside Space Mountain and no one would want a book like that. For us to be the good guys, we need bad guys, and the North Koreans are the best because they hardly ever defend themselves, their propaganda is outright hilarious and they never seem to get stuff right. Chapters just fall out of the printer — Kim Jong Un inspecting stuff, funny slogans like “We will defeat the Western Pigs with Our Stern Glances,” a thick sheaf of those goofy social-realist posters, insights from a guy who went to North Korea for a couple of days on an official tour and so forth. This paragraph alone is practically a third of the book already.


    ISIS is Hiding Under Your Bed
    This is an easy one, as I’ll just do a search and replace job on my earlier book, Al Qaeda is Hiding Under Your Bed. I can also do another search and replace to write Trump is Hiding Under Your Bed and make it a trilogy.


    I am a Celebrity So Here’s 200 Pages
    Since I am not a celebrity, that could limit this one, but I’ll pick a dead celeb (quick: is Jay Leno still alive? How about the barechested guy from Idol a few years back?) and type it as a ghostwriter. Celebrity books need only two things to sell well: a good cover photo, preferably one that is sexy but not so sexy that it can’t be sold in supermarkets, and one quotable gossipy bit about a better known celebrity. So, if it turns out that Leno really is dead so I can use him, I just need to make up something connecting him to a bigger celeb like, I don’t know, Oprah. Love child?!?!


    You Can Lose Weight Just By Buying this Book!
    Crazy, but it works!!!!*
    *May not work.


    I Fully Agree with Your Politics!
    This one would come in Red and Blue editions, different covers but the material inside would just be made opposite by an intern. So for the red book it would be “I love guns and hate people not like me” and the Blue one “I love hate guns and hate love people not like me.” If it sells, I’ll do an undecided edition that will go to the 89 percent of Americans who somehow can’t make up their mind about how they feel about surveys. This whole category has a lot of competition in it, so the idea may not work when I have to go head-to-head with superstars like Bill Maher.


    Something, Something, It’s Inspirational
    Our lives are so desperate and empty that we hope a 90 page book on the remainder rack will fix things. I’ve already discarded the titles You are Sad Enough to Buy This, and Well, At Least You Can Buy Another Cat, But Mom is Dead. Yep, that’s it.


    Something, Something, About Sex
    Everybody loves porn, some people just are too embarrassed to admit it and prefer to buy a “novel” instead of just looking at bondage sites that talk about the same damn things. Repressed much? If so, you’ll love my new novel, “Fifty-One Shades of Me Making Money.” It’ll be about this dominant author who sexually tortures readers by teasing them into buying a terribly written book. Or, maybe “Sex and More Sex But Without the Bad Words.” It’ll have stuff like “The moonlight was as much of a caress on her womanhood as his masculine hands, which were very clean and he had even gotten under the nails, and he had used mouthwash too before slobbering on me then rolling over to check his phone.” ‘Tween edition is the same stuff but with vampires.


    How to Get Rich Writing Junk Books
    If you’ve read this far into the article, you can imagine that this one would pretty much write itself. On the back cover would be a photo of my blackened soul.


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    Copyright © 2017. All rights reserved. The views expressed here are solely those of the author(s) in their private capacity. Follow me on Twitter!

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  • Recent Comments

    • Rich Bauer said...

      1

      Sex always sells. Suggested title “Summer of 2022” –

      Coming of age love story, boy meets zombie, boy loses zombie. Sells his soul to the devil and becomes presidense. Inspirational tale that no matter how bad things look they can always get worse.

      06/29/17 6:57 AM | Comment Link

    • Mitch said...

      2

      How about re-writing everything from book 4 on in the ‘S.M. Stirling’. Series…. “Dies the Fire”.

      First three books… First one especially… Were fantastic….everything from book four on SUCKED!!!!!!!…. Like they were written by a completely different author.

      Or….

      The world can always use another cookbook…… Here’s an old title….

      “How To Serve Man “.

      M

      06/29/17 8:27 AM | Comment Link

    • Bruce said...

      3

      06/29/17 10:13 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      4

      Trump unauthorized bio : “How the Sickest Fuck in America Became Presidense”

      06/29/17 10:56 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      5

      Or “The Demented Troll Who Would Be King -The Rise and Fall of the American Empire”

      06/29/17 11:00 AM | Comment Link

    • Mitch said...

      6

      Rich…

      Why do you want Peter to do your autobiography?????

      “Demented Troll Who Would Be King ”

      M

      06/29/17 11:53 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      7

      “The Trumpies- the Gong Show on the Potomac”

      06/29/17 3:25 PM | Comment Link

    • chuck said...

      8

      Do you work for the people? Do not waste our time. Be well. Do not Fuck around. Have a nice day!

      06/29/17 6:59 PM | Comment Link

    • chuck said...

      9

      resitst Donna Brazile and The Turtle Man Pigs. Have a nice day!

      06/29/17 7:10 PM | Comment Link

    • chuck said...

      10

      Debbie Wasserman is a Pig Zionist. Have a nice kind of stooge day! Enjoy!

      06/29/17 7:13 PM | Comment Link

    • chuck said...

      11

      Protect the Ten Comandments fro Van Burens!!!!!

      06/29/17 7:14 PM | Comment Link

    • chuck said...

      12

      Bless you. Dog is God spelled backwards. Wow! (Mom upside down).

      06/29/17 7:16 PM | Comment Link

    • chuck said...

      13

      C gillibrand has a Ali Babba bud in Calf.! Name soon from sources (family) have a nice day, enjoy.

      06/29/17 9:21 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      14

      “The Wise Sayings of Chairman Chuck”

      Okay, nobody will get past the first chapter. But start a viral campaign like the “Blair Witch” and the fools will be too embarassed to admit they spent the money on it.

      06/29/17 10:51 PM | Comment Link

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