• Bowe Bergdahl Swapped for that Marine in Mexico (Satire)

    November 3, 2014 // 3 Comments »

    marinemexico


    Just ahead of the highly-contested midterm elections, Obama administration officials are denying rumors that they swapped Bowe Bergdahl, the soldier himself freed from Taliban captivity through a swap for five Guantanamo prisoners, for Marine Sergeant Andrew Tahmooressi.

    Tahmooressi was released by coincidence just before the election after several months in a Mexican jail.

    “It was a good ride,” said Bowe Bergdahl, “but like I told the Taliban guys on my last day with them, hey, nothing lasts forever.”

    Background: Bergdahl

    Bowe Bergdahl, serving with the U.S. Army in Afghanistan, ended up in Taliban custody. Some soldiers in his former unit straight-out called him a deserter who aided the enemy and put American lives in danger.

    The Army report on what happened is classified, so we’ll never really know. What is known is that to free Bergdahl, the Obama administration made a controversial decision to swap five Taliban prisoners at Gitmo (the U.S. government previously called one of them “among of the most significant former Taliban leaders detained”) for Bergdahl.

    Background: Tahmooressi

    Tahmooressi’s case is much less dramatic. He was no longer even an active-duty Marine when he drove his truck across the Mexican border “by accident” with three firearms and hundreds of rounds of ammunition inside. He did not declare the weapons and was arrested. He denied accusations he intended to sell the weapons in Mexico. His case became a right-wing tool used against Obama.

    Very-briefly-Obama-UN-ambassador Bill Richardson was sent to Mexico last week and by some coincidence, just days before the contested midterm elections in the U.S., Mexico dropped all charges against Tahmooressi and he was returned to America for “humanitarian reasons,” ostensibly for treatment for PTSD from his Afghan service.

    Or Is It…

    Tahmooressi’s release was attributed by the Obama administration to successful diplomacy and advocacy on the part of the Obama administration. But speaking far off the record, sources inside the White House gave a different version of events.

    “Ahead of the midterms, we needed to remove this tool from the Republican toolbox, so Tahmooressi had to come home,” said someone who looked like National Security Advisor Susan Rice but really, really was not. “But of course this had nothing to do with politics, whatever, you people are the dumbest country on earth anyway. Bergdahl was just a political tool for us and always knew his deal wasn’t for keeps, and so it was time to call in that debt. Nobody rides for free.”

    “We offered Mexico six Taliban from Guantanamo as a first try,” said Bill Richardson, just back from south of the border, knocking back a quart of black market tequila with a Cuban cigar. “Hell, in Afghanistan we got Bowe, who was a lousy Army guy, for only five out of Gitmo. I figured since Tahmooressi was a Marine we’d up the ante, and eventually we were ready to give the Mexicans as many Taliban as they wanted for him. We even had JSOC on short-call to go get us some more fresh meat Taliban if necessary. But no go. Mexico wanted an American for an American.”

    “At that point,” chimed in not-Rice, “the option set started to close down. We offered Justin Bieber, but a) he turns out to be Canadian and b) the Mexicans said ‘hell no.’ I think it was Joe Biden who first suggested we trade Bergdahl, but as soon as he said it we all knew it was the way to go. Barack called Hillary, who signed off on the deal, and we executed.”

    Bergdahl Responds

    “Like they said, my release from the Taliban was always subject to change,” said a friendly Bowe Bergdahl from his Mexican jail cell. “I knew from the beginning if the Army report on my ‘going over’ to the Taliban leaked out I was headed back to Kandahar, so I’d kept a bag packed anyway. Then this Mexican thing came up and since it included free food and all, I figured why not. You gotta give back.”

    “And who knows, right? The day may come when I can get swapped a third time for someone else, and thus continue to serve my country and its short-term election needs. I still get the occasional Facebook poke from the Taliban, so that door is always open.”

    Mexico

    Refusing to speak on the record, Mexican authorities confirmed that all Americans are insane. Despite taking Bergdahl in what they term as a face-saving move, new directives now require Mexican police to conduct field mental illness tests on any Americans prior to arresting them.

