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Occupy Baghdad
I was wandering around the Seventh Floor of the State Department today looking for office supplies, when I overheard this conversation.
Hillary: People, we need some new ideas. We’re taking a beating on Iraq. First, the US military is pulling out at the end of the year, and we’ll be reduced to being Fort Apache at the embassy. Our chosen main man in Iraq, Prime Minister Maliki, is acting more and more like just another dictator thug. What can we do?
Staff Aide: What about holding another election in Iraq? Every time things went south on Bush, he threw together another election there and got great press.
Hillary: No, no, we ran out of purple ink and besides, Jimmy Carter can’t do any observations, some kind of back and neck problem.
Staff Aide: Could Bill go instead?
Hillary: Maybe, I’ll ask Chelsea to ask Bono to Tweet him later but to tell the truth, no purple ink means no nice photos of “democracy.”
(laughter in the room when Hillary uses ‘air quotes” around “democracy”)
Staff Aide: I got it. We start telling the press that instead of having the World’s Largest Embassy in Baghdad (c), which is now seen less as a symbol of American power and more as a symbol of American excess and hubris, that all the people there are actually part of a new movement, Occupy Baghdad.
Hillary: I like, I like. Occupy Baghdad. Instead of being seen as a money sink, the last remnants of a dead Bush-era policy, our people in Baghdad will seem cool and hip. Right now the whole mess in Iraq for State seems like a vestigial tail, but by taking the Occupy Baghdad label, we move to cutting edge.
Staff Aide: Yes Ma’am. Occupy Baghdad. But what will we say are our goals and objectives?
Hillary: That’s the beauty. Occupy Wall Street has vague goals. Same for us. Like those hippies, we can claim our lack of leadership and unclear purpose is actually a good thing, instead of getting beaten up over them.
Staff Aide: I see now. I’ll try and get Michael Moore on the phone for you, and check if he’d like us to book him a flight to Baghdad.
Hillary: Make sure he travels coach. No business class. And no double per diem like the Congressionals get.
Staff Aide: Yes Ma’am.
Hillary: Great, innovative. Now, how about some NYPD?
Staff Aide: Ma’am?
Hillary: We’ve dropped some $5 billion on training the Iraqi cops, but they are still useless. We’ll need to import NYPD to pepper spray some of our entry level officers in Baghdad to create controversy.
Staff Aide: We could have the Sadr militia do it instead. They’d probably work for free.
Hillary: Innovative again! Have Nides add this to his QDDR slides.
Staff Aide: Anything else Madame Secretary?
Hillary: Yeah, can you get me some more office supplies? One of those old Foreign Service guys I keep trying to get rid of keeps stealing all my yellow stickies.
Copyright © 2020. All rights reserved. The views expressed here are solely those of the author(s) in their private capacity.
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