• Mass Shootings: Memo to all Washington Post Staff

    August 5, 2019

    Tags: ,
    Posted in: Democracy


     
    Update 2019: For the youngsters out there, here’s something I wrote in 2013 after some mass shooting nobody even remembers from six years ago. About the only thing that needs changing if I were to resubmit the article today would be to throw in some blah-blah about social media (not a big deal in 2013) and Trump (also not a big deal in 2013). Otherwise, same story.
     

    Update 2013: My article, below, was intended as satire, but yet another very real mass shooting took place just a few hours ago in Chicago, leaving 13 more wounded and dead.

     
     

    (Sorry, it’s been a few days since the last shooting, so this may no longer be timely. This memo was found near the Washington Post offices, with the words “Watergate Uber Alles” scrawled across it in what appears to be human blood. I have been unable to confirm its authenticity, but while reading it a person identifying himself as a Washington Post reporter recently reassigned from foreign correspondent to the Style section came up to me begging for spare change and said it “looked real.”)

    TO: All Washington Post Staff

    FROM: Jeff Bezos, owner

    SUBJECT: Coverage of Mass Shootings
    —————————————————————–

    It seems that mass shooting is more than a passing fad now, so we need to regularize our coverage. This is not only for consistency’s sake, but also, given recent and future staff cuts (don’t worry, most of those laid off from the paper will be offered positions at Amazon’s New Delhi hub), to save time and money. Here are the new SOPs. Anyone not following these will feel a Zappo up the backside from me.

    On the Day

    1) Psychotic killers will be referred to as “shooters.” Anything bigger than a handgun, a “long rifle.” Any long rifle, shotgun, lengthy piece of wood, etc., will be an “assault rifle” or a “military-style weapon” starting in para two. Try to use the word “tactical” whenever possible. The shooter will have worn “military-style clothing” regardless of whether or not the photos show him in a Hello Kitty t-shirt.

    2) While fresh photos of grieving relatives are crucial, specific interviews are a waste of resources. Recycle. Anyone who was in the military in any form is a “veteran who survived combat tours only to ironically meet his demise at home.” Anyone over 28 years old will have “left behind children.” Quote a neighbor as saying the deceased was a regular guy/gal who liked to barbecue, coached Little League, that kind of thing. Throw in a hobby– “He loved fly fishing” or “…his beloved taxidermy collection.” Even if the dude was a convicted drug dealer murderer, in death he was “a good man, well-loved by his pit bull and customers.”

    3) The “shooter” was not a good man. He had an (undiscovered until you dug it up) history of mental illness, though throw in in the lede that he purchased his long gun, assault rifle, grenade launcher or cluster munition legally. Quote a neighbor as saying the shooter “seemed like a regular guy, you know, kept his lawn nice and all.” Quote his mom saying she didn’t know where things went wrong for him, then have her reference unironically the thirty strangled cats she found in his room.

    4) Somebody will need do something “incredibly brave.” Use a cop if necessary, but it’s much better if you can tell about some ordinary office worker who did an extraordinary thing. Quote him/her as “just doing my job” if a cop, “I did what I had to do” if a civilian.

    The Days After

    5) The President will go on TV and say what a tragedy, a nation grieves, blame Congress and/or the other party for inaction, need to possibly think about someday looking into gun control, yadda, yadda but you know, Second Amendment and all that. Just use the last speech’s text again. If presidential approval ratings are below 50%, he’ll appoint a blue ribbon commission to look into this terrible day. When Obama leaves office, remember to change the name.

    6) Re-run the editorial about gun control. If it doesn’t fit in the front section, drop Family Circle from the comics page for a day and stick it there.

    7) Next day, run a photo of flags at half-mast (might as well leave ’em there to save wear and tear!), and print a couple of letters to the editor. Same cranks write in every time so don’t spend a lot of energy on this. Second Amendment, need to have armed guards in schools and public restrooms, think of the children, the violence has to stop, etc.

    Finally, don’t milk it. These stories are good for a day or two, maybe a little more if local, but nothing past that unless a celebrity is involved. Don’t worry about filling the space, there’ll be another mass shooting coming soon enough.

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    Copyright © 2019. All rights reserved. The views expressed here are solely those of the author(s) in their private capacity.

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  • Recent Comments

    • Rich Bauer said...

      1

      PVB,

      The names and places may change but the message remains the same: American Psycho, We Can Go Holmes Again

      The latest American Psycho should have rung some alarm bells during his latest security background check, but the “intelligence” agencies that spy on all of US who are not gun fanatics were caught flatfooted again by a terrorist hellbent on killing as many defenseless Americans as he could.

