• This Year’s Best Christmas Gifts, 2023 (Satirical)

    December 18, 2023

    Tags: , ,
    Posted in: Other Ideas

    It is almost Christmas, and, like most of us, you are probably behind on buying gifts for loved ones, co-workers, and others close to you. Skip the stores and the crowds this season, and choose from our satirical selection of the very best Christmas gifts for 2023.
    Black Lives Matter Gift Set: discontinued and nearly forgotten; receipt needed for returns ’cause we know you lifted this. Also sold under the brand name “Confederate Statues You’ve Never Heard of But are Now Freaked Out Over.”
    Gaza Ant Farm: Watch these industrious Gazan ants dig tunnels and smuggle sand particles in and out for hours and hours of fun! Then destroy the tunnels, feed the ants, or both!
    Joe Biden White House Playset: Joe doll comes with Dribble Action (c) speech module. Connect him to the Jill doll (purchase separately; 1200 D batteries not included) to see him walk, maintain inflation, enter proxy wars, and be bewildered about declining poll numbers. Win! 2020 add-on set still available as you wait for the possible 2024 edition.
    Middle East Lego Playset: The set retails for five trillion dollars. Included are enough Legos to build replicas of Iraq and all of Syria, allowing a child to refight those battles over and over. Figures, all with removable heads, include Sunni militias, Islamic State fighters, Shia militias, American Special Forces, Iranians, Yemenis, Kurds, Russians, Syrians (moderate and radical, though they look alike), Israelis, Saudi financiers, Hezbollah fighters, Hamas fighters, al Qaeda, more Iranians, miscellaneous unmarked drones, and a starter pack of refugees. Don’t forget even more adventures can be played with the Turkish Expansion Pack. Parents, please note, even with the best of intentions, the playset tends to simply fall apart after awhile and everyone gets bored with it. Not included: any weapons of mass destruction. Get it now at 50 percent off with the Israel v. Hamas Gaza add-on. A Best Seller and list leader for many years!

    Trump Rally: Playset comes complete with plastic ground sheet, ten thousand figures, and MAGA signage. Order at exactly midnight and get a free VHS copy of Triumph of the Will.

    The Ukraine Game: Retail price $500 billion. Includes an empty box you’re supported to fill with money and send off for another empty box to fill.
    The Republican Primary Game: Just an empty box.
    The Democratic Primary Game: Another empty box.
    Third Party Candidate Action Figure: Chances of winning sold separately.
    The Mike Johnson Game: For the whole family! Roll the dice to travel around the board for days at a time. There’s actually no way to win the game and all the other players will soon hate you.
    Cuddle Me Gaza Doll: Returned item, may be labeled Cuddle Me Ukraine. Sensitivity warning, doll may resemble Sean Penn when seen in the harsh light of day.
    American Girl Doll: Deal with it, it’s a boy underneath. Asian and Black models available if trans alone no longer shocks you leftists enough.
    George Santos: Not a doll, the real George Santos. He needs someplace to stay and a hot meal over the holidays.
    Your Own GoFundMe: GoFundMe is now America’s largest health insurer, so give the gift of an account to a loved one!

    Putin Chia Pet: Comes right out of the box looking like a shaved-head Vladimir Putin but water it daily and it will soon resemble Weird Al Yankovic! Continue to water the doll and it will take over your kitchen, den, and drive you from your own garage even as it causes other houseplants to “accidentally” fall to their deaths off high shelves.

