• This Year’s Top 10 Hottest Holiday Gifts

    December 24, 2018

    Tags: , ,
    Posted in: Democracy, Trump


     

    This Year’s Top 10 Hottest Holiday Gifts

    Still shopping for the right last minute gift? Received $300 in $10 Amazon gift cards from the Secret Santas you’ve had to participate in at all your part time jobs and want to treat yourself? Here are some great suggestions!

     

    Middle East Lego Playset

    The set retails for three trillion dollars. Included are enough Legos to build replicas of Mosul and Fallujah, allowing a child to refight those battles over and over. Figures, all with removable heads, include Sunni militias, Islamic State fighters, Shia militias, one figure representing the actual Iraqi Army, Americans, Iranians, Yemenis, Kurds, Russians, Syrians (moderate and radical, though they look alike), Israelis, Saudi financiers, Hezbollah fighters, and a starter pack of refugees. Don’t forget even more adventures can be played with the Turkish Expansion Pack. Parents, please note, even with the best of intentions, the playset tends to simply fall apart after awhile and everyone gets bored with it. Not included: any weapons of mass destruction.

     

    DVD Set: Ken Burns’ America’s Afghan War, 2001 – Who Knows

    America’s master of the documentary returns with this insightful history of America’s longest war. Weighing in at over 12,345,000 hours of DVD footage delivered in three container trucks, the documentary largely consists of one scene played over and over of Marines capturing and then giving up then recapturing the same hill outside Kabul while narrator Morgan Freeman reads letters from other troopers detailing how their PTSD ruined two marriages and they’ve missed nine birthdays for their youngest son.

    On the Blu-Ray version, Burns offers us an interview montage of a Taliban leader in 2001 saying he will outlast the Americans, followed by his son saying the same thing in 2006, followed by his grandson repeating it in 2010, followed by twin great grandchildren making the same promise in 2018 while various American presidents mime “nyah nyah” behind them. The Deluxe Edition comes with $20 billion in American dollars, along with a match so you can set it on fire, a far better use of the money than funding another year of war.

     

    Trump: The Foreign Policy Game

    Game night will never be the same! This basically is just a regular game of Jenga. The new rules, however, allow a player to suddenly yell “Make America Great Again” and knock over the tower.

     

    The Amazon Alexa Ocasio-Cortez Plug-In Adapter

    In addition to changing Alexa’s voice to that of Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez, this software update occasionally sets your device to simply scream at the top of its lungs for no discernible reason until you wish she would just go away. When you order something for yourself, the device refuses to process the request and says “That’s just so wrong!” Several times a month it does use your credit card to purchase artisanal honey-based shampoos made in Brooklyn to ship to refugee centers because they need comforts too, and to pay off student loans held by Members of Congress. After six months the software self-destructs and you never hear from it again. Includes a coupon good next Christmas for the Ilhan Omar and Beto versions.

     

    Speak to Me Millennial Doll

    Has your Millennial son or daughter stopped talking with you since the 2016 election? The Speak to Me Millennial Doll is the answer! The doll comes in only one transgender version with a nose ring and simulated tattoo of alleged comedian Pete Davidson making love to Hillary Clinton. Pulling the string causes the doll to nasally utter such phrases as “That’s racist!,” “You’re a fascist,” “Seriously, you’re going to eat that ‘food’?”, “No more hate speech,” and “I wish I wasn’t white.” The doll has a feature in which no matter where you put it down it automatically returns to sleep on the coach in your basement.

     

    CLUE – the 2020 Democratic Presidential Edition

    A crime has been committed and the game is afoot! Who has been nominated for President and Vice President by the Democratic party? It’s your job to follow the clues and figure out who the culprits are! Is it Biden and Some Black Person in the men’s room? Warren and Bernie in the Assisted Living Wing, Gillibrand alone locked outside, or Hillary running alone through the house killing off the others with a candlestick shouting “It’s still my turn!” Comes with a free tax increase, a new war in the Middle East, and an Obamacare “Tarnished Tin” level starter-pack. Libertarian candidate cards not available in the U.S.