      In our Faustian bargain with the devil we allow our government to spy on US so that ala Person of Interest we can prevent this from happening. Where were the great database search masters who supposedly can connect the dots – the numerous alarming purchases the American Psycho made – and send out the Flying Monkeys to make a search of his residence to find out what the hell he was up to? One could conclude that we have surrendered our privacy to an incompetent surveillance state that is so overwhelmed with worthless data it could never find the devil in the details.

      If we are going to create massive databases in the Utah desert to spy on US, why not use them to keep tabs on American Psychos who buy 6000 rounds of ammo?

      It is estimated 5 percent of the US population suffers from some mental illness. We are a sick society that cannot get too much violence. We have a government with blood on its hands from the NRA that seemingly wants to make it easy for American Psychos to kill your children and a vulture media salivating at the chance to report it all. Hollister will make a killing mass producing fashionable body armor.

      If we allow weapons of mass destruction to go unchecked in this sick society and fall into the hands of American Psychos, then my friends, we can go Holmes again.

      The WP can use this for the next time…and the next time…and

      09/20/13 12:17 PM | Comment Link

    • Kyzl Orda said...

      2

      Dear Rich, Well stated

      Some source said the shooter was able to buy a gun in VA just before he melted down in Navy Yard

      09/20/13 2:37 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...

      3

      quote:”Where were the great database search masters who supposedly can connect the dots – the numerous alarming purchases the American Psycho made….”

      Ha! Connect the dots my ass. Bah! Alexander was busy sitting in his Star Trek control room chair mentally masturbating while watching 30 PIP screens on the 22′ master, of stupid women who happen to be undressing in front of their Smart TV’s unaware that the NSA can see/hear anything they want from your computer video cam to your iphone etc.
      quote:”If we are going to create massive databases in the Utah desert to spy on US, why not use them to keep tabs on American Psychos who buy 6000 rounds of ammo? unquote
      Keep track. Right.
      You mean like the psycho’s at DHS when they bought 1.7 BILLION rounds of Geneva outlawed HOLLOW POINT ammo????? Phullesse…spare me. These dimwits couldn’t keep track of of a psycho standing in Times Square yelling “I’m gonna kill everyone on the planet” in a megaphone, the Boston bombers notwithstanding.

      Rich, kidding aside, it’s not the NSA’s job to monitor every purchase made on the planet..even if they can. Frankly, I don’t know where you got the 6000 round info, but it’s not against the law to stockpile a MILLION rounds, although, Waco notwithstanding..if you did, I’m sure the ATF/FBI would murder you with impunity in a chemical induced fireball..Constitutionally guaranteed right or not. And even if you did..that doesn’t make you a psycho. On the contrary, MOST Gun rights advocates who DO stockpile ammo understand something that stuff between your ears seems to have overlooked..these motherfuckers would kill you in as new york second for even LEGALLY OPEN CARRYING a weapon if they could. And they do it all the time..so WHO is the PSYCHO..hmmmmmm?

      And another thing. For all those people who wish the USG had a monopoly on violence..just WHO is going to protect you when and if you happen to be on the victim end of a violent act perpetrated when no one else can help you..hmmmmmm? Just like those Navy personnel who complained they had weapons that could have stopped this madman..but SOMEONE in authority..refused to supply them with ammo. Priceless. Someone please tell me what they were supposed to do…throw them?????????

      The point IS this.

      1. We will NEVER EVER EVER stop a “psycho” determined to kill…gun or not.
      After all…
      2.We have a “psycho” sitting in the Whitehouse RIGHT NOW…who PERSONALLY decides the fate of thousands of innocent human beings on this planet by virtue of collateral murder during drone attacks on kill list benefactors. WHO is going to stop him, hmmmmmmmmm?

      While I do feel great sadness for those who died at the hands of this sick human being, I have my own view. Had ONE SINGLE PERSON in the path of this madman been OPEN CARRYING a weapon..some of those people would STILL be alive. Of course, in WDC, it is against the law to open carry. So WHO is at fault..hmmmmmm? Even the WDC Special Police who were trained to respond..and DID..were told to STAND DOWN. Which is a still unfolding story unto itself. FBI/redflag comes to mind. I wonder why? sheeeezus.

      However, there is still one outstanding issue here that is at the heart of this entire GUN RIGHT debate. The 2nd Amendment. Thank god it exists. Otherwise…a King George III wannabe would already have this nation in full blown Totalitarian Mode already..not that we aren’t on that path..but when push comes to shove when the SHTF…I’m still gonna have a vote whether or not someone can murder me and or my family without at least ONE of them dieing first. And that my friend is the WHOLE DAMN POINT of owning a weapon. DEFENSE. In that light, every time I read about some dimwit who gets the shit kicked out of his self because he DOESN’T GET IT..well, too fucking bad. Their idiocy=their pain.