    New Alexa Programmed to Sound Like Your Kid: Saying “Hello, Alexa” is met with a sullen glance and if repeated, a request for money and the car. “Alexa, turn on the lights” triggers a lecture about global warming in the actual AI-simulated voice of Greta the Climate Change girl. Purchasing items on Amazon via this modified Alexa results in sarcastic accusations that you are a racist and fascist for no apparent reason. The device automatically announces it has turned transgender before New Year’s and won’t work, accusing you of misgendering it by failing to reverse the + and – ends of the batteries.
    Christmas Eve Don’t Talk Politics Game: Players take turns drawing red and blue cards to stick on to their foreheads. They then have to argue the provocative topic shown to bored and anxious relatives who just don’t want to hear it. Winner is the one who draws the “Joker,” a special card marked “Can’t we talk about anything else?!?” Note: the cards “Throw cranberry sauce at a fascist across the table” and “Your mother is not a feminist for gawds’ sake, leave her out of this” are no longer included in the standard game but available as free downloads.
    Immigration, The Home Version: Play as “Home” or “Venezuelan.” The Home player starts the game by throwing out all immigration laws and erecting a fence around part of his property, leaving large gaps at key locations. The real action shifts to the Venezuelan player(s) who then walk in and take whatever they want just like Great Grandad Chaim Abramowitz did decades ago on the Lower East Side, sure. The Venezuelan to run up the most taxpayer-paid medical bills wins the game. The Home player wins if he lands a second  job at Walmart before his taxes rise.
    Trump, The Game: This one’s real. “It’s not about if you win or lose. As long as you win.”

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    Copyright © 2020. All rights reserved. The views expressed here are solely those of the author(s) in their private capacity.

  • Recent Comments

    • Rich Bauer said...

      1

      Given the White Nationalist Party’s fear of “poisoned blood” from immigrants, we offer at a special price a pure blood testing kit from Aryan Brotherhood. If you need blood for that cosmetic surgery, you better test it. Dont need no black poison mixing in your bodily fluids.

      12/19/23 9:40 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      2

      The Trump Monopoly Game

      Buy properties and watch them go bankrupt. Plus, Every Community Chest card is Go Straight to Jail.

      12/19/23 11:37 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      3

      The Ron Desankhiscampaignthemost Big Boy Boots

      Feeling low these days watching Trump losing his kids inheritance to some woman he grabbed? Well, we got six inch high heel boots in stock that will lift your spirits. Get a pair today, Ron.

      12/20/23 10:59 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      4

      Trump is Santa Claus, given he keeps giving gifts to the Dems: the Senate, the House and the White House. So the Dems asked Trump what he wanted for Christmas. In his best Santa voice: Stormy, Miss McD and Melania….you know, Ho, Ho, Hos.

      12/21/23 9:40 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      5

      Get your MAGA friends the Nikki Haley doll, the only female Trump wouldn’t grab. It will say anything you want to hear to get elected. Get it now while you can afford before Nikki cuts your meager Social Security.

      12/21/23 10:00 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      6

      Lego Immigrant Concentration Camp

      Trump says 15 million illegal immigrants are invading the US. Trump says he will put them all in concentration camps. But we Cant expect the US government to house them all. With this Lego set you can keep 100 dirty immigrants in your backyard. Do your part to prevent the poisoning of our bodily fluids.

      If Biden is reelected, the Lego set can be used instead to house MAGA insurgents.

      12/21/23 9:12 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      7

      The MAGA Faux Fear Book of History that no one needs to read

      While the Marxist fascist liberal left fears those who would ban books, The MAGA Faux plan is already in the works in the Great Ignorant State of Florida. The plan is diabolical: there no reason to ban a book if no one who wanted to read one. When is the last time you or anyone you knew visited a library? We got Faux News and the Book of Elon’s Bird Brains for our education.

      Mistakenly the fear on the left is Elon and the other rich pricks would deprive us of information. But Elon bought Twitter and hypnotized the bird brains by giving idiots so much that they would be reduced to passivity and egoism. One can’t conceal the truth. Instead, Faux News proved the truth can be drowned in a fearful sea of irrelevance. AmeriCon CONservatitude is a prime example.

      Trump could be elected on his fearful platform that Peoples just loves to hate. Orwell knew it and We Meant Well knew it too.

      12/22/23 11:08 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      8

      Happy Not so Merry Death Day Certificate

      For a not#so loved one, Researchers in Denmark say they have used powerful machine-learning algorithms to accurately predict certain aspects of human lives, including how early someone is likely to die.

      Their study, published this week in the journal in Nature Computational Science, details how a machine-learning algorithm model called life2vec predicted the outcome of a person’s life and their actions when presented with highly specific data about them.