    “Can’t they just stay on their side of the border?” asked the Mexican official in exasperation.




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    Obama Official: Bowe Bergdahl was Swift-Boated

    June 6, 2014 // 10 Comments »

    Let’s be clear: I am glad Bowe Bergdahl is home from five years with the Taliban. If he was truly captured on the battlefield, give him a parade. If he ran away, send him to trial.

    At the same time, the Obama administration’s bleating that “all the facts aren’t in” and that somehow after five years some sort of endless investigation needs to happen are just sad. The military has had five years to interview everyone they needed to, except Bowe.

    They have, no doubt, five years of intelligence, electronic eavesdropping and many, many pages of transcripts of what the Taliban said while negotiating with the U.S. over Bergdahl’s release. Bergdahl may have left letters behind before he disappeared, so some of his side has already been heard.

    Oops, There Already was an Investigation

    Better (worse?) yet, the Army already has done an investigation. A classified military report detailing the Army’s investigation into the disappearance of Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl in June 2009 says that he had wandered away from assigned areas before — both at a training range in California and at his remote outpost in Afghanistan — but returned.

    The roughly 35-page report, completed two months after Sergeant Bergdahl left his unit, concludes that he most likely walked away of his own free will from his outpost one night, and it criticized lax security practices and poor discipline within his unit. But it stops short of concluding that there is solid evidence that Sergeant Bergdahl intended to permanently desert.

    The report is said to have been based extensive interviews with members of Bergdahl’s unit, including his squad leader, platoon leader, and company and battalion commanders. It is said to confirm certain other details relayed in recent accounts, including that Bergdahl shipped his computer and a journal home before he disappeared. It also confirms that he left behind his body armor and weapon, taking with him only water, knives and a compass.

    So all that’s left is to ask Bergdahl himself a few questions (“What happened that night you walked off base?” “Why did we pick up radio transmissions the next day saying you were in a local village, asking for people who spoke English?” “Why didn’t you try and return to your unit?”)

    And yet…

    And yet… we have these Tweets from an Obama administration official, albeit a minor one. The Tweeter is former Department of Veteran’s Affairs Director of Online Communications, and now Deputy Assistant Secretary, Department of Housing and Urban Development, Brandon Friedman. That’s the photo, above, he uses on his personal website. See, he’s holding the frame of an iPad, so it’s “hip.”

    Here’s what Brandon Tweeted about Bowe Bergdahl:



    Now for all you Snowden accusers out there, who claim Snowden is a traitor because he did not “go through channels” and all that, take a close look at Brandon Friedman’s statements. He claims that if you’re in the military and have grown disillusioned and no longer trust your leaders (You out there Edward?), it’s kinda sorta OK to just walk over to the Taliban and join their jamboree. After that, if any of your former squad mates call you out, well, they’re psychopaths and have a reason to smear you.

    Sorry, It is Actually Worse

    At this point you’d think “What does a douche like Brandon Friedman know about military life anyway? Guys like him fight wars from cushy dorms at Ivy League colleges.”

    Nope. Friedman served as an infantry officer in the U.S. Army’s 101st Airborne Division in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Kuwait, and Iraq. In March 2002, he led a rifle platoon into Afghanistan’s Shah-e-Kot Valley engaging Taliban and al Qaeda fighters as part of Operation Anaconda, a battle later written about in Not a Good Day to Die A year later, Friedman commanded a heavy weapons platoon during the invasion of Iraq. He led troops during combat and counterinsurgency operations in Hillah, Baghdad, and Tal Afar. He was awarded two Bronze Stars for his service in Afghanistan and Iraq.

    One doubts Friedman would have been so forgiving of his own deserting troops when he commanded in the field. In other words, he knows better but writes idiotic garbage such as those Tweets anyway.