      PVB, with all due respect..while you have a right to your opinion on your blog..it isn’t the best place for people to learn about the fight for the preservation of 2nd Amendment rights. On the contrary. If people here knew what was REALLY happening on that battlefront..they might understand the underpinnings for everything else the USG/militarized Law Enforcement/Political Collectivists are trying to do in this country. In that light..I offer this blog to become more informed about your right to own a weapon….and WHY YOU SHOULD. After all..Mike Vanderbough is the one who broke the Fast & Furious story. If anyone is an expert on this subject..he is.

      http://sipseystreetirregulars.blogspot.com/

      And this is why…..

      http://www.examiner.com/article/connecticut-judge-declares-no-one-should-have-guns

      right. No one should have guns. King George must be laughing his ass off.

      09/20/13 2:56 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      4

      Pitch,

      Re: the 6000 round number – http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/20/james-holmes-aurora-shooting_n_1691191.html – a leftover from my original Holmes article. Pardon the cut-and-paste Holmes confusion, but America doesn’t care to make changes and I don’t either.

      The song remains the same: America, you are so FUCKED.

      09/20/13 4:23 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      5

      09/20/13 4:53 PM | Comment Link

    • pitchfork said...

      6

      quote:”nsa-caught-illegally-spying-on-americans-and-keith-alexanders-answer-is-a-group-hug/”unquote

      Just saw the letter at the Dissenter. Unbelievable.

      Alexander is the epitome of a fucking psychopath. How on earth Congress can justify this pricks spending habits for Star Trek control rooms while American infrastructure is turning into dust is beyond criminal. I submit, if America doesn’t come to it’s goddamn senses pretty quick and clean out the Congress in 2016, they won’t have a chance later. Unfortunately..you KNOW what the alternative is now.

      09/20/13 8:32 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      7

      “Is Inglis and Alexander’s group hug just an attempt to steel NSA family members for still more alarming — government released — revelations about illegal spying on Americans?”

      Group hug? More like a circle jerk.

      09/20/13 10:41 PM | Comment Link

    • Eric a said...

      8

      You know it’s a shame they don’t have a national repository for all of these events that people can research.

      And by events I mean all of them. Everyone who was murdered that week whether it be from hands, fists, knives, baseball bats, handguns, etc.

      And then a section where everyone who successfully defended themselves with a handgun or rifle, etc. could be researched as well.

      I think it would make for a much more balanced approach to understanding crime, violence, and self-defense in the United States.

      09/22/13 4:30 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      9

      Damn, PVB,

      Now I can’t even cut and paste my old article when you rerun your old articles.

      Things must be really bad when the New York Post calls today for an assault weapon ban.

      While there may be momentum for that, let US pull out the final solution. PUBLIC AWARENESS. Establish an American Psycho registry like the Sex Pred Registry so neighbors are aware of potential threats. You want to buy 100 round mags? Fine I want to know.

      08/5/19 8:39 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      10

      There is some good news: think of all the songs that are being written.

      Supremacist soldiers and Trumpists coming
      We’re finally on our own
      This summer I hear the drumming
      Four — nine- dead in Ohio

      Gotta get down to it
      Gun nuts are cutting us down
      Should have been done long ago
      What if you knew her
      And found her dead on the ground
      How can you run when you know?

      Gotta get down to it
      NRA is cutting us down
      Should have been done long ago
      What if you knew her
      And found her dead on the ground
      How can you run when you know?

      Supremacist soldiers and Trumpists coming
      We’re finally on our own
      This summer I hear the drumming
      Four – nine more dead in Ohio

      08/5/19 9:25 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      11

      PVB,

      You forgot one very important talking hollow point for the WP Amazon article:

      Great sales on Amazon on 100 round mags today!

      08/5/19 9:39 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      12

      Trump’s best anti immigrant message

      Aren’t you glad you don’t live in that sickfuck country.

      08/5/19 10:22 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      13

      This summer listen to the sound of drums in Ohio

      KCI AR-15 .223/5.56mm 100-Round Gen 2 Drum Magazine

      On sale today. $130

      08/5/19 12:45 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      14

      MadMen- truth in advertising. So many bodies, so little time

      “This High-capacity Drum Mag lets you unleash a variable capacity of firepower, up to a whopping 100 rounds.

      Just the ticket, should things really heat up and the lead needs to fly. Of course, this means less time spent reloading, and more time for shooting as fast as you can pull the trigger.

      Right now, our buying power means BIG discount savings! This could be your last chance to own a 100-rd. Drum Magazine.”

      Last chance? Surely you jest.

      08/5/19 12:50 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      15

      Why does this mass murder happen most often in Amerika? Couldn’t be the ample supply of assault guns and 100 round mags. No, then Darwin would say it is predictable that the white psycho population that immigrated here successfully propagated a genetic predisposition to mass killing that wiped out the Native Americans, Mexicans, enslaved and murdered Blacks indiscriminately and other minorities in its manifest psychosis destiny. The good news is genetic screening can identify these potential mass murderers and could be used to red flag them. But the psychos in Congress like Pat Toomey would never allow that. Senator Toomey was right when he said these psycho Amerikans love assault weapons. It’s in their genes. Of course, many of these psychos are unattractive breeding stock and many will be wiped out in gunfights before they can pass on their psycho genes. These days Survival of the fittest means who has the best body armor.