     

    Grow Your Own Putin

    Available exclusively at PetSmart, you get a glass tank and a small ceramic Trump Tower that doubles as an air filter. Simply fill the tank with water (or blood) and pour in the pre-measured freeze-dried Putin flakes. Watch as they grow! Initially your Putin may only occupy a small corner of its tank. But the more you pay attention to it, the bigger it will get! With proper media exposure, your little Putin will soon dominate your entire household, and come to be the thing to blame when someone forgets to buy milk, when the dishes are not done, and when the spark just seems to have gone out of your marriage. Warming lamp, food pellets, and 24/7 fiber optic access to social media sold separately.

     

    Mueller Supercut, Hero Edition

    For the antifa niece or nephew on your list, this is a supercut of all classic tough guy movies (Clint Eastwood, Arnold, Bruce Willis) where, using state-of-the-art computer graphics, Robert Mueller’s face is substituted in. Hear your favorite Man o’ the Resistance utter lines like “Make my day, punk,” “Yippie Ky-ee, MF” and of course “Get off my lawn.” Also included are the really romantic stuff from Love, Actually where Mueller is shown doing all the nice things you wish your damn boyfriend would do for you just once this Christmas how the hell hard can it be to make up some cards and ring the doorbell, and those not-gay scenes from Magic Mike where each shirtless image of Channing Tatum is redone with Mueller’s face.

    Comes with a temporary Mueller tattoo, because we know you’ll come to regret it even if you don’t yet. And for one lucky child with terminal cancer, the real Robert Mueller will come to his hospital bed and whisper the secret ending of the investigation. This insight will cure the child and he will be able to walk again.

    (Note: this gift idea replaces an earlier supercut in which Ruth Bader Ginsburg was CGI-ed as several Avengers characters.)

     

    CNN or FOX News Pundit Gift Certificate
    Don’t watch the news, create the news! This attractive gift certificate, available for your favorite not fake news channel, allows you to appear as one of a panel of 25 experts to comment on the most important story of the day. Your image on screen will be approximately the size of an Apple watch, and your remarks must be limited to shouting “But wait just a minute,” “The walls are closing in,” “What about the emails?” or “Oh right, the Russians,” delivered either with righteous anger or drippy sarcasm depending on which channel you choose. Buy two or more certificates and you will be quoted as “an unnamed source close to the White House” and given a book deal. The buyer is responsible for travel to CNN headquarters in New York and the trailer park where Fox News is thought to originate.

     

    Your Own GoFundMe

    With GoFundMe now America’s largest health insurer, give the gift of an account to a loved one!

     

    …And some bonus items!

    Media Critique Kit

    An educational “toy” to encourage a more thoughtful approach to the mediascape of 2019, the kit is just a gallon of vodka. The advanced kit includes a stout rope and sturdy stool.

     

    The Mar-a-Lago Experience

    Why not a little getaway to the Happiest Place in America? All-inclusive, the weekend includes an appointment to whatever Cabinet position happens to be open at the time. Seriously, you don’t have to really go there for the weekend, just please someone take some of these jobs if you can.

     

    Military Leadership: From Battleground to Boardroom

    A good book always makes a great gift. But this isn’t really just one book, you can give a million of them to everyone on your list because every retired service member from 30-year-generals to privates kicked out on bad conduct violations writes one. Don’t worry which to choose, as they are all the same! Every book is created by a computer that just randomly shuffles chapter headings like “Lead from the Front,” “People are Your Best Resource,” “No Surrender,” “Details Count,” “Be the Leader You Always Wanted,” “Combat Hardens Men (and Women Now Too!),” and more. Even the titles are similar, always with a colon: Leading from the Front: A General’s Story or What I Learned in Combat: A Major’s Lessons from the Front or Trident Glory Honor Sweaty Stuff: SEAL Lessons for Managers Who Don’t Have to Kill People.

     

    The Password for my Netflix Account
    Seriously, about 20 people are already “borrowing” it. You might as well use it. How does this company make money?

     

    A Fill-In-the-Blank ‘Never Forget’ Bumper Sticker
    Be prepared.

     

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    Copyright © 2019. All rights reserved. The views expressed here are solely those of the author(s) in their private capacity.

