• ISIS Terror Alert: ‘We Will Crush Christmas with Star Wars Spoilers’

    December 24, 2017 // 5 Comments »

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    Declaring a literal “War on Christmas,” the Holy Trump Fighters Righteous Hand of God Brigade of the Islamic State issued a chilling threat for this Christmas: they plan to ruin the season for holiday moviegoers everywhere by posting detailed lists of spoilers online for the new Star Wars movie.


    In a rambling statement delivered in front of a cheesy animated flying stars background made from an old Windows 95 screensaver, holding a numbered replica of the bloody, severed head of Jar Jar Binks complete with a certificate of authenticity from LucasFilm, a Brigade spokesjihadi issued the following:

    “We will bring down the infidel’s entertainment, the puerile space drama many of you pigs will seek to watch on your so-called holy day.”

    “Even as I speak, our most holy hackers are breaking through the firewalls of the infidel websites of CNN, Facebook, Twitter, MySpace and HillaryClinton.com. Come Christmas morning, the western whore Cindy Lou and others will awake to read each and every spoiler in 36 point type, set amongst animated GIFs. You will feel as if Allah is melting away the flesh of a virgin Leia and allowing it to drip upon you.”

    “Oh, you say, I have a fancy plug-in that will not allow me to see anything spoiler-esque about the Star Wars! Hah hah hah, Allah has blessed us, because that plug-in was created by us! It will push our spoilers into the very heart of your Internet experience, as well as any new PS4’s you unwarp. XBox, that’s still cool, we love Halo out here to relax after a beheading, or when the goats grow weary.”

    “So suck on this infidels and blasphemers — this year, the Force is with us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

    “Also, Darth Vader is Luke’s father.”



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    Islamic State Has Not Destroyed the Star Wars Movie Sets

    May 20, 2015 // 3 Comments »

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    The Force is with the abandoned movie sets, mostly from the first two Star Wars movies, out in the Tunisian desert.

    Reflecting perhaps a simpler time when all of the Middle East was not a violent sh*thole, in 1976 George Lucas filmed numerous scenes from the first two movies out in the Tunisian desert. You remember — C3PO and R2D2 stumbling down the sand dunes, Luke’s home with the two suns, the Cantina town, that stuff. Most of the sets are still out there. However, due to the new dangers of terrorism, director JJ Abrams did not return to the country to film his upcoming Star Wars episode, The Force Awakens, instead using locations in Abu Dhabi.

    Meanwhile, Islamic State has not destroyed the old Star Wars movie sets. The confusion started when media began reporting that the real Tunisian town of Tataouine, the source of the fictional movie planet name, and just the name, Tatooine, had become embroiled in the country’s unrest with IS. The town is now fully unsafe, serving as a waypoint for IS travelling to and from training bases in Libya. Major arms caches have been found in the area, one of them with 20,000 rounds of ammunition and rocket-propelled grenade launchers for your home-made Death Star needs.

    The good news for fans is that the movie sets are not in Tataouine, but much further out in the desert, at Matmata, Tozeur, and on the island of Djerba. Repeat: the movie sets are OK. Tunisia itself is still a huge mess, so you still probably can’t travel out there, but perhaps your grandchildren may, when terrorism is confined to another galaxy, far, far away.

    So sleep well, young Jedi. Islamic State is not the terror droids you’re looking for.






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