      08/6/19 9:59 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      16

      Newsflash: WashPo had to tell Amazon that it was still listing the 100 round mags for sale. Amazon says it had no idea. Bezos should be talking to Bezos.

      08/7/19 5:25 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      17

      The real Fake News- Deny and Lie

      Most Republicans would support legislation banning assault-style weapons, a new POLITICO/Morning Consult poll found Wednesday — a finding that contradicts President Donald Trump’s claim earlier the same day that there’s “no political appetite” for such restrictions.

      The poll found that nearly 70 percent of all voters would back such a ban. Support for an assault-weapons ban was higher, at 86 percent, among Democrats, who have been pushing for new restrictions on the firearms in the wake of two mass shootings over the weekend.

      But then when did the popular vote mean anything.

      08/8/19 9:36 AM | Comment Link

    • David Macadam said...

      18

      Peter, a much welcomed (if sour) addition regarding the media and its inane reporting styles.

      08/9/19 5:18 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      19

      Amerika’s addiction is killing it

      In the past three decades, sales of miscellaneous firearms have grown exponentially. In 1986, only 4,558 were made. By 2009, the number had grown to 138,815. And by 2016, the ATF says, it had grown to 833,123.

      08/10/19 2:01 PM | Comment Link

    • ChuckNoBomb said...

      20

      Free Assange. Free Manning, Snowden, and too many others. F you s A. Stop Terrorist Nations. B D S Does Israel Control my Govt. ? Inspect their Nukes. Aircraft Carrier Nuke Diplomacy ? Be well if you wage Peace. Hi Mitch!

      08/10/19 9:24 PM | Comment Link

    • ChuckNoBomb said...

      21

      Free Assange. Free Manning, Snowden, and too many others. F you S. A. Terrorist with WMD. Stop Terrorist Nations. B D S Does Israel Control my Govt. ? Inspect their Nukes. Aircraft Carrier Nuke Diplomacy ? Be well if you wage Peace. Thanks Peter. Hi Mitch!

      08/10/19 9:26 PM | Comment Link

    • chucknobomb said...

      22

      I know J. Bezzo gets money from the Gov. for Washington Post Lies. Stay tuned fools. The weather is changing fast. Be safe and wage peas. Enjoy.

      08/10/19 9:31 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      23

      Fight fire with more fire. Labels can kill too.

      Since most Amerikans have the attention of a fruit fly, if you want to make a lasting impact on the Amerikan psyche about weapons of mass destruction, burn the images of fear into their primitive brains. Trump knows this as it got the racist, sex pervert elected. So fight fire…with more fire with Labels that these white alienated Amerikan Psychos are hellbent on raping their daughters. The media should Make it personal. Yeah, they killed some Mexicans, but really these horny ugly virgins wanted to rape your daughters. Of course, these labels can kill political careers too. Trumpie really fears the label he is a racist, that Moscow Mitch is selling US out to his Russian oligarch rich friends, Voters can’t process complex analysis of the pathetic candidates but Fear is something that resonates for a long time. Ak47s can break some bones, but labels are career killers.

      08/11/19 12:37 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      24

      All these little dick gun nuts need big guns to feel like a man.

      08/11/19 1:28 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      25

      Trumpies Triple Label

      Would you vote for a racist, Russian stooge little dick-tator who wants to rape YOUR daughter?

      08/11/19 1:58 PM | Comment Link

    • John Poole said...

      26

      Bauer- a reminder- Limit yourself to maybe four comments per subject blog or……………………….set up your own site. If you need some funding I’ll kick in.

      08/13/19 4:52 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      27

      JP or should I say Moscow Mitch,

      When you write something worth reading.

      08/13/19 7:54 PM | Comment Link

    • John Poole said...

      28

      Bauer- you do realize that you do not stick with each blog’s main theme don’t you? You go off on your personal rants with your personal riffs. That is why you should set up and pay for your own blog.

      08/15/19 3:26 PM | Comment Link

    • chucknobomb said...

      29

      Israel is a War Criminal Nation the u.s. supports with Billions a year while supporting Racism. Kill AIPAC and have a nice day. No Funding War Criminal Nations.

      08/16/19 12:04 PM | Comment Link

    • chucknobomb said...

      30

      Is Peter & Co at the Hamptons, or Seaside Heights, Lavalette area? Have a nice day. Free Assange and Manning among others.

      08/16/19 2:50 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      31

      Two police officers shot in Van Buren.

      08/16/19 5:00 PM | Comment Link

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