• It’s Not Funny: A Brief History of the Second Civil War

    October 9, 2019

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    Posted in: 2020, Democracy, Impeachment

    Looking back, it’s almost funny. We didn’t see the Second Civil War coming.

    The “newspapers” (so called because they once contained news and were published on actual paper, for the elderly) columnists at the New York Times and Washington Post, now Ministry of Truth, tried hard enough. Their statues now line the National Mall, and school kids know their names: Krugman, Bruni, and Boot. All died in the White Guilt Plague of 2026, which also wiped out most of California before its origin was traced back to the Oberlin campus and measures were taken.

    The key event in the Second Civil War, the Great Confiscation of Guns, took place even before the struggle proper unfolded. A brave woman, Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez (after whom the aircraft carrier USS AOC, now in the process of being handed over to the new Native American nation and casino formed out of the former state of Texas, is named) offered to sacrifice herself, standing on a stage outside Fox headquarters wearing a pink knit cap. She challenged anyone with an automatic gun and one of those banana clips to take a free shot at her. After over 200,000,000 people showed up, waves of The Beto Brigade wearing Hannity masks descended on the crowd. As the armed men and women dropped their Vietnam guns with the handle to remove lingerie or to take selfies with flip phones that needed two hands to operate, their weapons were confiscated. Additionally, several thousand faux patriots were left unable to reproduce due to pistols-in-their belt related accidents.

    It was over before it began. At the time, however, no one knew how things would turn out. The Maddow Division (you know General Maddow; her face in relief, wearing a black beret over shaggy hair, adores a million t-shirts) left its home base in New York City on Citibikes striking south. The advance was delayed when the second wave’s Ubers did not arrive on time and the black helicopters never showed up, again, but the division’s clever use of weaponized sarcasm, backed up by relentless Twitter, caused Tr*mp supporters (while we acknowledge the name is banned, for historical clarity we use here the term Tr*mp rather than “The T word”) to quit the field in droves and return to their RVs. It also turned out wearing bright red MAGA hats made for relatively easy targeting after Apple released its “Kill Kinda Kaucasians” app. Still, many of Maddow’s troops perished after being deeply offended as the MAGA line displayed photos from old Hollywood movies of white actors playing Asian roles. That was the last (paper) straw.

    Mayor Pete Buttigieg discovered the secret Fox transmitter which had been broadcasting mind control instructions to MAGA forces not only to vote Republican, but also to purchase things at Cracker Barrel, that fishing store that has way too much stuff for just fishing, and via the Internet massive amounts of Flexi-Seal they didn’t need so it’s in the garage now behind the cooler. With the transmitter knocked out, the conservative economy collapsed. The images of conservative children forced to eat soy products when their regular processed food supplies ran out haunt even the toughest Resistance fighters to this day. Thoughts and prayers.

    But those images of children are nothing compared with the nightmare unleashed when Nancy Pelosi liberated the Kids ‘N Kages camps along what used to be America’s southern border (known today as “Newer New Mexico.”) After being fed only Taco Bell products in what was assumed to be a failed humanitarian gesture by the Venezuelan Red Cross, the migrant children were each was awarded American citizenship posthumously.

    Pelosi blamed herself, wandering the woods near her home, embarking on regular “book tours” to be among her faithful, and, high on Nyquil, calling in to the Maxine Waters late night comedy show to explain how after she impeached Trump, Pence, Barr, Kavanaugh, several junior Senators, and the House Sergeant at Arms she was briefly, as Speaker of the House, seated as America’s first woman president before her untimely death at the hands of a meth-addled Hillary Clinton.

    Conservatives’ last stand took place, appropriately, on the steps of the Supreme Court. Just before losing power, the final conservative government expanded the bench to 78 judges, all cloned from the last available saliva sample from Roy Cohen Tr*mp kept in a vial around his neck. No monument marks their final battle to prevent freedom, no plaque records their final words (“lower capital gains taxes”) and even their ashes were lost in the changeover from Obamacare to a healthcare plan which provides unlimited visits to a doctor but requires travel to Germany for appointments. Once a year, under the watchful eyes of the Chelsea Handler Youth Brigades, a few old men are allowed to observe a minute of silence in honor of their fallen comrades before being forced to convert to Islam. A small coven of Republicans is rumored to exist in the jungle. Occasional broadcasts have been monitored, typically scraps of argument between libertarians and conservatives over the value of military intervention.

