• Racist Titanic

    May 24, 2022

    Posted in: Democracy

    “People, people, the unthinkable has happened. Again. On our maiden voyage Titanic II is sinking,” said the Captain. “The navigator’s Covid mask fogged up his glasses and we hit an iceberg. But this time we have an adequate number life boats for everyone…” The Captain touched his earpiece. “Wait, wait, I’ve just been informed the super wealthy passengers have each taken a whole lifeboat for themselves, so we’re down to just half of what we need. We’ll need to make choices.”

    “No problem. Dr. Biden and I will just stay aboard rearranging the deck chairs.”

    “Thanks Mr. President, but that still leaves us as usual with the root problem unresolved by a feel-good gesture. You, in the back, with the purple hair, you have something to say?” said the Captain.

    “Yes,” said the woman, her voice rising in intonation as she tugged at her nose, nipple, and navel rings simultaneously. “We need to separate the lifeboats by race. I propose the first boat be just black people as reparations.”

    “No, Hispanics first,” yelled someone Hispanic.

    “Yeah, well any you light-colored folks got a whole movement of Caucasian millennials chanting your lives matter all freaking summer? No, I thought not. We all gonna go first.”

    “OK, OK, we’ll sort it out but everyone agrees white people should be last, right?” said the Captain.

    “Wait, I’m white but gay. I shouldn’t have to go last because I’m from a victimized minority community, too,” said a victimized white gay man. The harsh rain had plastered his ironic/not ironic Free Britany shirt to his chest.

    “Oh yeah? You been gay for what, twenty years? We’ve been people of color since Wakanda was founded. Back of the line!”

    “OK, we’re gonna need a ruling from the Bernie people smoking dope outside. Guys, hey guys, does gay trump white?”

    “You can’t say trump here, it’s offensive. Not my verb.”

    “I should go first because I’m here to honor my mother, a 17th generation immigrant who was never allowed to attend college after she failed all her classes. I think we need to represent for her before it all happens never again. I mean, also my cousin knew someone who knew a guy who like literally died near the Reichstag fire. Also, what’s the WiFi password I gotta Insta this.”

    “Excuse me, sorry to interrupt. I am from Spain. May I join the Europeans arguing over additional lifeboat taxes in the galley?”

    “You speak Spanish?” said the Captain.

    Si, por supuesto. Of course.”

    “Then no, over with everyone else on the planet who speaks Spanish, just like the name says, Hispanic,” said the Captain.

    “Um, we Japanese get the ‘Asian’ idea as Americans see us lumped together for the purpose of bringing more victims into the crowd, like your class action suits. Joke! Anyway, we do not agree of this thing you call Asian. We have nothing in common with Chinese or… the Koreans. May we join the white people please?” said the man from Tokyo.

    “You enslaved us during World War II, and Korea culture is older than Japanese, you racist loser –” said the woman from Seoul.

    “Hey, both of you stole the good stuff from us Chinese. We don’t want to ride with either of you. And unlike the Hispanics we ‘Asians’ don’t even speak the same language, so why do we have to be a group? That is racist, pretending we’ve all the same. And we’re certainly not ‘People of Color.’ We’re the normal shade, billions of us, it’s you whites who are really pink and browns that are ‘of color’ anyway. We want our own boat,” cried the person from Beijing.

    “So while we’re on the subject, for the people of India I object to throwing us in as ‘South Asia.’ Your American vice woman leader Kamala Harris claimed she was ‘Asian’ after the Atlanta shooting and had the same lived experiences as some of the victims, all because her mother was from India and lived in Canada. We in India had a highly developed culture with fine art and literature even before anyone had noticed people scratching pictures on the cave walls of southern Spain.”

    “See senor, I was right, as a Spaniard I belong with the Europeans. Por favor!” said the Spanish speaker.

    “I’m sorry to interrupt, excuse me, but I’m a white ally, social media influencer, with an invisible gluten disability who uses the pronoun ‘they’?” They pointed out their Hillary T-shirt under their BLM T-shirt with their rainbow flag Covid mask. “Just yesterday they became bi during lunch. Their hobby is dismantling the patriarchy. The are are so ashamed of their whiteness they refuse to tan in the sun.  I, damn, they mean they, would like to ask to be in a boat with only non-whites. They would use the time at sea to begin a serious conversation about race, and apologize for racism using only Facebook slogans. If we run out of food they’ll volunteer to be eaten first as a way of giving back. They’re vegan and only eat things which don’t cast a shadow so it’s cool.”

    “People, people, I need everyone’s attention,” said the exasperated Captain. “While we’ve been arguing the super wealthy have departed Titanic II in the majority of the lifeboats. With the weight of their Apple devices off the ship, her center of balance shifted and we will all soon violently sink. By refusing to see the real problems, including the immediate one of not having enough lifeboats on a sinking ship, we’ve accomplished nothing.”

    “I disagree. We have totally raised awareness of this issue,” said the purple haired woman. “I’ve picked up 50 new followers just while we’ve been dialoging.”

    “And we canceled that cisgender male First Mate. Bye bye,” said the they in their Hillary T-shirt.

    “Alas, he was the only one who knew how to operate the radio,” said the Captain. “We’ve wasted our last chance creating ever-more antagonistic ways to divide ourselves, and are doomed. It has been an honor to oppress you and sail with you. May God have mercy on your souls.”

    “Umm, excuse me, but by ‘God’ do you mean a Christian or Muslim god?”

    (Sound of colorless water flooding in.)

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  • Recent Comments

    • Rich Bauer said...


      The white supremacist groups you read about are just the tip of the white iceberg.

      05/24/22 4:30 PM | Comment Link

    • John Poole said...


      There are many opportunities to riff on what PVB has expressed. Take the case of Britney Griner currently being held by Russians for a drug offense. Griner is clearly a male with a woman’s genitalia. I suspect many in the WNBA are guys biologically classified as gals- same with soccer and volley ball. It happens. It is no one’s fault. But there is indeed a fault or flaw. None would voluntarily transition to male to play in the male respective leagues. That only happens when a male transitions to compete in the female leagues.

      05/24/22 10:25 PM | Comment Link

    • John Poole said...


      PVB was most likely referencing Brittney Spears not Brittney Griner. Griner’s partner said Biden should go to Russia and just bring Brittney home since he has the power to do it. Biden still has at least one person who has full faith in his global authority and moxie.

      05/27/22 9:17 AM | Comment Link

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