    Scabby Syncophants

    The Obama people knew all about Bergdahl. They knew of the serious questions about his disappearance. Yet they sent Susan Rice (again; she really just needs to sleep in on Sundays) on the talk shows to say he served “with honor and distinction.” Same swill from the State Department spokesperson. They have little bed bugs like Brandon Friedman out there saying ridiculous things.

    And there’s your tale of the infestation of the scabby syncophants we call our “government.” They’ll say and do anything to please their boss, with callous disregard for the public they are allegedly paid to serve.

    No man left behind? Brandon Friedman left himself behind and could do little more harm to respect and faith in government if he had joined up with the Taliban himself. I propose another swap. Send Susan Rice, too, for that matter. Or maybe just blame it all on some obscure anti-Islam video on YouTube?





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    Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl Just Told Us How to Close Gitmo (But Obama Won’t Do It)

    June 4, 2014 // 13 Comments »

    Every media person knows to ensure maximum coverage for a story you put it out at the beginning of the week. That gives pundits five days on the job to comment and amplify it. Conversely, if you are compelled to release information that you’d like to not get that kind of play, dumping it on a Sunday is as good as anything else.

    So when you’re the president and you’ve just made another of those tough calls (bin Laden raid!) that risked American lives, in this case, to bring “one of our own” home from a foreign battlefield, it’s kind of odd that the news comes out as it did recently about the “rescue” of Army Sergeant Bowe Bergdahl from years of Taliban captivity. Where are the tense you-are-there photos of Obama in the Situation Room like with bin Laden? The info-graphics of the high-tech gear our brave Special Forces used in the op? The leaked stories about how agonizing it all was for the president?

    It was almost as if Obama was ashamed of what he did. Likely, he is. And it’s all because of Guantanamo.

    Bowe Bergdahl and the Taliban

    It remains very unclear how Bowe Bergdahl ended up with the Taliban. There are clear suggestions that he willfully left his own unit. Without surprise, Fox News has the inside story from “senior Pentagon officials” laying out that case. Some soldiers in his former unit straight-out called him a deserter who aided the enemy and put American lives in danger. Maybe yes, maybe no, but definitely not the issue.

    One way or another, the United States owes its service members the ride home. They may face military court, or simply return to their lives, but leaving anyone behind is not right. But questions over Bergdahl’s motivations and actions are not what embarrases Obama.

    Back to Guantanamo

    The process that led to Bowe Bergdahl’s heading home is where we need to focus, and it points right back at the scab of Guantanamo.

    Since Day One of his presidency, and often repeated over the last six years, Obama said he wants to close Guantanamo. He should. Gitmo is an ugly stain, an off-shore penal colony where America daily commits violations of international standards once done only by its scummiest enemies. Gitmo’s existence is a powerful recruiting tool for bad guys everywhere, living proof that what they say about America is true. One only need look at the limited pictures available, or read the dribs and drabs of information that come out. Guantanamo proves we are our own worst enemy, and theirs.

    So close it already. Wait– Obama says he’d love to, but for a couple of problems. The two primary ones, the president has often said, are that some/many/a few of the people held there are hardened terrorists. They can’t be released without some assurance they will not return to the battlefield, and that’s damned hard to find.

    The second thing Obama just can’t get around is Congress, whom he keeps saying has tied his hands on this.

    Bad Boys: What’re You Gonna Do?

    The thing is that all those “reasons” were tossed aside pretty casually this weekend to get Bowe Bergdahl home. Five Taliban prisoners at Gitmo, among the worst of the worst (the U.S. government previously called one of them “one of the most significant former Taliban leaders detained”), suddenly got approved for a flight out. Those hard-to-find assurances that the baddies would not return to the fight were rubber-stamped by the Emir of Qatar. The ever-supportive Susan Rice piped up with the details: “…The Taliban prisoners [are] being monitored and kept in a secure way in Qatar.” The assurances include a one-year travel ban out of Qatar. Right. So that’s sorted.

    Obama added “The Qatari government has given us assurances that it will put in place measures to protect our national security.” The assurances are apparently recorded in a memorandum of understanding between the U.S. and Qatar, a copy of which Obama declined to release.