    Events moved quickly once fighting ended. Reparations money was mostly squandered on timeshare condos and everyone is still angry. College and IKEA furniture was made free. The subsequent collapse of the National Bank of Venmo could not be prevented once it was revealed the app really did cheat the person who just had a salad when dividing up a check. The designation as hate speech of any utterance which did not include a hashtag or the phrase “you know what I’m sayin'” clogged the courts for months, even after all immigration laws were deleted. Ed Snowden was arrested, for making Obama look bad, while changing planes in Atlanta enroute from Moscow to his villa outside Vladivostok.

    Microsoft went bankrupt when Windows 87 proved so bulky it required the user to have a second computer. The creation of two Internets, one for porn and one no one uses, proved popular. Starbucks raised the price of a latte to $250. That did not stop Millennials from purchasing several each day until driving themselves into bankruptcy; their blaming it on the patriarchy saved the day. The end of elections saved the nation trillions; after 2016 presidents have simply serially been impeached and a new person sworn in who is immediately placed under investigation. Someone on Twitter declaring the chief executive deranged, bonkers, off the rails, meltdown, train wreck, gone 25th, or writing “but her emails” is now recognized as grounds for impeachment.

    Of course every American remembers where they were when Secretary of Why-Is-She-Still-Around Kathy Griffin announced the transition of 97 percent of Americans to becoming trans had really screwed up the NFL and there would be no more Super Bowl. The subsequent rise in attendance at WNBA games was not foreseen. The musical Biden, translated from the original Ukrainian, replaced Hamilton on Broadway despite the controversial Obama nude scene. America’s largest industry is still creating Patreon accounts as Etsy devolved largely into a market for the wealthy to purchase human organs. The U.S. government is currently looking for a new place for the capitol building, because after the move out of Washington to Brooklyn rents have really gone up.

    Most important decisions are still made by the heads of the intel agencies when they meet at Jeff Bezos’ house. And American troops are still in Afghanistan. Even after a second civil war some things don’t change.

     

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    Copyright © 2019. All rights reserved. The views expressed here are solely those of the author(s) in their private capacity.

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  • Recent Comments

    • Rich Bauer said...

      1

      Could there really be a second Civil War in Amerika? According to lunatics like Trump, you have to wonder:

      “If the Democrats are successful in removing the President from office it will cause a Civil War like fracture in this Nation from which our Country will never heal,” Trump retweeted.

      That may be true BUT:

      What if the Democrats are not the ones to remove Trump?
      What if a foreign force did? Right now you can bet some angry Kurds are planning their revenge. And what if Trumpie sacrifices Ukraine for the reason he cites abandoning the Kurds- “They didn’t help us in the Second World War, they didn’t help us with Normandy,” Trump said of the Kurds, who played a vital role in the US-led campaign against ISIS. (BTW, Japan, Italy and Germany, you apparently are on your own.) And let US not forget the Deep State. They are experts at this sort of thing, after all

      In this war, things get confused out there, power, ideals, the old morality, practical military necessity. But out there with these morons it must be a temptation to be god. Because there’s a conflict in every human heart, between the rational and the irrational, between good and evil. And good does not always triumph. Sometimes, the dark side overcomes what Lincoln called the better angels of our nature. Every man has got a breaking point. You and I have one. Demented has reached his. And very obviously, he has gone insane.

      10/9/19 6:52 PM | Comment Link

    • Isabelle said...

      2

      Trump has long abandoned Ukraine to the Russians, and also Moldova. Next year he will give them a piece of Romania after he is reelected with GRU help, and another piece to the revisionist Hungarians for their faithful work.
      There will be a real war there and children will get killed, but who cares because it’s the Balkans, and debts to foreign intelligence agencies must be paid, even if with other people’s countries.
      Oceania, Eurasia and Eastasia are almost ready. DARPA is taking care of everything.

      10/9/19 9:03 PM | Comment Link

    • Derek Simmons said...

      3

      “Microsoft went bankrupt when Windows 87 proved
      so bulky it required the user to have a second
      computer.”

      If just that bit (or byte) comes true, the whole Civil War II will have been worth it.