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  • Recent Comments

    • J.L.Seagull said...

      1

      Maybe you should try listening to what AOC actually says, instead of what Breitbart says about her. I think you’d be pleasantly surprised.

      12/24/18 8:28 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      2

      Create your own false flag attack set

      Feeling like you want to destroy innocent countries and just can’t find the reason to do it? Well, with this amazing toolbox timetested by the military-industrial complex, anything can be justified. Mix together these bioweapon chemicals and send them to your in-laws. Be sure to include the calling cards we have created to sick the sick patriots on the evildoers. War is Christmas everyday for the MIC.

      12/24/18 9:26 AM | Comment Link

    • wemeantwell said...

      3

      Don’t forget the upgrades to the “false flag attack set” including poison darts labeled Made in Russia, and the gas-your-own-people kit. Both come with six hours of CNN reporting to enhance the effects!

      12/24/18 9:41 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      4

      Tired of the fake fireplace video on your big screen this holiday? Try the classic HD Bombing Baghdad to get you in the holiday from reality mood. We will also send you video of the greatest mass murders in 2018. You can toast your friends into the new year. We are all toast.

      12/24/18 11:05 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      5

      Peter,

      Hurry and get the copyright to these ideas before SNL or Mattel take the credit.

      12/24/18 11:08 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      6

      Caravan Countdown video game

      Call of Duty too boring for you? Try “Caravan Countdown”. You are the only thing to stop the invading horde. Just you and your AR15…plus endless ammo.

      12/24/18 11:12 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      7

      Wonkette wants to link to the article. Apparently it’s going viral.

      12/24/18 11:18 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      8

      Brainwash, the video screensaver subliminal to erase your humanity

      Download this subliminal screensaver to your laptop and watch all your worries disappear. FOX NEWS has been using it for years and its audience couldn’t give a shit about anybody but themselves. A product of the CIA Labs.

      12/24/18 11:28 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      9

      The Bruce Ivins jigsaw puzzle

      Spend hours trying to put together the puzzle that never fits..unless you are the FBI and you make a living doing it. This replaces the Steven Hatfill jigsaw puzzle that was recalled because we were getting our ass sued.

      12/24/18 11:35 AM | Comment Link

    • chuck nasmith said...

      10

      Does Capitalism work for my lifetime? Should I help people and animals, etc.? Peas on Earth. Plant a seed. Put a Cog in the Wheel. Enjoy!

      12/24/18 12:27 PM | Comment Link

    • Chucknobomb said...

      11

      The BA fox will Lead? Did Obomber Drone? Is the u.s. BS?

      12/24/18 3:07 PM | Comment Link

    • Chucknobomb said...

      12

      Buy, and happy holidays.

      12/24/18 3:08 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      13

      Trump Monopoly

      Monopoly for the soulless. Buy all those AC properties and the first to go bankrupt wins!

      12/27/18 10:54 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      14

      Where’s Hillary’s emails?

      The Where’s Waldo for the brainless. Spend endless hours searching for something that isn’t there so you don’t think about all the money your 401k is losing.

      12/27/18 10:57 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      15

      In Fool disclosure, in We Meant Well on October 2 I did warn you fools to SELL, the day of the peak of the stock market.

      12/27/18 11:00 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      16

      For our furloughed feds friends, a gift that keeps forgiving:

      The U.S. Office of Personnel Management has offered federal workers affected by the government shutdown a guide for negotiating with creditors, loansharks, landlords and mortgage companies while their income is cut off.

      Among the suggested strategies:

      A furloughed employee might offer to trade maintenance services such as painting or carpentry work in exchange for a reduction in rent.

      Give prostitution a shot. You are already getting fucked by Uncle Sam, so what’s the big deal?

      Take that weekend trip to Colombia and come back with snort Party gifts for a very happy New Year. Give a cut to the unpaid Customs agent at the port of entry. And its tax free.

      Have any classified reports on your desk the Russians would want? Selling out your country can be profitable. Hell, your presidense has been doing it for years. Technically, you aren’t a paid fed, so it’s all legit.

      12/28/18 10:44 AM | Comment Link

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