    There was not even much discussion over releasing the five. The process for getting there was rushed, according to U.S. intelligence officials. This time around there was no formal intelligence assessment for example of the risks posed by releasing the Taliban commanders. While some intelligence analysts looked at the issue, no community-wide intelligence assessment was produced.

    And About That Congress Thing

    As for Congress tying his hands, Obama was referring to statutory restrictions on the transfer of detainees from Guantanamo Bay. The statutes say the Secretary of Defense must determine that a transfer is in the interest of national security, that steps have been taken to substantially mitigate a future threat by a released detainee, and require the secretary notify Congress 30 days before any transfer.

    Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel stated unambiguously he did not notify Congress. At all. Just didn’t.

    Administration officials explained when Obama signed the bill containing the latest version of the Gitmo transfer restrictions into law, he issued a signing statement claiming that he could lawfully override them under his executive powers. Signing statements were made popular during the Bush-Cheney years, and are essentially a fuzzy addendum that even though the president is signing a bill into law to avoid a veto fight, he just may not follow the actual law he just signed if he does not wish to.

    Another “administration official” added the circumstances of a fast-moving exchange deal made it appropriate to act outside the statutory framework for transfers, even though that statutory framework for transfers does not provide for any such circumstances.

    A funny thing is that just five days ago, Hagel was asked about the release of some other prisoners out of Guantanamo. Uruguay had agreed to accept them, but Hagel was not sure:

    Hagel said he was taking his time in reaching a decision about six detainees Obama had discussed with Uruguayan President Jose Mujica, as well as other detainees, in order to be sure that releasing them was the responsible thing to do. “I’ll be making some decisions on those specific individuals here fairly soon,” he told reporters.

    Hagel said the U.S. Congress had assigned him the responsibility of notifying it of a decision to release detainees.

    “My name goes on that document. That’s a big responsibility,” he said. “I have a system that I have developed, put in place, to look at every element, first of all complying with the law, risks, mitigation of risk. Does it hit the thresholds of the legalities required? Can I ensure compliance with all those requirements? There is a risk in everything… I suspect I will never get a 100-percent deal.”

    What a difference a few days can make, right Chuck Hagel?

    Close Guantanamo

    It is time. The Bowe Bergdahl episode proved that Obama can close Guantanamo, and he can do it quickly. Assurances of America’s safety, even from nasty Taliban leaders, require just a stroke of a pen from characters like the Emir of Qatar. Hands tied by Congress? Obama just went ahead anyway and is sitting back watching Congress fume. That whole business about not negotiating with terrorists? Um, not anymore. The fact that Bergdahl was held in ally Pakistan for five years, just like they harbored bin Laden? Whatever. People the U.S. captures are not POWs under the Geneva Conventions but we still do prisoner swaps? It’s complicated. Swapping prisoners 5 for 1? No problem.

    There is nothing stopping Obama from closing Guantanamo now except Obama.

    Mr. President, how about this? There are now some 143 human beings still being held in Guantanamo. Next prisoner swap that comes up, why not trade 143 for 1 and kill two birds with one stone?




    BONUS: Susan Rice told CNN, when asked whether this meant that the United States could no longer claim that it does not negotiate with terrorists, that she “wouldn’t put it that way.”

    Rice also opined that Bergdahl “served with distinction,” despite significant evidence to the contrary.

    “We didn’t negotiate with terrorists,” Hagel said in an interview on NBC. Since the negotiations were handled mostly by Qatar, the United States did not negotiate directly with the Taliban. The administration’s announcement of Bergdahl’s release said only that negotiations began several weeks ago through the government of Qatar, and there was no indication of any direct contact between the United States and the Taliban.


    BONUS BONUS: Chuck Hagel, I’ve met you, and we all know your personal story. When you were a Senator, you and your staff went out of the way to do the right thing. I saw it. You had balls. So how do you live with yourself nowadays?



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    Copyright © 2019. All rights reserved. The views expressed here are solely those of the author(s) in their private capacity.

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