      10/10/19 5:51 PM | Comment Link

    • John Poole said...

      4

      I’ve already given myself the White Guilt Plague antidote serum although- if still alive (very doubtful) – in 2026 I might need a booster dosage. I hope my supplemental Silverscript coverage includes pandemic inoculations.

      10/10/19 7:38 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      5

      If there is a second civil war prompted by the removal of the lunatic presidunce, some real shit has yet to be dropped that would convince 66 percent of the Senate the shitbird had to go. What could it be? We know Trumpie is one corrupt SOB. How much more corruption could be exposed to get the Cult of Trump to turn on him? His non payment of income taxes? Money laundering for Russians? F impeachment. They will plead the 25th. The pressure is obviously getting to the drug addict. Perhaps he will self destruct on national tv overdosing on Adderall or Sudafed. Reality tv. Trump, you’re fired.

      10/10/19 8:12 PM | Comment Link

    • John Poole said...

      6

      I’m hoping Barack Obama gives Greta Thunberg his Noble Peace Prize to console her but I think he quickly sold it as scrap to Raytheon to fabricate its Tomahawk nose cones. That was way way before he acquired his hundreds of millions of political largesse

      10/11/19 9:59 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      7

      Reality bites

      Trumpie didnt shoot one person on Fifth Avenue; he shot two.
      It’s not against the law if Both were his lawyers.

      10/11/19 5:32 PM | Comment Link

    • John Poole said...

      8

      Bauer: I think you are forgetting that 99% of Democrats are on the take/make. It’s all a con. They are terrified that the sheeple will wake up and see that our entire political system is bogus.

      10/11/19 6:53 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      9

      JP,

      That is why the politicians aka crooks should be term limited. Look at the corruption in your country. Putin is serving how many years?

      10/11/19 9:01 PM | Comment Link

    • John Poole said...

      10

      Ilha Oman’s famous utterance is: “Impeach the mother fucker” in referencing Trump. Actually she should have directed that wrath towards her own father- a clearly impeachable sperm nozzle mother fucker – who kept Ilha’s mom swollen with 14 pregnancies.

      10/11/19 10:18 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      11

      JP,

      Sperm nozzle. How dare you talk about our presidunce. If Demented didnt pay for all those abortions he would be the father of our country.

      btw, he has been puttin it in Putin for years.

      10/12/19 9:07 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      12

      JP,

      Even you salivate like Putin over Trump’s Tower.

      10/12/19 9:15 AM | Comment Link

    • John Poole said...

      13

      Correction: It was Rashida Thaib (one of fourteen) who said Trump was a mother fucker who was going to be impeached.

      10/12/19 9:31 AM | Comment Link

    • John Poole said...

      14

      Bauer- don’t count out Trump yet. The Democrats will turn the impeachment hearings into a circus and we all know that Trump and circuses meld beautifully. In fact he was born to be ring master playing the rubes in the peanut gallery.

      10/12/19 11:46 AM | Comment Link

    • Isabelle said...

      15

      There is no smoke without mirrors in this circus.. And the fire will be provided by the invisible ringmaster.
      If the CIA don’t get their act together, their show will be cancelled.

      10/12/19 1:15 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      16

      The Deep State is pitching tents on the grassy knoll.

      10/12/19 6:38 PM | Comment Link

    • Isabelle said...

      17

      Some glowing suitcases from Transnistria traveling with special passports from Hungary throughout Europe might be left in the ring.
      They even traveled to the patriarchal New Russia in Ukraine.
      Back and forth, back and forth..

      10/15/19 2:29 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      18

      Blessed are The Peacemakers. But sometimes like Lebron they should just shut up and dribble.

      10/15/19 11:28 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      19

      World War 1 started with a grenade too.

      John Bolton told an aide to alert White House lawyers over the Trump administration’s effort to pressure Ukraine to investigate Democrats, and called President Trump’s personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani “a hand grenade who’s going to blow everybody up,” The New York Times reports. During former Senior Director for Russian and Eurasian Affairs Fiona Hill’s Monday testimony, she reportedly told House investigators that Bolton told her to alert the chief lawyer.

      10/15/19 4:31 PM | Comment Link

    • John Poole said...