      Also a great gag birthday gift

      12/22/23 5:14 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      9

      Trump Odor-eaters

      If you have the misfortune of getting too close to the BO king, this MAGA scarf is designed to absorb the Trump stench for a period up to one hour, the average length of his speech. Mr. Depends needs his diaper changed more often than he changes his wives.

      12/22/23 9:00 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      10

      Donnie Diapers

      Waiting for Stupid Hitler to arrive late for his MAGA rally? Dont lose your place in line. Wear an official Donnie Diaper and you too can smell like shit. Now you know why he walks like that with a load in his pants.

      12/24/23 8:56 AM | Comment Link

    • John Poole said...

      11

      Damn- I was hoping for a Houthi doll -not to play with but as an investment. Not worth much today but given the right circumstances could eventually become a very valuable collector’s item. If Yemen is renamed Houthiland the first batch of dolls will be prized everywhere except Israel.

      12/24/23 9:04 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      12

      Supreme Immunity Christmas Sale!!!

      Clarence and the other Trump Supremes are open to the right offer to grant you Supreme Immunity. Only Trumpie Presidense immunity is currently under consideration, but Clarence is reportedly willing to offer it to any Tom, Dickhead and Leo who can fatten his wallet. Imagine if senile Joe ices Trump and wants immunity, Clarence and the Trumpists are cool with that…for a price. But senile Joe may just decide to ice Clarence and the other Trumpists after the Presidense immunity decision. Maybe that’s why they are delaying the decision.

      12/24/23 3:18 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      13

      Pooper’s War- an insider account of Donnie Trump’s battle of the bulge in his pants

      12/25/23 4:06 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      14

      Christmas Cards signed by Stupid Hitler himself

      “MAY THEY ROT IN HELL. AGAIN, MERRY CHRISTMAS!”

      12/25/23 4:11 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      15

      Trump: The Insanity Defense Game

      When his last defense is dementia, it’s anyone’s guess if Trump will ever spend a day behind bars. You get to be a player on the jury which gets to send Stupid Hitler to the Big House with Crazy Rudy G. when he loses the White House.

      12/26/23 1:08 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      16

      The Trump Mistrial Mystery Game

      As a bonus included in the Trump Insanity Defense Game, you get to be a juror who has to guess which juror is the Trumpist who refuses to convict Donnie Diapers. The trial could go until after the election! As half the voters say they will vote for Trump no matter what, half the jury could be Trumpists. It’s 12 Angry Men without end.

      12/27/23 5:15 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      17

      Let US not forget Ron DeSankhiscampainmost. While Donnie Diapers is throwing spaghetti on the wall in his desperate bid to stay out of prison, Ron proved a meatball may be okay to serve to classless boobs in Florida, but the rest of the country is turned off. So, here is a cookbook for Meatball. Where’s the beef, if you want to appeal to voters in 2028.

      12/29/23 12:33 PM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      18

      The ultimate gift for delusional Repugs, a mirror. Great gifts for Vivek and Nikki Randhawa, who tend to forget they are what the White Nationalist Party wants gone. For Donnie Diapers who calls Chris Christie fat. Dude, where did you think the burgers and fries were going, other than your fat ass? And for all those toothless morons in your MAGA hats, look at yourselves. The world is not laughing with you.

      12/30/23 11:45 AM | Comment Link

    • Rich Bauer said...

      19

      Donnie Diapers in a lot of shit

      Anagram can be traced back to the time of Moses, as “Themuru” or changing, which was to find the hidden and mystical meaning in names. Anagrams used for titles afford scope for some types of wit. Examples: Shakespeare’s Hamlet is an anagram for the Danish Prince Amleth. “Adolf Hitler” should have been a clue what the future held: FILTH ORDEAL, DO REAL FILTH, TRIAD OF HELL etc.

      So let US be forewarned about Donald Trump. His anagram is a real stinker: DAMN TURD POL. What do you expect from someone who only talks shit and why his Cult swallows it.

      01/5/24 11:40 AM | Comment Link

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