      20

      It seems to me that the two parties are in cahoots to make sure the oppositional two party ruse stays vibrant. I have the deed to a $450K house and a paid up invoice to a Steinway B from the best period in Steinway’s (1924) output but I am totally clueless about how the 2020 POTUS election will unfold. Bauer, the ball is in your court. If you pass on a prediction I will consider you a total fake.

      10/15/19 5:50 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      21

      JP,

      How much is that in your currency- rubles?

      10/15/19 10:42 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      22

      Looking back we ALL saw it coming

      Declaration of stupidity

      Dear Mr. President,
      Let’s work out a good deal! You don’t want to be responsible for slaughtering thousands of people, and I don’t want to be responsible for destroying the Turkish economy—and I will. I’ve already given you a little sample with respect to Pastor Brunson.

      I have worked hard to solve some of your problems. Don’t let the world down. You can make a great deal. General Mazloum is willing to negotiate with you, and he is willing to make concessions that they would never have made in the past. I am confidentially enclosing a copy of his letter to me, just received.

      History will look upon you favorably if you get this done the right and humane way. It will look upon you forever as the devil if good things don’t happen. Don’t be a tough guy. Don’t be a fool!

      I will call you later. NO texts! My Swiss bank acct number is the same as Rudy’s.

      10/16/19 6:51 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      23

      The end of the Second Civil War

      After Demented and sick Pence are impeached, President Pelosi strikes a deal with Putin to sanction D and P to drop the sanctions.

      Demented: I’d like to go back to New York.
      Putin: You have not much future there. It will happen this way. You may be walking. Maybe the first sunny day of the spring. And a car will slow beside you, and a door will open, and someone you know, maybe even trust, will get out of the car. And he will smile, a becoming smile. But he will leave open the door of the car and offer to give you a lift.
      Demented: You seem to understand it all so well. What would you suggest?
      Putin: Personally, I prefer you go to some shithole country.
      Demented: What will I do?
      Putin: Sex worker. Well, the fact is, what you do is not a bad occupation. Someone is always willing to pay.
      Demented: I would find it… tiring.
      Putin: Oh, no — it’s quite restful. It’s… almost peaceful. No need to believe in either side, or any side. There is no cause. There’s only yourself. The belief is in your own precision.
      Demented: I was born in the United States, Joubert. I miss it when I’m away too long.
      Putin: A pity.
      Demented: I don’t think so.
      Putin pauses, then holds out a gun to Demented. points to his mouth. For that day.

      10/16/19 11:40 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      24

      What if there is a Deep State within the Deep State?

      10/17/19 6:38 PM | Comment Link

    • Isabelle said...

      25

      That’s very deep. It has to be, to get to the other side of the globe to Russia and China.
      Patriotism, defense, fight, defense..

      10/17/19 9:28 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      26

      Demented: Pelosi said bad things to my face.
      Pence: Get over it. I’m gonna be president, thank god.

      10/17/19 10:14 PM | Comment Link

    • John Poole said...

      27

      Hillary may yet jump into the ring for a rematch! Politics and elections may end up being the only funny things we can laugh at.

      10/17/19 10:26 PM | Comment Link

    • Isabelle said...

      28

      A funny thing happened on the way to the forum: a white nationalist gave a newbie a link to a Russian site, and it turned out to have a DoD IP.
      Is it infatuation when a pro Russian neonazi tells a boy who is courting her that she is an agent..?.. but the boy is in fact a woman ?..

      10/18/19 1:22 AM | Comment Link

    • Isabelle said...

      29

      The World Circus needs a new home which will soon be built.
      The soldier Bond in Masonry is very solid.
      There is English Bond, Scottish Bond, Dutch Bond, and even a monk Bond. The common Bond which is sometimes called the American Bond is a variation of the Running Bond.
      The world needs Bonding.
      Get your Playstations ready.

      XCOM 2 Bonds is a new system introduced in expansion War of the Chosen, which rewards you for having soldiers complete missions together.

      Each soldier has a compatibility rating with every other soldier in the squad, this rating is called Cohesion and effects how quickly one soldier will Bond with another.

      If you need more help, our XCOM 2 War of the Chosen guide provides a breakdown on how else you can tackle the huge expansion.

      10/18/19 1:44 AM | Comment Link

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